janey_girl
New member
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2009
- Messages
- 74
- MBTI Type
- INtJ
I find relationships very, very difficult...
Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered.... I'm the swan on the lake - I am paddling furiously to keep the whole thing going but above the water it looks like effortless grace...
I guess when I fall for someone I don't want to lose them, this paranoia becomes greater the further down the relationship I go - the odd comment about my body, about maybe finding other people attractive, about relationships only being finite (I always read as "I'm with you until I find someone fitter/younger/more fun").
I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over... This time I hope things will be different as I've found someone truly special, but I'm in a pretty rocky place at the moment and I can't see any lifeboats around....
Well I better be off to boil a few bunnies now....
Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered.... I'm the swan on the lake - I am paddling furiously to keep the whole thing going but above the water it looks like effortless grace...
I guess when I fall for someone I don't want to lose them, this paranoia becomes greater the further down the relationship I go - the odd comment about my body, about maybe finding other people attractive, about relationships only being finite (I always read as "I'm with you until I find someone fitter/younger/more fun").
I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over... This time I hope things will be different as I've found someone truly special, but I'm in a pretty rocky place at the moment and I can't see any lifeboats around....
Well I better be off to boil a few bunnies now....