Since this is my first post, I'm just gonna say hello and say I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone around here 
Now let's get down to the typin'.
Disclaimer: How are you doing? Are there any major life events/illnesses/other issues that might be influencing you? Did you write this in one sitting, or have you pondered these issues deeply? Give us a sense of "where you're at" right now.
I'm about as fine as I've ever been. Had a depressive episode that more or less ended about two months back, but seeing how it's been a pattern for as long as I remember that I get blue once the temperatures reach the 80s I'm just gonna chalk it up to SAD. I've thought about typology a lot, but now as I sit down to this post I'm probably gonna finish it in one sitting, as I usually prefer to do.
(Note that some of these issues may be very personal, and if you'd prefer not to share, it's perfectly acceptable to skip questions.)
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0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I relate more or less to every type. My results tend to be pretty close too. I'm pretty green in Enneagram in general, and I'd rather keep it that way until I get some second opinion lest I become biased in favor of a type that's not really "me".
1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
My mind always needs stimulation. When it can't get it, it creates some itself. So when left to my own devices, I find my mind racing every which way, contemplating everything from the meaning of life to what kind of fruit I'd genetically engineer if I had the ability.
2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
It's to be on edge most of the time. I kind of need the stress, otherwise I create it myself. To be me is to be constantly disappointed with myself, but also trying to impress everyone around me. Oh, and to try to fit in. I wanna both stand out and blend in at the same time. I know what I want, problem is that what I want tends to contradict a lot.
b. What have others said about you?
That I'm smart, quiet and socially awkward. I've been told I'm nice, but also that I can be insensitive. To the point I've considered I might fall on the autism spectrum, actually.
c. What do you think of yourself?
I think I try my best with people, but don't reach nearly half my potential intellectually. Not saying I'm the next Stephen Hawking, but I could definitely get good grades in school (I'm a law student at the moment, if that helps any) and maybe even become good at some particular subject or art if I actually put in the effort. And because I don't, I think I'm pretty mediocre right now.
3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Definitely social issues. I've never had too many friends, and been bullied throughout elementary school. I don't remember much from that period, and it doesn't get better later on. In fact, I've thought about it recently, about how my entire life feels like a bridge crumbling right behind me every step I take. Guess you could call it repression, but I've gotta say that I don't recall anything particularly traumatic that happened after that first stage of education. Now that I'm in college, I'm a bit of a social outcast, in large part because of my own choices. I don't smoke, I dislike drinking (it just makes me sleepy, no matter what I drink, so I kindly ask you to refrain from recommendations to "fix" this problem) and I find no fun in clubbing. I'd rather talk about things that many of my peers consider "lofty", like politics or language. Doesn't mean I can't or don't socialize, I do it and greatly enjoy it, but I'm very particular about my company. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think people who drink are stupid or anything. I just do different things for fun than they do.
OK, that was the big one. I've also had trouble getting along with my immediate family, mom and little brother especially. My brother I barely know, I feel, even though we lived under one roof for 13 years. I honestly don't like him as a person. I feel he's rude, haughty and cold, and I avoid him as much as possible. And my mom, let's just say we had a very difficult relationship for a long time. She said a lot of hurtful things to me over the years, at one point telling my brother right in front of me that she "feels sorry for him having such an awful sister". She's always seemed very petty to me, always seeking revenge for whatever slight I inflicted upon her. Hell, I'm almost 20 and until 3 years ago she'd always bring up how I hate her because I told her to find a job when I was 5 (she's a stay at home mom and always nagged at me to clean my room, so 5-year-old me figured that was the best solution). At this point I'm much less open with most of my family, feeling that whatever I say can and will be used against me at some point. I talk to them a lot, and I don't hide major events, but I'm more strategic about how I present them.
4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
I hate this phrasing. My mother would always talk about how "things just are the way they are and can't be changed". So fatalistic. Nothing ever got done back home because of that, no one ever tried to make any effort to improve. I've made it a point to actively avoid that mindset.
