Seriously.
There's this woman who's begun to hang out recently with the same 'group' that I hang out with. I would say 'insinuated herself within' might be a better term. Everyone seems to think she's innocent but she'll just sort of say or do kind of nasty little things to me. ie. she said "I really liked that skirt and then I realized you were wearing it."
Or, we're in the same class and we were supposed to practice with the person behind us and she was behind me so she just got up and walked out and didn't return until the exercise was almost over. Ah, and lately we went to this "movie room" and I told the group "anything but chick flicks" and while I was looking through the movies she picked a chick flick and got the other girls to say ok. Then later, when I was unhappy, she said "oh, was that a chick flick?" What else *is* a romantic comedy with no plot *other* than a chick flick? And then she was like "I guess that's the trouble of doing things in groups, someone's always disappointed."
I really can't tell if anyone else can tell how she's behaving toward me and I don't spend time with her so I don't really feel like I can just invite her to coffee and say "so, you don't like me." Also, the stuff she says is just...it seems subtly mean, so if I call her on it she could easily say that I just didn't understand and then I would look rash and stupid. But...Why on earth doesn't she like me?!
She's ESFx. And, I think she may be an Artisan. Why? Shes' a drama teacher, she seems really disingenuine to me, she thinks that 'oh, because I felt it' is a valid reason for doing anything.
Any ideas? How should I respond? I normally try to avoid unhappy conflict.
From what you describe, this girl is a passive-aggressive bitch who is trying to make you look and feel low value. The upside is she can be easily out classed. The downside is: if you play her game, you will lose. To me, this is really just a head game.
1. She provokes you.
2. You feel negative emotions.
3. You express those feelings.
4. People see you reacting, and assign you a lower value.
1.Develop Indifference
Accept the situation. She will keep trying to provoke you to you react. You need to prepare yourself mentally for that. You need an unbreakable positive mental frame. Take the attitude that her actions are a complement and appreciate her effort. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. She may be motivated by negativity, but she still finds you worthy of effort. This means until you react to her, you are the powerful one. Before that point, she is reacting to you. You should also appreciate the opportunity for self-development she brings. Let her focus be on the short-term, and yours on the long-term. This will cultivate an powerful frame of indifference and non-reaction to her.
What ever she cares about, be indifferent to. Have no opinion initially. If another person disagrees with her choices openly, support how that person feels by appealing to a high value, like fairness. Let her short-term focus be on fulfilling her self-interest. Let your focus be on fulfilling the groups interests. She seems to wait for you to signal your desire, then act to circumvent it. Flip the script. True indifference signals nothing.
You also need to be indifferent to her when she is not around. Don't gossip about her. In fact, purposely over defend her when she is not around. Use the principle of resistance. If you over advocate for her while she's not there, others will feel the need to resist you by trying to find her flaws.
2. Confident Humor
Anything she says to you laugh off. If she tries to burn you or put you on the spot with an unexpected compliment, you should make light of yourself. This is a process called disqualification. It shows you are confident with your flaws and humble about your strengths. There is a simple formula for it: agree + negative exaggeration. It doesn't have to be witty to have it's effect. Instead of resisting her, you leverage her. Though, if a person insists on complimenting you or is sincere, just say thank you.
A few examples:
Her: Your joke wasn't funny.
You: I know, usually I pay them to laugh... I'm broke at the moment.
Her: Looks like it's that time of the month.
You: Totally, look out for bitchzilla.
Her: Wow, you lost weight.
You: Thanks, I guess these optical illusion pants were a good investment.
Her: No, I mean it.
You: Thank you.
Her: Let's watch a romantic comedy.
You: Sure, we can pretend we're 40 and desperate for true love.
Her: Well, you can.
You: Ok young lass.
Her: I guess that's the trouble of doing things in groups, someone's always disappointed.
You: Ya, do you want to see my puppy face?
I hope this helps. There may be other things you can do as well. Ultimately the lesson here is not to resist, first accept then leverage. Like judo, use her strength against her.
By doing these things the person will eventually give up or try harder, in which case the person exposes themselves to the group as a jerk. This is also a pretty effective way to deal with ENTPs who want to step up, as button-pushing is their bread and butter.