ergophobe
Allergic to Mornings
- Joined
- Apr 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,210
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
- Enneagram
- 7w6
yeah that's kinda what I meant - that whether you say 'I feel' or give concrete examples, or however you put it, essentially what you're doing is bringing up a problem you have with another person which, obviously, at least initially, you would consider to be at least partly their fault. So I'm just wondering how you could consider it possible that someone could feel hurt by something you've done or said, and yet still somehow raise the issue with you without in any way suggesting any fault on your part.
That's the first part, and secondly, that even if that IS achieved, verbally at least, it's of little consequence if the other person still just interprets you wrongly anyway because of a tendency towards taking things personally and being overly defensive.
I just don't get how you're supposed to say to someone "I'm upset because when X happened you said Y" - giving concrete example there and talking in terms of "I feel", WITHOUT it implicitly being a criticism, and implying blame on the other person's part.
Sub -- you're right, it is a form of criticism. We are pointing to what should be criticized and how not questioning the criticism itself. My goal is a practical one -- how to better reach the ENFP in question.
Amargith's rules and what I suggested help you bring it up better with the ENFP, pointing to the behavior versus the personality and what they consider core values. ENTPs don't define themselves as people persons do they? We define ourselves as idea and people persons. We do harbor the self-image (sometime accurately and sometimes less so) that we understand people well and that we are empathetic and egalitarian - protective of others rights too. This is why criticism in the interpersonal realm is more hurtful to us. It would be like attacking your core competency in your field. Doesn't mean that it can't or shouldn't be done. When presented in the way we suggest, it is received better because we can distinguish the concrete examples as something we can change. We have power over that.
The best, unfortunately religious metaphor I can think of is that of the sinner versus the sin. We prefer that the sin be pointed out. Wouldn't you prefer that someone pointed out a particular competency related weakness versus calling you incompetent? You can correct the particular problem and it is easier to accept. I hope this helps.