(I've read everybody's posts, gah you have no idea how helpful/inspirational they are. Sorry if I don't reply to everyone/butcher your posts a little, I'd exhaust myself if I tried responding to everything.)
Yeah very true, I like the simplicity of that statement... this is pretty obvious, but I tend to over think things to the max, lol.
rainoneventide, just the fact that you want to be a better you & you aren't in denial is a good sign & proof its not too late. You may think you're far from your mark but remember the judgmental perfectionist nature that's making that so overwhelming right now will adjust when you're in a better place. I'm betting you aren't seeing the truth about yourself.
That's a good point, and I remember my counselor saying something along those same lines when I came to him while I was still depressed. For me and probably a lot of people out there who have depression, just getting up and taking a shower is a big accomplishment, but then I start comparing my life to the people's around me and chide myself for being so content over things that seem relatively trivial (like going outside and taking a walk, getting up and going to class, etc.).
since everyone has responded.. what do you want to do now?
step 1. stay in college (which you've posted)
step 2. what now?
Everything's still kind of vague, but I'm definitely going to keep coming back to this thread to read over things as a reminder. Like a lot of people here have recommended, I'm going to try writing more because it's something I really enjoy/find satisfaction in, and stay busy--busy as in doing things I enjoy and trying to keep myself from sliding into that dark, dismal rut.
what i'd do in your situation would be that i'd ask myself what i wanted... then move to that direction. do you really want to take a year off, do you have plans? is something unresolved you think you could resolve taking a year off?... or is it just a way out of something you could actually find another way out off/in?
i've also found it's hard sometimes balancing with your expectations and ideals and the reality/ probabilities. i think taking it step by step and giving yourself some kind of timelines and smaller objectives helps. it always helps to remember that at some point you are going to end up hitting your head on a wall. it's all about believing that it isn't the end of the world... risks have to be taken in order to create change...
good luck!!
Yeah, I thought about it and I found that the only reason I'd want to take a year off is to run away from all the responsibility, because there's a part of me that believes I'll suck at everything anyway, which is freaking dumb... so I'm going to college next year, lol. That escapist attitude has seriously debilitated me.
Thank you! Baby steps is a really good idea. I'll find that I put off everything and then when I'm finally willing to move forward, I'm overwhelmed by all my fears and stress all at once. Definitely need to remind myself to take small, steady portions... like eating, lol.
Stars. Above. That makes pristine sense, and I can relate. Commence Operation...Booster Shot.
You're not useless. You're an INFP: a refinery of moral value, an earthbound angel, the epitome of imperfect perfection. Do you hear that little voice in your brain, telling you you're not good enough? Crush it. The mind is the biggest obstacle in reformation, and the key lies in realizing it's all in your head; there is nothing physically stopping you from walking straight up to that roommate of yours and asking their opinion on whether Einstein had a secret life collecting exotic bats. I take daily walks through my neighborhood, and, despite my introversion (one of my strongest flaws), fell into the habit of knocking on the doors of complete strangers to tell them they'd left their garages opened (which happens way too often).
I'll be your friend, Rain, if you'd like. I have aspirations for gathering together an elite group of INs (and possibly other, similar types) in an effort to make the world a safer place for us, and, though it's mostly in the conceptual stage at the moment, everything needs to start somewhere. Stand with me, Rain. Stand against the world, and mark my words: that world will change, if I have to die seeing it happen.
Hopefully, by now, I've inspired you into what I have come to call an IN "frenzy". In the even that you didn't already know this: there is power in that feeling, but it doesn't "keep" very well long term. Just keep reminding yourself of the things I wrote about, make it a habit even, and you'll do just fine.
Thank you, that's really inspiration/motivating. It really is weird how I project the things floating around my mind into reality. But here's the thing: If I decide to be confident in who I am, I immediately get this feeling that I'm losing touch with reality and floating off into happy unicorn land (a habit that I'm very aware of), so then I purposefully try and staunch things. I monitor myself. But I'm going about things the wrong way because my ideals also make up the person who I am. It sounds embarrassingly stereotypical of an INFP, but I can't function if I don't feel as if I'm following some meaningful, productive path. My idea of meaningful and productive is being true to myself in even the most minute ways, and to enrich my life through those experiences, like with your example of telling people to shut their garage doors. So then I just shut myself down. (Again, no idea if any of this makes sense.)
Then we get back to the root of the problem--I'm afraid of what people think and I'm a perfectionist. Feels like a catch-22.
So your posts are definitely helping, need to read them more often.
(And of course I'd like to be friends!)
Lol I don't want to stand against the world, I'd probably die of exhaustion after the first minute. I just want to find my own metaphorical little niche to be confident in and protect.
Wtf that's an awesome phrase, "the IN frenzy." I get those a lot (like now) but I never defined it as anything besides me randomly getting gung ho over something for a short amount of time. Wish I could capture that feeling and put it in a little bottle, I'd be a ton more productive.
(Saved that pic by the way, so freaking cute.)
I saw these quotes this morning and thought of you. How are you doing?
I really like those, gonna save them in my little "quotes" Notepad file (just so you know, lol). Things haven't doing too well because of my poor performance in school, but I'm working on it and it's getting a lot better. Reading these posts makes me feel a ton better, too.
I'm glad you've sought help for your depression. IT'S NOT TOO LATE, DAMN IT!!! That sense of hopelessness may also be a symptom of depression. There's a tendency to engage in all-or-nothing thinking, where you're either the awesomest person in the universe, or an utter failure with nothing to offer the world. There's also a tendency to be irrationally negative (having thoughts like: I can’t do anything right; since this person criticized me, he hates me; since that person doesn’t like me, I’m unlikable). Just recognize these thoughts for what they are, and continue counceling and treatment to get rid of them. If you want to talk to someone who's struggled with the same thing, please send me a message.
Btw, my latest bout of depression happened a few months ago, and I ended up skipping 2 weeks of class in medical school. Do you know how severe that is? I got help and managed to pass my exams, so even then, it wasn't too late. It's only too late if you don't get help, which you have, so the outlook is good for you.
EDIT: One last thing, if you have any artistic tendencies, be sure to indulge them. It's therapeutic to express what you're feeling, and often the art you end up making is beautiful, something you can feel good about.
Agh yeah, I tend to do that like it's second nature, but I've been catching it more often. It's a lot of work monitoring all my thoughts though, I mean I'll literally feel exhausted by the end of the day. But I've found that it's worth it--it's like exorcising a demon from my brain, or something. And I'd love to talk more with you about it, maybe you could give me more advice on what you do to combat the depression.
Wow, that's really good you were able to get through that. The same thing has actually happened to me--I stopped taking my medication near the end of the year because I thought I didn't need it anymore, but the depression slipped in so naturally, and before I knew it I'd skipped a ton of classes and was way behind (I still am, actually). I had to drop a class for the first time, freaking scary. It's getting better though, and it's taught me a good lesson.
Yeah, I've found that I feel a ton better when I'm pursuing my artistic interests. What spoils it is again my perfectionism, but I'm working on it. :]