substitute
New member
- Joined
- May 27, 2007
- Messages
- 4,601
- MBTI Type
- ENTP
About 3 years ago, I took the big step of coming out of Islam and into Christianity. My chosen denomination was the Church of England, in the Anglican/Episcopalian Communion. I was baptized and confirmed. I went to services very frequently and began training for the priesthood.
I have never forced my kids to practice religion purely because I do. Whenever I've been involved in religious activities, be it services or anything else, I've always given them the option of going to play at a friend's house or something, or accompanying me if they want to. Most of the time they've chosen to come with me, but I've never taken this for granted and every single Sunday (or whatever) I've always asked them the question (and the night before too) "Do you want to come to church or shall I drop you off at [someplace else they like to be]?"
My eldest daughter, K, being the sociable ExFJ that she is, decided to accept an invitation to go along to the youth group on a Tuesday afternoon, after school. She's continued to go there for a little over a year now, though I strongly think the main reason for her is social rather than spiritual. Occasionally, the youth group prepares plays and other presentations, to give during the Sunday services in church, and K always bags herself some star part.
Now, here's where the problem starts: for the last 10 months or so, I've been having increasingly strong issues with the church, coming to a point where I've simply stopped going, as going there has a considerably negative effect on me (and thereby a knock-on effect on the kids). What the issues are, is beside the point here; suffice it to say, I very strongly do not want to go to church and can't see that changing in the foreseeable future. I've given up my training and pretty much dropped out of the church.
But K still goes to the youth group. And she expects me to go to the services where she's performing or presenting something with the youth group, just to support her. Sometimes I do go, just for her, but I really, really hate it; I'm literally seething all the way through and can barely bring myself to applaud the kids because I feel so bitter and angry at the hypocrisy of how the church does the total opposite of all the good values they've taught those kids to perform songs and dances about. So, I more often than not don't go.
I'm feeling now like, though I've never forced my kids to go along with stuff they don't want to do just for me, I'm now being forced to go against my spiritual integrity just for K. I'm also cynically aware that at least half the reason why the youth group leaders make them do these presentations is in order to manipulate their parents into attending services to boost the falling attendance figures and get more money in the collection plate.
Would it be fair for me to tell K she can't go to the youth group any more? Somehow I instictively feel that it wouldn't be.
Is it fair for me to refuse to go to services just to support her performances? I'm not too sure about that one...
Would it be fair for me to suggest she go to the group, but not get involved in performances? Not sure about that one either...
I do know though, that the very least effective way of all to get me to do anything is to try to make me feel that I 'ought' to. But I feel that both the church leaders AND my own daughter are trying to "should" me into periodically appearing to support something I've consciously decided against. Is that fair?
As usual when emotion enters the equation, I'm all of a muddle and don't really know how to sort out this tangle of connected-but-disparate facts and questions. Any help will be welcome.
I have never forced my kids to practice religion purely because I do. Whenever I've been involved in religious activities, be it services or anything else, I've always given them the option of going to play at a friend's house or something, or accompanying me if they want to. Most of the time they've chosen to come with me, but I've never taken this for granted and every single Sunday (or whatever) I've always asked them the question (and the night before too) "Do you want to come to church or shall I drop you off at [someplace else they like to be]?"
My eldest daughter, K, being the sociable ExFJ that she is, decided to accept an invitation to go along to the youth group on a Tuesday afternoon, after school. She's continued to go there for a little over a year now, though I strongly think the main reason for her is social rather than spiritual. Occasionally, the youth group prepares plays and other presentations, to give during the Sunday services in church, and K always bags herself some star part.
Now, here's where the problem starts: for the last 10 months or so, I've been having increasingly strong issues with the church, coming to a point where I've simply stopped going, as going there has a considerably negative effect on me (and thereby a knock-on effect on the kids). What the issues are, is beside the point here; suffice it to say, I very strongly do not want to go to church and can't see that changing in the foreseeable future. I've given up my training and pretty much dropped out of the church.
But K still goes to the youth group. And she expects me to go to the services where she's performing or presenting something with the youth group, just to support her. Sometimes I do go, just for her, but I really, really hate it; I'm literally seething all the way through and can barely bring myself to applaud the kids because I feel so bitter and angry at the hypocrisy of how the church does the total opposite of all the good values they've taught those kids to perform songs and dances about. So, I more often than not don't go.
I'm feeling now like, though I've never forced my kids to go along with stuff they don't want to do just for me, I'm now being forced to go against my spiritual integrity just for K. I'm also cynically aware that at least half the reason why the youth group leaders make them do these presentations is in order to manipulate their parents into attending services to boost the falling attendance figures and get more money in the collection plate.
Would it be fair for me to tell K she can't go to the youth group any more? Somehow I instictively feel that it wouldn't be.
Is it fair for me to refuse to go to services just to support her performances? I'm not too sure about that one...
Would it be fair for me to suggest she go to the group, but not get involved in performances? Not sure about that one either...
I do know though, that the very least effective way of all to get me to do anything is to try to make me feel that I 'ought' to. But I feel that both the church leaders AND my own daughter are trying to "should" me into periodically appearing to support something I've consciously decided against. Is that fair?
As usual when emotion enters the equation, I'm all of a muddle and don't really know how to sort out this tangle of connected-but-disparate facts and questions. Any help will be welcome.