I don't think the cause of anger is as important as the expression of it. The emotions are rarely necessary to criticize only the expression of emotions. For example, I might feel wounded, unreasonably so, but the feeling is not the problem or the thing we should criticize. The expression of the feeling is the locus of concern. I honestly don't have a lot of experience with suicidal people, but quite often I see that it can be a response to a feeling of being burdened.
I'm not sure I agree with the cause not being important, but I am looking at it more from the angle of expressed emotions being a symptom of a deeper issue. Sometimes we are able to control the expression adequately without addressing deeper concerns; but often the emotion is driven by a particular expectation for another person... a way that we perceive the world that is either not accurate or not healthy. (or maybe those two are actually the same, if we consider health to be the ability to realistically perceive and deal with the world.) And we will not be able to permanently stifle or transform the negative expressed until we locate and confront the expectation or perspective problem first.
Fidelia said:
Because they are no longer as sensitive to what could hurt them, it is also easier to walk into the middle of dangerous or wounding situations without even realizing it, which further numbs them. In more advanced stages, the person becomes tearless and fearless, taking increasingly larger risks, just to feel something. This may take the form of self-harm, or other reckless behaviour. In some cases suicide is the ultimate risk.
Nice post altogether, Fid.
I think along with this comes compulsive/addictive behavior as well -- for the reason of, as you say, "just to feel something." When I was so depressed, I struggled with compulsive behaviors of all types because it was only way I could momentarily feel a rush. And I hated feeling like my behavior was compulsive, I felt enslaved, but no matter how I tried, I just couldn't seem to stop getting hooked on SOMETHING. Often I would stop doing one thing, and something else would take its place soon after. It was only after I changed my circumstances and got out of my depression that my compulsions eased tremendously. I no longer needed them to remind myself I was alive.
Note: compulsive behavior = another excuse for self-loathing.
While suicide happens for a variety of reasons, I believe that it very often stems from a sense of aggression that is very deep-seated. That aggression can take one of two paths (or both) - aggression against self, or aggression against others. The reason for these deep feelings of aggression is frustration caused by doing the same thing over and over that does not work. The results are very frustrating, and yet the person is not able to accept the futility of persuing the goal or the course of action that they have chosen. It is only when they come to a place of futility, tears and acceptance of what actually is, that they can decide what they are going to now do instead, and thereby become both adaptable and resilient.
Interesting. I don't know if that is the only reason for aggression resulting in self-violence (or indirect other-violence), but it definitely sounds like a viable reason in itself. Kudos on the last part -- yes, that is the key. As long as people avoid the natural cycle of grief, they can never reach a position of strength and coherence; they are spending their energies in a denial of reality and living in a world that does not exist.
In children, the primary factor that allows children to develop this ability is attachment to a strong adult acting from an alpha position. As an adult, many people have not learned to receive either protection, provision or proximity from other people and trust if they never received enough of that at crucial points in their life. Therefore, to get to a point where they are not constantly feeling aggression against themselves and others is recognizing the futility of chasing what they didn't get at key points earlier in life. Then they can then be open to other solutions that would allow them to accept what they need now or to follow a new and more effective course of action.
Now you're scaring me.
Because I'm not numb now, I've actually experienced upwellings of direct anger at various people from my past, and have had to work through what that means. Usually it was because they didn't give me what I thought was a legitimate need.... and I would have said long before this that I did feel stranded as a child. My physical needs were provided for (which I do not want to downplay), but intellectually and emotionally and creatively I not only felt like I was on my own but that I was also parenting my own parents. And while I think there is a lot of truth to that, at the moment I'm having to perceive, accept, and work through the anger rising in me of a child who felt her legitimate needs were not being met (and still aren't now, in those relationships).
Awareness is necessary for those negative emotions to expose themselves directly. Otherwise it will express itself mostly indirectly, along with a few big direct explosions along the way if the pressure becomes too unbearable. (Either that, or the numbness grows deeper in order to stifle the stronger negative emotions.)
I think healing's less a linear process and more a cyclical one. i think we make progress, which then opens us up to more awareness, which raises more emotions to deal with, which lets us get even more awareness, and so on... and so we start the cycle over and over again until we finally shoot out the other side (hopefully).
The hard thing I've found though is that when a person is suffering from these issues, they often also find it difficult to temper their emotions.
At work might also be the reality that, for so long, those emotions were forced to remain hidden and the person was living a lie. Once things open up enough that those emotions can be expressed, it becomes a matter of integrity as well as self-respect to not want to just smother/deflate them again. I remember experience legitimate anger that, because of suppression, I had never been allowed to express; and it would piss me off so much that, when I was finally expressing it rather than trying to be "demure" that people would act as if the expression of my anger was somehow worse than the repression of my hurt. It was as if they were fine with me suffering in silence, but heaven forbid I allow them to experience the ramifications of problems in our relationship rather than just carrying it all silently on my shoulders again.
So yes... there can be lots of anger under there; and among other things, I can see self-destruction as either an act of violence against oneself for being too weak to defend oneself or an emotional blow against those who have been oppressive.
annwn said:
Wow. I found this insightful. I have noticed that people often communicate their inner feelings by instilling them in the other person. What you describe here is exactly what I came to feel in my attempt to help a depressive, suicidal person. That's really interesting.
Are you describing a type of projection, or something else entirely here?
Interestingly, nowadays, I get REALLY frustrated dealing with suicidal people. I want to be patient, and think I should be after wrestling with things so long in my own life, but I think I just see that there is no way through other than .... moving through. Sitting in that dead zone, I know from experience, is simply a waiting period; there will be no change; one eventually either chooses to act or chooses to die; there are no miracle cures or silver bullets. It's hard for me to listen to the indecision and cyclical reasoning, to the ambivalence and veiled anger, because I know it's unproductive and will only make things worse if it is not being used to work through awareness. To break the cycle, you have to leave the circle and start moving in a straight line.