I have to run to a meeting, but I ran across mention of psychologist R.D. Laing the other day. He coined an interesting phrase called "ontologically insecure" (vs ontologically secure).... a sense of self that isn't grounded in any permanent sense and constantly feels as if it were being lost.
Anyway, I'm sure others will chime in. I struggle with the same thing -- wondering if NP increases the possibility for it, + having one's desires denied in childhood.
Interesting, Jennifer. I had never heard of that before – would definitely have to look into this more in-depth. Thanks for pointing it out.
Could you give a few examples of what questions you would be unable to answer when you have lost your sense of self? Do you notice the loss or lack yourself, or does it become apparent to you only when asked something that sparks an investigation of the self?
Here are some things my concerned husband has noticed about me (more intensively as late) that has caused him (and me) concern:
1. Although my 'chameleon' persona helps me adapt to people and surroundings extremely quickly, it seems like *I* do not have a set of preferences or ideas myself on what to do
outside my career. Making decisions, etc. within my career – perfect. Interpersonal relationships – I stink. Perfect example: I say, "Let's go somewhere when I have vacation." Husband: "You never TAKE vacation!" Me: "Well, how about this, I'll drop this and that, move that there, this then, and then I can get three weeks off for us." Husband: "FINALLY, so what do you want to do?" Me: "I don't know, what do you want to do?" Husband: "I asked you; you must have some idea; you're good at ideas." Me: "uh, uh, uh...I don't know." Frustrated husband, "Well you must have had SOME IDEA when you proposed it." And I just want to hide in the sand.
2. My interests change more and more rapidly. Hopping from one thing to the next. "Super, duper gym for 15 euros a month!!!!! I AM SO PSYCHEDDDDDDD!!!" turns into, "Ugh, I hate the machines, they're so weird. Everything's impersonal. I have no motivation!" one to two weeks later, followed by, "I know!!!!! I can get more Wii games!!!!!!" Then do them enthusiastically for one to two weeks, and then, "Hey, I want to go back to my old gym where they have a sauna, yayyyy!" My poor husband sits there thinking, "What the eff???"
3. When I start a project, I jump into it enthusiastically, bursting at the seams. If one thing goes not according to plan, I just am like, "Wtf this sucks, why did I get involved in this," which makes my husband want to turn into Hannibal Lecter on me.
4. Little things such as, "What do you want to eat/drink" elicits, "I don't know....I'm not sure..."
5. I make major decisions I subsequently regret, and rather than following through, I back out a day/week/month later.
And a bunch of other faults I have, and my sense of self, my 'goodness' and 'badness' is completely dependent on:
1. My success (a setback makes me feel like an utter failure, you idiot, how could you be such a moron, you can't do anything right, you suck so bad, whereas success makes me feel like you rock, you're so good at this, you were *destined* for this, you are such an awesome person, go you, yaaaaaaaaaaay)
2. How I feel inside (good day = good person, bad day = bad person)
3. How others perceive me (people love me = I'm lovable; people don't love me = I suck donkey balls, should crawl up under a big stone and stay there my whole life)
^^^ THAT is not normal.
((( But I don't know how to CHANGE IT????
when i'm alone and don't have an audience, it almost
seems like parts of me become almost inaccessible
--it doesn't mean it's gone, but it just doesn't surface
as easily when i have someone to bounce off. people
kinda just serve as a mirror to my emotions. different
people for different emotions.
but at the same time i think it also has to do with my
crazy imagination--like i can't stop imagining, so i really
need a strong creative outlet, and through experience
i have a vague idea of what each person's quota is on being
that outlet. i deal with people according to the level of
understanding i have for them. that's part of the reason
why my behaviours are different around different people.
i'm not uneasy with the shifting though. i like it. or else it'd
be terribly boring to be the same 'ol mmhmm all the time.
i'm only uneasy if i self-doubt. but for me, self-doubt is easily
eliminated. it has to do a lot with not having a detached
perspective as one of my core strengths. it's oh so very, very
hard for me to relate to something from another's point of view.
so dealing with different people based on different understandings
really help me expand my perspectives.
and i definitely don't think most people have an accurate first
impression of me, the persona that i've cultivated isn't too
expressive of the person i experience myself to be. most people
just see parts and smidgins, and i'm the only one that gets to
see everything put together. it has to do with how i store the
things i understand in my head. i mean it all makes sense to
me but it's like all in post-its you know? no form of organization
in my head at all, so i have a difficult time articulating it out.
my biggest issues has always been that i need be close
(to somebody) but at the same time i need to be free.
this is probably the most prominent internal conflict
i have, and i actually notice it after the fact that it's
created complications for me in interpersonal relationships.
i just don't like relationships that are overly defined
or confining in anyway at all. i must always feel i am
free. my point is... somewhere in there.
