Berbs, I think that you have been through all kinds of terribleness and back and the fact that you are still alive and kicking says a lot for you! I'm going to venture to say though that maybe you're looking for someone to fill a spot that no one but you are able to. Until that gap in your own heart is healed up, there will always be reasons that you will either choose someone who will not value you in the way you deserve or else that you push away a person who wants to love you in the way you need to be loved. It is a difficult thing to trust someone, especially if your past experiences all seem to say that it is dangerous to do so.
Perhaps some ways to know if you're ready for anyone are:
Do you trust any male implicitly? - No, I only trust my 2 closest female friends.
What would a potential relationship for you consist of if sex wasn't a part of it in the first few months? (In other words, how would you build emotional and intellectual intimacy without having physical intimacy to fall back on?) - Honestly I don't know, it would feel kind of empty and confusing to me, physical intimacy is the only intimacy I allow, from there I see whether any other kind of intimacy is possible.
Do you feel like your own emotional needs are taken care of? Do you have anything extra left to offer someone else? - No, to both counts. I thought maybe I could wing it, that I could get what I crave from someone else and from there heal enough to be able to offer something back, but that didn't really go all that well as shown by this thread. I know about the saying about loving oneself before anyone else can, but self esteem and confidence and and always have been 2 feelings I have never experienced.
Are you ready to look for someone long term? Entering into something that you know is temporary before you even begin has great potential to hurt one or both of you. What kind of a man would you want to be your kids' stepdad or role model? - No, not really, but I am so lonely. I just want to be loved, even if it's just for a short while, it stills feels great for awhile. I didn't really think my actions through, I was so lonely for over 4yrs, I just wanted to feel something, anything to make me believe that more could be possible, and I just dived in.
I don't know about a stepdad for my kids, I can't actually imagine any guy filling that role. I see myself as both father and mother and I see that as a permanent thing.
Do you know what the right sort of partner would look like to you? Are there any dealbreakers? How would you know if someone were or weren't the right person? - No, not really. I just feel that I would know, that I would feel something for that person and that I wouldn't start shutting down around them. The right sort of partner is a fantasy to me.
Have you practiced being assertive and honest with other people in your life? If you are not comfortable doing that with other people, it will be a million times harder with a romantic partner. - Yes, I have and continue to practise. I'm alot better than I used to be, but still nowhere near as assertive as I would like to be.
Have you figured out what factors contributed to your emotional insecurities? Have you resolved them in some way? If you are carrying that baggage along with you, it is almost impossible for you to even see the other person as they are and you will be more likely to choose someone who either tries to control you or who gives into you, neither of which you can respect or trust. - Yes and no, I know what my insecurities are, I know where they come from, I just don't know how to get rid of them. I try to rationalise them away, but that doesn't work, I still feel them. I am just repressing them all the time, slapping a mask on and walking around with an air of empty bravado. I never even used to have these insecurities, they are a collection of left over baggage from my marriage. I'm at the beginning stages of therapy, the assessment stage to decide what treatment is best suited for me, I truly hope that this will help me figure out what I need.
Could you be happy without a man in your life? Do you have other areas of your life that offer emotional support, fulfillment, and happiness? If not, too much rides on making something successful that may or may not be a good choice at that time. - I do have areas in my life that fulfill me, my great friends, my kids, my interests. I'm quite able to fill up my 9 boxes (feel the fear but do it anyway) with other stuff, but the box that relates to a relationship still leaves me feeling lonely. I could live without a man, but I'm not sure it would be a happy choice. It would simply be a confirmation of those insecurities I have, that I am not worthy nor special enough to be loved.
Just a few thoughts. I respect the fact that you've put all this out here for people to discuss with you. That takes a lot of guts. Obviously you do care about how you affect other people, or you wouldn't bother. You've got lots of people rootin' for you!