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
Definitely consistency and long-term drive. I'm good at achieving short-term goals, but anything longer than a year or less concrete than learning a song on the piano? Forget it. I'd also like to be "smoother" socially. I'm not a good mingler, although recently I've found myself falling into that same "flow" I know from learning a skill.
5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
I've left a boyfriend and a friend later on because I felt as though I was being used as an emotional crutch. Words to the effect of "you're my only friend" or "you're all I live for" trigger a very defensive response in me now because of that. I care about people, even if I don't seem that way all that much, but I think I've learned the difference between being helpful and being used. And I enjoy being helpful. It's much easier for me to show affection through direct support than through words. But I draw the line when people start acting entitled and expect me to be available to them 24/7.
6. Which types do you identify with most?
3 and 1, probably. As mentioned above, I relate to most types in one way or another, but these two "feel" closest.
a. How do you relate to these types?
3 for the basic fear. I'm absolutely terrified of being worthless or perceived as such, and I have this tendency to measure my success with grades and achievements. I probably feel my happiest when I'm being genuinely praised or even admired for something that I've achieved (not something that I "am", mind you; I crave praise, but it's not satisfying unless I know I've earned it). 1 for the descriptions of behavior. I'm an idealist in a way, I definitely have a vision for what's "best" for everybody. Tried to enforce it back home, even. Related to the question above, I got really mad at that friend I ditched when they refused to seek professional help for their medical ailments. I also try to keep myself physically and emotionally in check, which is part of the reason I don't like drinking. No moral objections against it, but the feeling of losing control of my limbs absolutely terrifies me.
b. How do you NOT relate to them?
I'm a lifelong procrastinator, so I lack that enterprising attitude that 3s seem to exhibit. I do tie my value to my achievements, but I can't find the motivation to actually achieve. As for 1, I can't say I have a rigid system of morality, or at least I can't discern one in myself. I just think that situations have to be judged on case to case basis; only once you judge them can you find ways to make them better. I've been known to be the devil's advocate on many occasions, because I can easily see very different perspectives and still not judge them as immoral.
7. Which types are least like you?
I honestly can't think of one. Maybe 7, but it's a bit of a stretch.
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?
I'm probably not as enthusiastic as the type description seems to call for. I'm a fairly cool-headed person who needs to think everything through. I'm also not especially scared of deprivation or pain, it's just something I'm prepared to work through should it occur.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
I definitely have that "kid in a candy store" approach to many things in life, and I believe in giving things a shot before giving up on them. Much as I hate clubbing now, I still give it a go every couple of months because things may change, you know.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
Used to be extremely preoccupied with it, until I had my first boyfriend. With how clingy and overwhelming he was, I started to see love as more of a background thing. I would like to have a partner, but I don't actively go looking for one. If it happens, it happens. I need to know that I'm with that person because of strong intellectual and physical attraction, not just because I'm starved for cuddles. My ideal relationship, weird as it may be, would look a lot like the Underwoods in House of Cards. I don't mean the political scheming and occasional murder, I mean how they're intellectual equals and "partners in crime", so to speak, first and foremost.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?
Correct me if I'm wrong, it's about my "higher self", the more noble impulses and all that jazz, yeah? I guess it tells me that everyone deserves a shot at making themselves better, but no one will do the work for them. And that one of the most noble pursuits is to better oneself in every area of life. Not necessarily to be perfect at everything, there's no such thing, but at least to become a balanced human being.
Consider a time when you felt poorly about yourself--this means your ego (i.e. YOU) is receiving negative feedback from your superego. Write a conversation between the two of them--what is your superego telling you about how to be? (Note: this obviously is very personal and may be better done privately. Report your findings).
Superego: You've done all those great things in the past. Won competitions, learned a language, impressed everyone. What happened?
Ego: I just don't have the time now.
Superego: You have more time on your hands than you've ever had. You don't even have half the classes you used to when you won that trophy.
Ego: It was easier back then.
Superego: You were stronger back then. Now you're weak. You're making excuses. You know you can start right this second and turn things around. You know you can because you have.
