Thanks for the responses guys.
Perhaps my direct action will eventually yield their understanding. I'm setting up weekly meetings and trying to get some privacy.
conversation I had with my ENFJ 6 head manager:
me: I feel like everything is great when I have something for you guys to do. There's a mission in place, I'm enthusiastic, and everyone else is too. But in the last 2 months there has been nothing for us to do and I wanted to see how you guys act hands off. I'm not sure I can provide the consistent action that you guys seem to enjoy.
enfj: oh you're consistent. you're just consistently miserable and unhappy.
me: no I'm not I'm fine.
enfj: we have plenty of drive and enthusiasm, you're just not joining it.
me: I deactivated my car to save money on insurance and gas and I live on your living room floor. I can't be physically with all you guys every day.
enfj: its fine. We understand. Do what you do. (I interpret this as a passive aggressive response when matched with the bitter look on his face and tone of voice)
me: I'd like to set up weekly meetings on skype.
enfj: *sharp tone* we already have weekly meetings at the gym. You're not seeing them.
this is what I have to deal with. I ask for feedback but he always tells me I'm doing fine and nothing needs to change. Yet I have to deal with his attitude all the time. But when I'm enthusiastic and have something for him to do, suddenly everything is cool. His bitterness seems to be present anytime I act cold around him. Considering I'm a cold person and dont' always feel like smiling, its difficult when I feel like I have to be bright and smiley all the time around him. I'm thinking I just need to not live with him anymore so that everytime I'm interacting with him, its on the grounds of enthusiasm with a plan at hand.
Remember that 6
reacts... it can be a 6 tendency to "push back". It can be annoying for others to deal with (and it can be frustrating internally for the 6, too), but it's not intentionally negative. It's just like pushing on the famous Bobo doll... it swings back in your direction in an attempt to restabilize itself because it's been knocked out of balance. So if you come up to a 6 who is feeling stable... and "push" them in some way, they're likely to instinctively push back. To the internal experience of a 6, when you "push" us, it feels like you're saying or doing something incorrect that needs to be corrected.
However, if you're patient, up-front, and reassuring, a 6 can usually quickly restabilize and get on board with you. The bright side of this is we tend to be accommodating and we tend to take on responsibility, so if you can approach a 6 gently and give them time, information, and expressed support, they'll probably be willing to bend over backwards for you.
I am additionally fairly certain that living with someone who is underneath you in a work structure is difficult for both parties. 6s are already skeptical of authority in general (we see very clearly how their power over us puts them in a position of being easily able to harm us, and thus are wary), and him seeing you in a nonprofessional context probably blurs a lot of strange personal/professional lines. Especially considering the reversed power structure of you, the person in charge, being on
his floor. I can see that stirring up a whole lot of resentment on the part of a 6.
To theoretically break down the conversation you guys had in terms of push/react - no telling if this is totally accurate but it's at least a good facsimile of 6 defensive thinking:
(I'm starting each bullet with "you" and your action because in 6 perception, things happen
to them, imposing on them.)
- You approach with enthusiasm; 6 counters with telling you you're grumpy. To the internal experience of the 6, he might hear you talking about your positivity and enthusiasm but he, being analytical and skeptical, immediately thinks back on all the times you
haven't been like that, and this sets off alarms in his head. He might wonder if you're mistakenly seeing yourself like that to your personal benefit while everyone else is suffering, or if you're trying to just present one face of yourself because you're trying to convince him of something. The "push back" revolves around how and why you might be deceiving and using him.
- You demonstrate that you're doing all you reasonably can and depriving yourself of fairly basic needs (no proper bed, no car) for your employees' sake. He may mentally run that up against perceiving you being emotionally inaccessible or physically unavailable when he feels like he or the other employees needed you, and again find an inconsistency. But he's already tried to argue that point, and you shot it down, which may be what made him respond passive-aggressively this time.
- You tell him you want to add something to the workload; he likely runs this through the questions of "why do we need this?", "is this going to be helpful?", and, considering the content of the conversation, whether this will make you more present and enthusiastic. Since clearly he doesn't think so, he disagrees. The additional negativity I think probably comes from the viewpoint of whether you're trying to help employees or mainly taking care of yourself. MDP made a really excellent point about it being hard to see things through a manager's shoes, and most employees won't always be able to see it. And you just have to give them that latitude and ignore it sometimes. With a 6, the more you show them that you're actively concerned with their personal welfare and are open and transparent as far as is appropriate, that will ease a lot of fear of "The Man" fucking them over.