Awesome, and see, that's the GOOD way yours comes about, and it does this for me, too. But I find the *negative* aspects creeping up on me more and more and I want to nip it in the bud before I go totally whacko and they send me to the next sanitarium.
I dont think that especially you have no sense of self, you rather have no sense of how you are perceived by others and by putting too much importance on the opinion of others, you become insecure. Opinions always have to be put into a context, if a 19 year old tells you something about yourself you cant take that the same way like if your husband would tell it to you. Being a self, means to just be one, there is no encrypted genetical makeup you have to find first, no its by the actions you show what person you are.
It's a thing often misunderstood on this page and it follows a kinda religious dogma. Its that people constantly try to search for something when looking at their personality, not understanding that they are the ones which are at the same time the quest and the questing one. It's like a belief in a greater power or an inherited joke that makes people tick like they do, without understanding that the smithies of our luck is nobody than we ourselves.
You have clearly identified your problem above, so self-awareness aint your trouble, now be a self !
[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cwjiC397dE"].[/YOUTUBE]
This is a really good point. See my 'goodness' and 'badness' are not only associated with one person who is important to me. It's everyone. And if I get 23 people who say, for example, my class rocks and they enjoyed it, and one person – one single person – gives me a bad evaluation, I will think OMG What did I do? Am I bad? What could make them say that? What should I do to change it????
Intellectually, I know I SHOULD say, "Who gives a rat's ass; that person may have been having a bad day, dislikes your face just for the hell of it, wants to throw you off track, or just hates English no matter what you do – pay attention to the 23 who LIKED it A LOT!" but I just obsess like a weirdo. And I don't know WHY! If I knew why, I could work on fixing it, but I can't fix it because I don't know where the problem is.
I am a little bit like that. This is why it is important for me to take some time to re-group and do things that I love to do I guess.
This is a major, major problem for me, Gromit. I work so hard, I never let myself regroup. And when I cancel things to give myself time, I sabotage it by taking more OTHER stuff on.
I'm really a workaholic/actionist.
Ditto. I've always felt as though this may be a problem common to insecure Fi. But I'm not too certain of that.
I DO know that when I spend too much time interacting with others and not enough time by myself to think and digest things, that I often have this feeling of being lost. I won't know who I am anymore or what I want or what I believe in. So, time to myself is really important to me to have a stronger sense of self.
Maybe THIS is my problem. *ponders* I'm spending too much time out there – and not enough time in here??? Why do I run away from contemplation??? It's so strange.
Is ESFP one where the introverted function is perceiving? I thought this was because in my cognitive function order my extroverted function (Fe) was judging and the introverted one (ni) perceiving, therefore always taking in information not making the decisions hence a lack of a introverted judging solidness (like Ti appears to me).
No, ESFP is Se dominant (extroverted perceiving) and Fi aux (introverted judging).
It's kind of the opposite for you.
Yeah, I just kind of jump/leap into the action. When I stop one action (and even before I stop) I leap to the next bloody action until I wear myself out, crying that I need a vacation, but compulsively take on more work. I feel BAD when I'm alone not doing anything. I'm compelled to do shit, and it's really kind of disconcerting.
So basically I pulled the radical plug. I said, "Okay, fuck it, you all, I don't give a shit if I lose my job(s), I'm taking three weeks off (sort of, still got two projects on my plate, but better than five billion) and so THERE." I hope it will give me the time to get my rear in gear and get my ducks in a row.
In that case well I would say the common problem of any type is to lean too heavily or too long on the dom. function. Miss Linguist try using your relief function or reading from the book on the coping with stress for your type. I found this one to be helpful for learning about myself under stress and how you can recognize it before it gets too drawn out:
http://www.amazon.com/Was-That-Real...1703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312485606&sr=8-1
Jennifer did the meeting go well?
Good advice. I'll check it out, thanks.
I have wondered this (ish) too, i always linked it to a lack of inner conviction (it's not). Not trusting who i truely am. I blame not finishing things on it too.
I have struggled with different aspects of my personality comming out depending on the company i am keeping but i am pretty sure thats down to adaptability/versatility and nothing to do with compromising my values or being false.
I think the *I* thing is more to do with panic over the concrete solid form...
p.s why did you change your type?
I don't think Ne is my dominant function. I'm way too get out there and get all active and shit without using the good brain God gave you. Besides, I think I'm more concrete than pie-in-the-sky abstract genius girl. Yeah, I know, I'm being stereotypical.
But you know what I mean. I hope.