Ego: What's the point though? I did all these things and yet here I am, doing nothing, being worthless.
Superego: You're only worth as much as you make of yourself. The bad news is, it's up to you. The good news is, it's up to you.
For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply and give a brief description of why and how you relate.
10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)
Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.
- to be accomplished and successful
- to be "okay", having it together
- to be powerful, strong, unassailable
- to be knowlegeable
- to be loving and benevolent
- to be a loveable person
- to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
- to strive to become/behave like a good person
- to be devoted and loyal to a person or cause
11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?
I've touched upon it in one of the previous questions. Now, I feel I've been treated unfairly by my parents, and my mother in particular. I feel like she has always blamed me for disrupting her studies (as you can tell, I was an accident). I feel she was vindictive and biased against me in favor of my little brother, a golden child who could do no wrong. I still remember the day I got home from school with an award for my poem and my mother dismissed that in favor of praising my brother for taking his first crap on the toilet. I just wanted to be appreciated for what I did, and never seemed to get the appreciation I thought I deserved, so in some areas I stopped trying altogether. I felt like I was just getting in the way when I tried. And whenever I did something wrong, my mother would sigh and say "that's just the way you are". It never felt right. That's why I was so happy when I found MBTI (not gonna name the type I got, I wanna keep it separate from my enneagram), because it confirmed what I had already believed. What my mother called my inherent flaws weren't flaws at all, it was just that I saw things differently from her, and that was okay. As for the common felt senses below... I have felt most of them to some degree.
Here are some common "felt senses" of life:
- I must do everything to maintain my world
- I have a sense of being unimportant, insignificant, and underving of attention
- I feel imperfect, not (good) enough
- I have been abandoned and I am inherently flawed
- I'm outside the natural unfoldment of things
- People have wronged and messed with me
- I feel isolated, cut off, and ultimately separate
- I have felt weak and/or vulnerable to attack
- I've had a sense of being rejectible
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.
Discuss which fears have played the greatest role in your life:
- Creating conflict by making myself or my needs too obvious
Not really, I don't shy away from conflict when I feel there's an issue that needs to be addressed.
- Rejection, being needy, and not being loved
I dread the idea of rejection, but rejection itself isn't too bad. It's like having your blood drawn at the doc's, the needle is scary at first, but it doesn't leave much of an impression on me when it's done.
- Weak and not being on top of things
I find it hard to admit weakness, true. Ideally, I like to be self-reliant, and I like to know precisely where I stand. Ambiguity or uncertainty makes me rather anxious.
- Failure
I plan for it when other people refuse to hear that it's an option. I actually get a bit of a kick out of damage control, especially if I get a little "I told you so" moment.
- Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost
Abandonment is a sad idea to entertain, and I'm not gonna pretend that it's not, but it's not the scaries thing to me. Being abandoned, sad or lost sometimes is just a natural part of life and is rarely permanent, most of the time you can pick yourself up.
- Entanglements and losing what I have
My most valuable possession is my knowledge and some skill. Losing material possessions is something I think about from time to time, and it doesn't terrify me. Losing my cognitive ability or health, on the other hand... very scary.
- Something is basically wrong with me--I'm not good enough
Let me answer with an example: when my psychiatrist suggested I might be on the autism spectrum, I freaked the f-ck out. Pardon my French. I just couldn't handle the idea that there could be something wrong with me that couldn't be "fixed", or solved neatly. Further evaluation revealed that I didn't nearly meet the diagnostic critera, but the fear was real. I also mentioned it a couple of times when talking about my mother, I think. To this day, when I say something mean or do something wrong I have flashes of my mother saying "well, that's just the way you are". Lazy, incompetent, what have you.
- Boredom, grunt work, and being exposed as a charlatan
I'm basically never bored because of this racing mind of mine, and mindless, grunt work makes for a great background activity for daydreaming while also being productive. Yay! I do fear being exposed as a charlatan though. I sometimes inflate my image to impress, and obviously the longer I try to keep up the illusion, the harder it gets. If that's what the question is about, anyway.
