soul_searching
New member
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2017
- Messages
- 33
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
Throughout my life, I never really had a solid sense of identity, so over the years, I’ve become obsessed with finding myself and my life purpose and who I’m meant to be. I’ve become more self-absorbed, admittedly. However, this insatiable need to discover the world in my soul and find something that proves to me that I’m not merely an ordinary member of society has ruled my life the past few years. I didn’t always seek this, though. When I was a kid I sought acceptance, belonging, and affection. I was considered “immature†socially because of my touchy feely nature, and I even had to repeat kindergarten because of it.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I really want to become recognized as a writer. Not so much mainstream recognition, but I want to be admired for my talent. It’s not that I even believe I’m talented, but I want the admiration and recognition to validate me, to convince me that my words are meaningful and emotive and amazing. (Even though it never does, but I want someone to have the power to change that)
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I try to avoid appearing selfish and self-absorbed, but I don’t necessarily succeed, at least not the past few years since I’ve become nearly self-obsessed. It’s not in a narcissistic way because I don’t believe I’m amazingly unique, but I want to be seen as such; I think that stems from childhood and being ignored and repressed.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
One of my biggest fears is being forgotten. I’ve always felt left out in groups or when I’d introduce friends to each other (I used to love bringing people together until I noticed a negative pattern in my life), they ended up growing closer, and I was abandoned. Even as an adult I have this deep-rooted insecurity – I’m afraid of I bring people together, it will only make them see how amazing the other person is, and I won’t feel significant anymore.
I’m afraid of never accomplishing anything, as my lack of self-confidence/self-worth is pretty much nonexistent. I’m constantly comparing myself to others, and I don’t feel there’s any need to show who I am because I don’t think I’ll be seen as anything special. Yet keeping myself locked up so tightly is killing me; my desire to show the world who I am, especially in the written word, is intensely strong, but my fear of my words not standing out, or someone else being superior than me (I feel inferior to talented writers who aren’t mainstream, those who don’t realize how amazing they are) hinders me.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want people to see me as what I greatly value in the moment; I want others to see me as profound, creative, interesting, and a talented writer. I see myself as very fragile and sensitive. I see someone who's gone through deep internal struggles and deserves to feel good about herself and have something that's solely hers and hers alone.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I’m in a writing groove that seems endless; when I’m pouring out my heart in words and it’s all flowing naturally and effortlessly, when I feel like I’m reaching something unknown and profound. I feel my worst when I’m isolating myself from others. I want so much to be the open-hearted person I used to be and make friends easily, but that’s not who I am anymore, unfortunately. And lack of connections on the soul level make me feel like I have no purpose.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) I have an intense relationship with anger. I’ve lashed out in ways that I never want to repeat. It terrifies me to realize who I’ve become – it almost feels out of body; like I’m not part of the physical world and separated from my body - my words and actions are so uncharacteristically cruel, and at times it feels like a complete, psychotic break. After the explosion, I’m shoved back into my body, staring in horror at the destruction, as if I had no control over any of it. I end up hysterically crying, wildly apologizing, and begging for forgiveness, and I don’t know what else to do to prevent the other person from leaving me. It’s not only remorse that causes me to break down, it’s fear too, because I don’t want to be seen as evil or psychotic and lose everything I have. Yet it’s always been like this when I get angry.
b) Shame I experience intensely – when I’m blown up at and all my faults are being thrown at me, especially. It’s as if the shame is entering my body and setting my core on fire and projecting outwardly; my face grows hot and beet red, my body starts shaking. It’s incredibly intense, that in that moment, I don’t feel like I belong in the physical world and silently beg the surface I’m on to crack open and swallow me whole. I feel this overwhelming need to cleanse my insides, wishing I could tear apart my soul and mold it into something more worthy. (It sound dramatic, I know, but that’s honestly how I experience it.)
c) Anxiety is just as intense, but I don’t know if that’s more due to an anxiety disorder than much else. But I feel it first physically, then it manifests into shame, then anger (Anger because I don’t want to feel so much, so intensely all the time, especially if it’s something not worth being anxious about).
