I paid off her car loan to the church yesterday along with a anon note that explained I didnt need her to pay me back but instead to help others in need in the future when she had the chance and wished her god's blessings.
Once again, the meat of the matter is letting her
into your home and dealing with the issues.
This is what I know about volunteering. Your money will always be accepted and put to use. But in my volunteer experience, what I've been told and seen is that even though you money will always be accepted your hands and your physical labor is always on a shortage.
I guess this whole situation and your judgments and condemnation hit a sore point with me. My parents took in two families on two separate occasions when I was younger. I know what it's like to have a family living in your home (although I understand they lived in the church), essentially doubling the occupancy and the stress.
One family was fine and they happened to stay with us a two weeks when I was a young teenager. The other family stayed with I was eight and as far as I knew there were more kids in the house to play with. It wasn't until the second family came and went that I understood and my mother compared the experiences that I had a grasp on the mechanics of the issue.
First of all it is obvious to me (maybe because of the Fe) that I
clean up after myself. I too didn't realize that this isn't automatic in some people or that what it means to clean up after yourself means different things to different people. To clean up after myself means to restore the area to at least the condition it was in when I got there or better. That means that I be observant enough to note my surroundings and there state. It means when I go use someone bathroom and brush my teeth and if toothpaste flicks everywhere, I wipe the toothpaste off.
I think it's fair that if someone gives you money, you are accountable to them for what you do with that money. My sister asked me for $75 last year and I assumed she needed it for necessities or something. On the weekend, I saw packages for new games and Xbox accessories. I asked her where did you get the money for this and she told me it was the $75 I gave to her. You really wouldn't care if you gave someone a significant sum and found out they used it to go on vacation or buy something unessential?
This woman's arm was not twisted into taking you MIL's assistance. Why didn't any of this woman's family take her in? In my experience, when family members cease helping in situations like this, it usually means the situation has gotten so unbearable and intolerable that even family washes their hands of it. Why don't you look deeper into what is going on rather than be disgusted with your MIL?
Why didn't the woman go to a shelter? Are there substance abuse problems? Where is the father(s)?
Have YOU talked to the woman in depth about her situation? What have your interactions been like with her? Have you just seen from afar ("she seems loving towards her kids" "they don't look malnourished") or have you taken the time to talk to her and see where her head is at? Maybe your MIL is privy to details about the situation you simply don't know about. Maybe you MIL saw something you didn't see which lead her to a different conclusion than you.
I have two friends that are social workers, I have unfortunately had family members in similar situations, and I know what I've seen and experienced myself. These situations are
never as simple as your OP makes them out to be. There are typically issues such as neglect, substance abuse/domestic abuse, mental instability, and a host of other issues. As has been previously stated, your MIL was venting and I don't see anything wrong with what she said other than her thinking she was saying something in sympathetic and understanding company and being wrong.
Of course, your first instinct is to help and that's what your MIL. But after that, you need to start getting to the bottom of the situation. Once you start doing that digging and untangling those knots you find out more of what's going on and even though you still want to help you often find out the person's hands aren't as clean as you initially thought.
TBH, I feel like this is Level 1 empathy. It's not intelligent empathy, it's not empathy with discernment or wisdom. It's instinctual empathy more or less wanting to see someone else out of misery because it disturbs you. Their hurt, hurts you so you need it to stop so you'll stop hurting, if that makes any sense. To me this is like finding someone beaten and bloody on the street and taking them into your home. You don't know why they're beaten to a bloody pulp, all you know is they are and you feel like you should help. That's level 1. Level 2 (to me) is asking what happened. Why would someone do this to you, what were events leading up to this. Then you get a fuller and more complete picture and you find out what that person's role in the situation was. Level 3 is figuring out how can this be fixed. There are more levels above this and each one has it's on nuances but this is what I'm thinking about the subject.
If you're at level 3 with this family (I guess they need Te as you say), then why don't you step into the gap and up to the plate? If you so obviously see what needs to be done, then do it. You give them money, but they need basic money management skills. One conversation about money does not money mgmt make. I found this, maybe this would be a good start if you want to start with money.
http://www.credit.org/media/docs/PPPdownload.pdf. She has a car now, but does she have gas? Does she have car insurance? Are the tags up to date? You would be surprised at how many people have problems filling out gov't forms and need help understanding and interpreting what they need to do to get themselves the help they need. On top of that, it's very overwhelming and frustrating to wade through all the bureaucracy and many people in her situation just give up. I watched my own sister go to the DMV three times because she didn't understand what counted as documentation that proved her residency in our state. From what you've said, I wouldn't be surprised if this woman needs help in this area too.
That's just one piece of the puzzle, this woman needs to (re)build a life for herself and her family. Maybe your MIL did as much as she knew to do, has reached her ceiling and needs someone with a different skill set to help. If you have that skill set then offer it. Start being a mentor and teacher to this woman and stop bitching about your MIL.
However her statements mix Ti and Fe...I think what offends me on an Fi level...her statements indicate that "If the mother cared...she would do X". "If the mother loved her kids...she would do Y". They assume that the lack of the action X or Y is indicative of a lack of love and caring on the mother's part-presumtous Fe. Fe which shows love through actions. Because I do understand the mother deeply loves her kids-by watching how she holds them, how she looks at them, how she kisses them...These Fe judgments really evoke a strong Fi response in me.
Like I said before, you can be so overwhelmed with what you have to do that you just feel stuck on stupid, not knowing where to start. But I do agree with the basic gist of these sentiments and if that's presumptuous then so be it. If you care about something, there will be fruits of your caring...there will be some sort of output. Output can be behaviors, actions, words, changes in patterns of thought. If I see nothing, no activity, nothing happening outside of the person that indicates to me a change is happening then I will likely assume no change is happening. No one questions whether or not this woman loves her children, the question is is she able to take of them. Loving them and taking care of them are two different things. Love will not put food in their bellies, or change their dirty diapers, or get them to doctors appointments. My neighbor loves her children, says she loves them, but social services still took them away because they haven't been to school since Thanksgiving and saw the conditions the kids were living in. You would think love would be enough to motivate the mother into doing these things, but evidently not.