Hm, I relate to a lot of what has been said here.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am like Finland.
Seriously. This comparison has come to mind because I’m half Finnish, and spent quite a lot of time in Finland as a child, and it seems as though Finland is a well kept secret (the Nordic country that hardly anyone visits, as compared to the others…etc). But – I think everyone I know who’s been there really loves it. So, I feel as though most people don’t really know me and also don’t really bother, but those who do mostly seem to like me quite a lot.
I’ve never been good at belonging to cliques (obviously an issue in high school, and unfortunately cliques seem to exist in other aspects of my life even more than ten years after leaving high school), and in some ways I take pride in that, but in other ways it has made my life difficult. I have always had a few close friends who don’t really belong to cliques either, and then I float a bit between cliques, sometimes socializing with those who definitely belong to them, but not really fitting in. Part of me thinks “well, it seems as though a lot of people like me at least a bit, even the really cliquey ones.” Another part thinks “I really am kind of invisible, and I will never really fit in anywhere.”
People draw conclusions on partial evidence, sometimes. Apparently I can seem distant – I’ve had that more than “stand-offish”, but occasionally in my life I’ve been told that too. Apparently also I can seem intimidating because of being a six foot tall woman with a deep voice, and highly intelligent (I know, not a modest thing to say, but most people in my life seem to agree it’s true!).
I also have that problem of not wanting to intrude on other people. Sometimes I may take it too far in the other direction. We all know those people who seem to instantly make friends with everyone and be invited to everything. I assume they’re mostly ExxPs! They seem to have the gift of joining in with everything or still getting invited even if they turn down some invites. In my experience, if someone asks me and I say no for whatever reason, a lot of them will never ask me again. I dare say I do give off a vibe of being fairly self-sufficient (not really true, though sometimes I wish it was), enjoying my own company, etc. And then there’s the INFJ dilemma of having had various people hurt me in various ways…when we hurt, we really hurt. I guess I have developed a bit of a fear in that area. Sometimes it’s better to just not go there, because if I make an effort with people (and there have at least been times in my life when I really, really try to make efforts) and they ignore me or brush me off, that hurts too, perhaps more than it should.
I have a few people who I’m close to and who include me, and that should be enough. Sometimes you realize that the people who are ignoring/not including you would be bad for you anyway, because they don’t really share your values, they tend to use their friends and then abandon them when it’s no longer convenient…etc. But in any case it is hard sometimes not to feel lonely/left out/not well liked. One thing that helps is to look at the quality of the people who do appreciate me, versus the quality of some of those who don’t. I know it sounds judgmental, but the difference can be glaring sometimes.