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) I’m a wrecking ball when I’m stressed. I have extreme tunnel vision, and I don’t notice that I’m hurting anyone by blindly and selfishly focusing on something for my own personal gain. I become obsessed with making life changes that I believe will eliminate the stress, just to gain some stable ground. Then, despite my making my life more stressful doing this, I desperately seek answers externally (another person, an expert in meditation, psychic, etc) because I believe that’s the only way I’ll ever feel peace internally, but it’s not something I can achieve when I’m under stress. I really have to pull back and evaluate myself and realize things usually aren’t that deep in reality, despite it feeling so.
b) I don’t deal well with change, especially when it’s unexpected. My first reaction to unexpected change is to resist it and withdraw from it. I refuse to adjust, and resentment ends up building and building until I can no longer see straight. It took me years to find my way out of the wreckage after an unexpected change, and I’m slowly adjusting to the new normal.
c) Conflict is very double edged to me. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I avoid conflict at all costs, but I don’t seek it out. If I can feel that someone is mad at me but they refuse to tell me what’s wrong, then I’ll try my best to gently coax them into telling me so that we can eliminate the heaviness in the air (that I end up internalizing). I’ll willingly have intense conversations, and I’m open to hearing someone out, even if it’s difficult to hear if it means that we can resolve the conflict/issue. I’m notorious for hating when someone walks away from me in an argument. I just want things settled right then and there. I have this fear of losing the other person, and I feel like with too much time and space, that there’s a greater chance it will happen. Other times, I won’t speak my mind if I know it’ll cause an argument. I can rationalize it; I can swallow my feelings and deal with them independently, whereas dealing with a blow up is worse for me. I’m willing to bite my tongue if it means keeping the peace in this regard.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) Authority as in a manager I find annoying, especially if they’re hyper focused on things that I don’t think are important. It makes it difficult for me to put forth effort when I don’t care, and it makes me not care about the job when I’m being nit-picked or things have to be done their way. But if it’s a manager that I have a genuine rapport with, someone who encourages me to grow personally and professionally, then I’m completely willing to take initiative and go the extra mile.
b) I don’t think anyone should have power over another person. It really gets under my skin when executives or anyone on a higher “rank†treats those “below†them with little to no respect or acts if everything/everyone is beneath them. I also don’t believe in “sucking up†to those in power either. Of course I believe in being respectful and polite, but I don’t find it necessary to roll out the red carpet just because they’re on an executive or VP. If I have a personal admiration for them, and I’m genuinely feeling it, then I'll make the extra effort. But I loathe feeling like I have to treat them like they’re superior just because it’s expected.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
When I was a kid, I looked at the world through rose-colored glasses. I believed there was good in everyone, and I was eager to take the underdog under my wing. I loved finding people to rescue, because I loved the feeling of being needed. But as I’ve grown older, I don’t feel like I belong in the world. I tend to cling to those I’m close to and not seek out unnecessary interaction with my environment unless I’m completely comfortable in it.
Throughout my life, I never really had a solid sense of identity, so over the years, I’ve become obsessed with finding myself and my life purpose and who I’m meant to be. I’ve become more self-absorbed, admittedly. However, this insatiable need to discover the world in my soul and find something that proves to me that I’m not merely an ordinary member of society has ruled my life the past few years. I didn’t always seek this, though. When I was a kid I sought acceptance, belonging, and affection. I was considered “immature†socially because of my touchy feely nature, and I even had to repeat kindergarten because of it.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I really want to become recognized as a writer. Not so much mainstream recognition, but I want to be admired for my talent. It’s not that I even believe I’m talented, but I want the admiration and recognition to validate me, to convince me that my words are meaningful and emotive and amazing. (Even though it never does, but I want someone to have the power to change that)
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I try to avoid appearing selfish and self-absorbed, but I don’t necessarily succeed, at least not the past few years since I’ve become nearly self-obsessed. It’s not in a narcissistic way because I don’t believe I’m amazingly unique, but I want to be seen as such; I think that stems from childhood and being ignored and repressed.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
One of my biggest fears is being forgotten. I’ve always felt left out in groups or when I’d introduce friends to each other (I used to love bringing people together until I noticed a negative pattern in my life), they ended up growing closer, and I was abandoned. Even as an adult I have this deep-rooted insecurity – I’m afraid of I bring people together, it will only make them see how amazing the other person is, and I won’t feel significant anymore.