- A lot--everything and everyone to one degree or another. It's very generalized.
I do have mild anxiety, but few things really "mortify" me. As mentioned before, I'm always a bit on edge. A bit jumpy. People sometimes say I worry too much. That might stem from my attitude that you should always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Minimizes disappointment.
Now let's get down to the typin'. Disclaimer: How are you doing? Are there any major life events/illnesses/other issues that might be influencing you? Did you write this in one sitting, or have you pondered these issues deeply? Give us a sense of "where you're at" right now.
I'm about as fine as I've ever been. Had a depressive episode that more or less ended about two months back, but seeing how it's been a pattern for as long as I remember that I get blue once the temperatures reach the 80s I'm just gonna chalk it up to SAD. I've thought about typology a lot, but now as I sit down to this post I'm probably gonna finish it in one sitting, as I usually prefer to do.
(Note that some of these issues may be very personal, and if you'd prefer not to share, it's perfectly acceptable to skip questions.)
------------
0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I relate more or less to every type. My results tend to be pretty close too. I'm pretty green in Enneagram in general, and I'd rather keep it that way until I get some second opinion lest I become biased in favor of a type that's not really "me".
1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
My mind always needs stimulation. When it can't get it, it creates some itself. So when left to my own devices, I find my mind racing every which way, contemplating everything from the meaning of life to what kind of fruit I'd genetically engineer if I had the ability.
2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
It's to be on edge most of the time. I kind of need the stress, otherwise I create it myself. To be me is to be constantly disappointed with myself, but also trying to impress everyone around me. Oh, and to try to fit in. I wanna both stand out and blend in at the same time. I know what I want, problem is that what I want tends to contradict a lot.
b. What have others said about you?
That I'm smart, quiet and socially awkward. I've been told I'm nice, but also that I can be insensitive. To the point I've considered I might fall on the autism spectrum, actually.
c. What do you think of yourself?
I think I try my best with people, but don't reach nearly half my potential intellectually. Not saying I'm the next Stephen Hawking, but I could definitely get good grades in school (I'm a law student at the moment, if that helps any) and maybe even become good at some particular subject or art if I actually put in the effort. And because I don't, I think I'm pretty mediocre right now.
3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Definitely social issues. I've never had too many friends, and been bullied throughout elementary school. I don't remember much from that period, and it doesn't get better later on. In fact, I've thought about it recently, about how my entire life feels like a bridge crumbling right behind me every step I take. Guess you could call it repression, but I've gotta say that I don't recall anything particularly traumatic that happened after that first stage of education. Now that I'm in college, I'm a bit of a social outcast, in large part because of my own choices. I don't smoke, I dislike drinking (it just makes me sleepy, no matter what I drink, so I kindly ask you to refrain from recommendations to "fix" this problem) and I find no fun in clubbing. I'd rather talk about things that many of my peers consider "lofty", like politics or language. Doesn't mean I can't or don't socialize, I do it and greatly enjoy it, but I'm very particular about my company. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think people who drink are stupid or anything. I just do different things for fun than they do.
OK, that was the big one. I've also had trouble getting along with my immediate family, mom and little brother especially. My brother I barely know, I feel, even though we lived under one roof for 13 years. I honestly don't like him as a person. I feel he's rude, haughty and cold, and I avoid him as much as possible. And my mom, let's just say we had a very difficult relationship for a long time. She said a lot of hurtful things to me over the years, at one point telling my brother right in front of me that she "feels sorry for him having such an awful sister". She's always seemed very petty to me, always seeking revenge for whatever slight I inflicted upon her. Hell, I'm almost 20 and until 3 years ago she'd always bring up how I hate her because I told her to find a job when I was 5 (she's a stay at home mom and always nagged at me to clean my room, so 5-year-old me figured that was the best solution). At this point I'm much less open with most of my family, feeling that whatever I say can and will be used against me at some point. I talk to them a lot, and I don't hide major events, but I'm more strategic about how I present them.
