I want to get back to something posted earlier in this thread- I was taken out of commission for a few days. A *lot* of the stuff that’s being said in this thread (and probably actually more so in the sister thread “common ENFP issuesâ€, but I’m posting here because this is more about INFJs) about Fe seems to be at least loosely based on the premise that Fe is about mindless conformity and necessarily less authentic than Fi. I’m not sure exactly where this notion comes from, but it’s kind of like saying Te ‘users’ necessarily have less authentic thoughts because they adhere to external paradigms more than the self-made critical reflection of Ti; which is obviously bullshit.
Introverted function = depth
Extraverted function = breadth
Not
Introverted function = authentic
Extraverted function = fake
Having more Fe than Fi doesn’t mean I cling to mindless ‘formal’ social rules of etiquette; in fact, I loathe mindless social rules of etiquette and question them at every turn. I just recognize where people need them to feel respected, and my priority happens to be on making other people feel respected (that's where the 'breadth' comes in). People do the best they can. There are some relatively good people who just never felt the need to question ‘formal’ rules: I adhere to the rules around them and get away from them the first chance I get, because it’s exhausting to me.
Scott Denver brought up (
in sister thread) the example of how- in some situations- the behaviors he deemed more trademark of Fi were actually more thoughtful to adhere to than typical societal rules of etiquette. My point here is that someone with more Fe than Fi is just as likely to pick that up (maybe even more so): because it’s about having one’s focus on the feelings of others in any particular environment. Sure, there are Fe ‘users’ who will judge such environments for not being ‘polite’: but they don’t do it because they are Fe ‘users’, they do it because they are close-minded individuals who don’t want to do the work of adapting.
I am personally far, far more comfortable in environments where I don’t have to remember a bunch of 'formal' rules to make others feel respected- because it’s important to me to feel respectful. It absolutely wears me out when I have to be completely distracted by following some stupid pre-conceived guideline simply to feel respectful.
Having Je aux means- because my perception is directed inward, and judgment is directed outward- I am less malleable ‘in the moment’ than other types whose perception is directed outward and judgment is directed inward. And, more specifically, having Fe aux means that I am less malleable ‘in the moment’ during my interaction
with other people. Here’s an example which was brought up earlier in this thread:
I walk up the door of an IXTJ's office, drop all my guards and just let all that weird, messed up childish Fi glow at them. Fi does not remain within the confines of my body. It kinda touches people. (Insert CRAZEE) I let them know I love them, because I am an idiot and pretty much love everyone. The best I can figure, something about the facial expression, the openness, the sheer nuttiness of it, causes them to get happy, even if they are miserable.
I have heard mirror neurons suggested as a potential explanation.
They kinda look at me sideways and they smile. I actually will hug the INTJs and touch their faces. It is almost spontaneous. It isnt sexual at all, just love. After only knowing them for a few days they will tell me all of their frustrations or about how painful the last year has been for them or how dumb other people are. They innately trust me.
You know that if you did that to an INFJ they would either be annoyed, or kill you, right? I don't mind occasional nuttiness if I'm part of it
and the circumstances are right. Otherwise, it seems like attention seeking. (
I don't mean this unkindly, but find it interesting at how very differently different types will respond to the same thing).
I not trying to speak for fidelia, but for me “and the circumstances are right†= if I somewhat anticipate it.
It isn’t that I don’t want someone coming up to me and doing this because I think it’s ‘improper’, or that I have some negative judgment about people ‘needing attention’: I don’t like someone behaving this way towards me because it’s an interruption. It’s a ‘surprise’ of sorts, it interrupts my thinking process and stifles my sense of freedom (which- for Pi types- is in the mind). I prefer things (and people) in the external world to match my expectations (which I formed myself- I didn’t absorb mindless social expectations) so that I can have as much freedom as possible to explore internal possibilities. That’s where my freedom is- just like an ENP type’s freedom is in being spontaneous and “crazy, wacky, etc†(in other words, exploring possibilities in the external world).
And about my expectations: I do my best to scale them down to a bare minimum, to be as reasonable as possible. For example: I expect strangers to not punch me in the face unprovoked. My expectations are largely based on my past experience of others, what I consider ‘typical’ human behavior and that which- on my own reflection- seems ‘respectful’ (i.e. not punching strangers unprovoked). If a friend calls me up to ask a favor- they don’t have to go through some ridiculous protocol of asking how I’m doing first, but they do have to show consistency in their behavior towards me (being curmudgeonly when they don’t need anything- but being all syrupy nice when they do- just doesn’t fly with me). I generally don’t expect strangers to come up and lavish me with flirty attention simply because it isn’t something that happens in the regular course of any given day; it’s unexpected, therefore it’s an interruption.
I don’t really understand why INTJs prefer that kind of interruption. The only thing I can think of is that (because they are more Fi than Fe) they don’t feel on-the-spot pressure to react in a way which assures the other person (the one who initiates the playfulness) will leave the incident feeling respected. That’s probably the biggest reason it might annoy an INFJ, but not an INTJ. The distraction for me would be, “damnit, now I’ve got to stop what I was doing and quickly come up with some reaction to assure this person that I acknowledge their attempt to involve me in playfulness is not- in itself- a loathsome thing to do.†INTJ types probably aren’t distracted by how their reaction makes the individual feel- so they can quickly dismiss it if they aren’t in the mood and get back to whatever they were thinking?
But anyway- my point here is: I think people are mistaking the INFJ need for consistency in the external world with some mindless need for others to conform to shallow rules of etiquette.
/rant
edit: okay, since posting this, I've gone back to catch up on that sister thread and it looks like this has *somewhat* been addressed over there.