I’m afraid of never accomplishing anything, as my lack of self-confidence/self-worth is pretty much nonexistent. I’m constantly comparing myself to others, and I don’t feel there’s any need to show who I am because I don’t think I’ll be seen as anything special. Yet keeping myself locked up so tightly is killing me; my desire to show the world who I am, especially in the written word, is intensely strong, but my fear of my words not standing out, or someone else being superior than me (I feel inferior to talented writers who aren’t mainstream, those who don’t realize how amazing they are) hinders me.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want people to see me as what I greatly value in the moment; I want others to see me as profound, creative, interesting, and a talented writer. I see myself as very fragile and sensitive. I see someone who's gone through deep internal struggles and deserves to feel good about herself and have something that's solely hers and hers alone.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I’m in a writing groove that seems endless; when I’m pouring out my heart in words and it’s all flowing naturally and effortlessly, when I feel like I’m reaching something unknown and profound. I feel my worst when I’m isolating myself from others. I want so much to be the open-hearted person I used to be and make friends easily, but that’s not who I am anymore, unfortunately. And lack of connections on the soul level make me feel like I have no purpose.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) I have an intense relationship with anger. I’ve lashed out in ways that I never want to repeat. It terrifies me to realize who I’ve become – it almost feels out of body; like I’m not part of the physical world and separated from my body - my words and actions are so uncharacteristically cruel, and at times it feels like a complete, psychotic break. After the explosion, I’m shoved back into my body, staring in horror at the destruction, as if I had no control over any of it. I end up hysterically crying, wildly apologizing, and begging for forgiveness, and I don’t know what else to do to prevent the other person from leaving me. It’s not only remorse that causes me to break down, it’s fear too, because I don’t want to be seen as evil or psychotic and lose everything I have. Yet it’s always been like this when I get angry.
b) Shame I experience intensely – when I’m blown up at and all my faults are being thrown at me, especially. It’s as if the shame is entering my body and setting my core on fire and projecting outwardly; my face grows hot and beet red, my body starts shaking. It’s incredibly intense, that in that moment, I don’t feel like I belong in the physical world and silently beg the surface I’m on to crack open and swallow me whole. I feel this overwhelming need to cleanse my insides, wishing I could tear apart my soul and mold it into something more worthy. (It sound dramatic, I know, but that’s honestly how I experience it.)
c) Anxiety is just as intense, but I don’t know if that’s more due to an anxiety disorder than much else. But I feel it first physically, then it manifests into shame, then anger (Anger because I don’t want to feel so much, so intensely all the time, especially if it’s something not worth being anxious about).
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) I’m a wrecking ball when I’m stressed. I have extreme tunnel vision, and I don’t notice that I’m hurting anyone by blindly and selfishly focusing on something for my own personal gain. I become obsessed with making life changes that I believe will eliminate the stress, just to gain some stable ground. Then, despite my making my life more stressful doing this, I desperately seek answers externally (another person, an expert in meditation, psychic, etc) because I believe that’s the only way I’ll ever feel peace internally, but it’s not something I can achieve when I’m under stress. I really have to pull back and evaluate myself and realize things usually aren’t that deep in reality, despite it feeling so.
b) I don’t deal well with change, especially when it’s unexpected. My first reaction to unexpected change is to resist it and withdraw from it. I refuse to adjust, and resentment ends up building and building until I can no longer see straight. It took me years to find my way out of the wreckage after an unexpected change, and I’m slowly adjusting to the new normal.
c) Conflict is very double edged to me. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I avoid conflict at all costs, but I don’t seek it out. If I can feel that someone is mad at me but they refuse to tell me what’s wrong, then I’ll try my best to gently coax them into telling me so that we can eliminate the heaviness in the air (that I end up internalizing). I’ll willingly have intense conversations, and I’m open to hearing someone out, even if it’s difficult to hear if it means that we can resolve the conflict/issue. I’m notorious for hating when someone walks away from me in an argument. I just want things settled right then and there. I have this fear of losing the other person, and I feel like with too much time and space, that there’s a greater chance it will happen. Other times, I won’t speak my mind if I know it’ll cause an argument. I can rationalize it; I can swallow my feelings and deal with them independently, whereas dealing with a blow up is worse for me. I’m willing to bite my tongue if it means keeping the peace in this regard.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) Authority as in a manager I find annoying, especially if they’re hyper focused on things that I don’t think are important. It makes it difficult for me to put forth effort when I don’t care, and it makes me not care about the job when I’m being nit-picked or things have to be done their way. But if it’s a manager that I have a genuine rapport with, someone who encourages me to grow personally and professionally, then I’m completely willing to take initiative and go the extra mile.
b) I don’t think anyone should have power over another person. It really gets under my skin when executives or anyone on a higher “rank†treats those “below†them with little to no respect or acts if everything/everyone is beneath them. I also don’t believe in “sucking up†to those in power either. Of course I believe in being respectful and polite, but I don’t find it necessary to roll out the red carpet just because they’re on an executive or VP. If I have a personal admiration for them, and I’m genuinely feeling it, then I'll make the extra effort. But I loathe feeling like I have to treat them like they’re superior just because it’s expected.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
When I was a kid, I looked at the world through rose-colored glasses. I believed there was good in everyone, and I was eager to take the underdog under my wing. I loved finding people to rescue, because I loved the feeling of being needed. But as I’ve grown older, I don’t feel like I belong in the world. I tend to cling to those I’m close to and not seek out unnecessary interaction with my environment unless I’m completely comfortable in it.
