Someone else might offer more concrete advice. I'd simply like to share a technique I discovered later in life...to help me find my own answers.
The instructions are simple. Either sit cross legged on the floor, or upright in a chair. Palms face down on your lap. You can pick a spot about four feet out in front of you and simply gaze, light on or off. Or close your eyes if that seems more comfortable.
Breathe in and out through your nose, but let your mouth hang open "relaxed." You can rest the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth.
When you're finally comfortable, on the in-breathe what you want to do is breathe whatever and however you are feeling about the situation into your heart. I mean really let yourself FEEL it, even if you're afraid of how it might feel..just go ahead and breathe that feeling deeply into...your heart.
As you breathe out...think of all the other people who have been through this experience that you are and/have gone through. Breathe out a sense of relief, breathe out a feeling of empathy and compassion for all of those other human beings. Who have, and are going through this experience you're breathing into your heart.
Do not suppress your thoughts as they arise. Simply observe them. Label the chatter that inevitably arises as "thinking." Just mentally say to yourself periodically "thinking."
Sit with that feeling and the thoughts that arise for as long as it takes. Even if it takes all night. Just sit with it...experience it. You'll know when you've found the answer and/or peace that you are looking for inside, as only you can find it.
I don't know what you will find, but I'm about 100 percent positive you'll be pleasantly surprised. You may not be able to sit with it for five minutes, you might be able to go for six hours. Doesn't really matter just be where you're at. It's a beautiful experience...when we're open to it.
Thank you slippy, I just did that for 5 minutes before someone interrupted me, but I already found some insights that I was previously ignoring.
I think, the reason why I cannot let go of the desire to make amends, has some to do with my own pride. I have always been good with people, and though friendships have drifted over time before, my situation this time is the first time that somebody had deliberately rejected me and pushed me out of their lives, making me feel unwanted. It took a while for me to process that and make myself understand that I cannot be everybody's friend, let alone everybody's best friend.
On top of that, my particular regret lies in the fact that I myself have sort of acted erratic in some sense this time, contributing to the even faster deterioration of my friendships/FWB relationship. I don't want to sound redundant, but in order to make my point, I would like to give a chronological order of the significant events one more time.
Mid-January:
- Overheard M and another girl fooling around one night. Shocked, in disbelief for the most part (you were hooking up with me telling me I'm more than just anybody, yet you turn around and fool around with another girl, even tell her "we should go out"???!!)
- Confronts him about it 2 days later, he denies it ever happening, telling me to believe in him
- Invites him to dinner to clear the air, he ended up making a move on me again and we hook up
Late-January:
- M goes hot and cold. I cannot take it, always obsessing over M and the other girl, second guessing M's every single actions. Emotionally unstable.
- Sends him a bunch of texts in desperation, to tell him that I was interested in him, hoping that me coming clean on my feelings would move the situation forward.
- He responds "Nothing has changed, I'm not interested in a relationship."
Early-February:
- Despites the earlier agreement, he continues to hook up with me a few more times when the other girl was not in sight.
- Finally fed up, I leave the house
End of February:
- Finds out that M is with that other girl now
Now, it didn't come clear to me up until just now, but what I'm personally embarrassed about was the bolded part, that I had sent him 7 or 8 long texts describing my feelings for him, practically uncensored. I was desperate...it was my last resort (the fact that I had to *artificially* stay up for 72 straight hours to complete my homework that time definitely didn't help...the drugs made me even more emotionally unstable). I tried my best to not sound creepy, but it was my FIRST time ever coming clean of my feelings for a guy, I was particularly clumsy at it. He told me he was scared the next day. (And still managed to continue hooking up with me ...AH!!!)
I'm really embarrassed about it now about the fact that I practically made a fool of myself. And that does not sit well with me. Guess it's a form of pride that I never recognized in myself up until today.
By making amends, I want to flush out that embarrassing past. I want to prove to myself that he won't be making fun of me...There definitely is an element of that, if that even makes sense (and of course, the bitterness of being lied to).
What can I do to let go of these multi-layered feelings?! If I don't do anything, I will forever resent myself for making a fool of myself in front of a guy who played me so easily. Yet, if I do (as in initiate actions to make amends), I still risk being rejected, and feeling embarrassed yet again...
(sorry for such long posts always)