Shame. How has it manifested for other INFJs?
At times I try to coverup my self-consciousness up by taking pride in my 'irregularities', but when I get in that depressive space, I feel such extreme shame.
I do the same thing but it’s not so much a cover-up because I truly am proud of what makes me unique. I just hate it when people put me down for it or can’t understand me. I try to defend myself when someone says I am a "weirdo" for something so trivial as not liking something everyone else likes. Then they'll just interrupt me with, "No, you're just a freak!" Ouch! With people who never understand, I've started defending myself in my head only.
I'm wondering about the role of intuition, the first few years of our lives and learning about ourselves in relation to the world. I gather that INFJs with high intuition (96-99% N) would have extreme shame issues...issues that would distance them from other people very early in their lives when they realize they aren't 'normal' like everyone else. Surely this discovery at 3, 4, 5 years old seemed to be a burden, because they weren't exactly sure how to verbalize it or even if they should talk about it. All they know is that it somehow made them feel alien, even in their own body.
Yes, I totally relate. When I was in preschool, I sometimes would feel like I was an onlooker...watching situations from an outsider's perspective. I would often forget that I was supposed to be involved in certain activities. Or sometimes if my mom would become friends with a fellow preschooler's mom, she'd want me to go over to their house and play with the child like we were best friends while she hung out with their mom. I remember getting this feeling about certain kids…I just
knew they would take advantage of my shyness and insecurity.
It's weird. I can go for years at attempting some sort of 'normalcy' (at least for me) then suddenly I'll get swept under to that place where I'm not sure I will recover again. My core self has been re-traumatized, and the shame I feel is overwhelming, mainly because I'm old enough that I should have mastered these feelings.
That happened to me when I was in a new situation with a lot of people I didn’t even know. I realized just how much I sucked at making friends and that made me feel like such a loser.
How to get by as an INFJ? Be self-sufficient and self-motivating. Enjoy being appreciated when it shows up, but never expect it. Recognize your strengths and the fact they're almost surreal in nature. I've often felt like an anomaly, simply because I've met *very* few people with my focused intensity. Yeah, I have bad days and shoulder too much, but it's quite satisfying that I'm one of the few that can manage to do it. Be proud.
The other day my mom told me about a couple of her friends commented on my maturity and how much fun I was to be around. I told her to tell me every time someone complimented me because it really keeps me motivated…to know that all is not lost. Being an only child, I get along with adults a lot easier but it’s almost a curse as well because while many adults become my friends, they are almost afraid to become close friends with me because of my age (even though I technically am an adult @ 22 yrs). I think it creeps them out that they’re old enough to be my mother/father, aunt/uncle, or older sister/brother. If anyone can shed some light on this dilemma, I’d love to understand how to have closer friendships without age being a barrier.
One problem for me is that when I feel alienated from others I feel shame about that.
Whenever I can’t “click” with my peers, it’s quite discouraging and I feel so isolated. I hate that feeling…it’s so overwhelming.
What helped me was during adolescence to work out a system in my mind that functioned in tandem. There were the negative emotions and then the observer analyzing what was happening. By thinking from two vantage points simultaneously it increased objectivity......One simple thing that helps is making an effort to evaluate myself along the same lines as I would evaluate anyone and it helped in gaining a balanced perspective.
I have started doing this as well. I have to live with my “inner voice” and since there are already so many negative and cruel voices around me, I should make the voice I have control over my friend, not my enemy.
I have always had trouble making friends.......At the same time I feel disturbed when people draw what appear to be almost random conclusions about me, even people who have known me all their life. I am often flabbergasted when people express some opinion about who I am and I just wonder if they ever knew me at all. I hope it is a moment of confusion and that deep down they did know me.
Oh YES! I know exactly what you mean! I desire to know how I come across to others and it eats at me when someone says something like that. One time a girl told me, “I’ve been wanting to introduce myself to you but you always look like you don’t want anyone to talk to you.” WHAT?! All this time?!
I was made fun of and rejected so much in school that oftentimes I can't just "put myself out there". I hate the feeling when I discover someone who I thought was a close friend had been using me all along and never really liked me.
BTW, how can I find out my enneagram?