4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
I hate this phrasing. My mother would always talk about how "things just are the way they are and can't be changed". So fatalistic. Nothing ever got done back home because of that, no one ever tried to make any effort to improve. I've made it a point to actively avoid that mindset.
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
Definitely consistency and long-term drive. I'm good at achieving short-term goals, but anything longer than a year or less concrete than learning a song on the piano? Forget it. I'd also like to be "smoother" socially. I'm not a good mingler, although recently I've found myself falling into that same "flow" I know from learning a skill.
5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
I've left a boyfriend and a friend later on because I felt as though I was being used as an emotional crutch. Words to the effect of "you're my only friend" or "you're all I live for" trigger a very defensive response in me now because of that. I care about people, even if I don't seem that way all that much, but I think I've learned the difference between being helpful and being used. And I enjoy being helpful. It's much easier for me to show affection through direct support than through words. But I draw the line when people start acting entitled and expect me to be available to them 24/7.
6. Which types do you identify with most?
3 and 1, probably. As mentioned above, I relate to most types in one way or another, but these two "feel" closest.
a. How do you relate to these types?
3 for the basic fear. I'm absolutely terrified of being worthless or perceived as such, and I have this tendency to measure my success with grades and achievements. I probably feel my happiest when I'm being genuinely praised or even admired for something that I've achieved (not something that I "am", mind you; I crave praise, but it's not satisfying unless I know I've earned it). 1 for the descriptions of behavior. I'm an idealist in a way, I definitely have a vision for what's "best" for everybody. Tried to enforce it back home, even. Related to the question above, I got really mad at that friend I ditched when they refused to seek professional help for their medical ailments. I also try to keep myself physically and emotionally in check, which is part of the reason I don't like drinking. No moral objections against it, but the feeling of losing control of my limbs absolutely terrifies me.
b. How do you NOT relate to them?
I'm a lifelong procrastinator, so I lack that enterprising attitude that 3s seem to exhibit. I do tie my value to my achievements, but I can't find the motivation to actually achieve. As for 1, I can't say I have a rigid system of morality, or at least I can't discern one in myself. I just think that situations have to be judged on case to case basis; only once you judge them can you find ways to make them better. I've been known to be the devil's advocate on many occasions, because I can easily see very different perspectives and still not judge them as immoral.
7. Which types are least like you?
I honestly can't think of one. Maybe 7, but it's a bit of a stretch.
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?
I'm probably not as enthusiastic as the type description seems to call for. I'm a fairly cool-headed person who needs to think everything through. I'm also not especially scared of deprivation or pain, it's just something I'm prepared to work through should it occur.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
I definitely have that "kid in a candy store" approach to many things in life, and I believe in giving things a shot before giving up on them. Much as I hate clubbing now, I still give it a go every couple of months because things may change, you know.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
Used to be extremely preoccupied with it, until I had my first boyfriend. With how clingy and overwhelming he was, I started to see love as more of a background thing. I would like to have a partner, but I don't actively go looking for one. If it happens, it happens. I need to know that I'm with that person because of strong intellectual and physical attraction, not just because I'm starved for cuddles. My ideal relationship, weird as it may be, would look a lot like the Underwoods in House of Cards. I don't mean the political scheming and occasional murder, I mean how they're intellectual equals and "partners in crime", so to speak, first and foremost.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?
Correct me if I'm wrong, it's about my "higher self", the more noble impulses and all that jazz, yeah? I guess it tells me that everyone deserves a shot at making themselves better, but no one will do the work for them. And that one of the most noble pursuits is to better oneself in every area of life. Not necessarily to be perfect at everything, there's no such thing, but at least to become a balanced human being.
Consider a time when you felt poorly about yourself--this means your ego (i.e. YOU) is receiving negative feedback from your superego. Write a conversation between the two of them--what is your superego telling you about how to be? (Note: this obviously is very personal and may be better done privately. Report your findings).
Superego: You've done all those great things in the past. Won competitions, learned a language, impressed everyone. What happened?
Ego: I just don't have the time now.
Superego: You have more time on your hands than you've ever had. You don't even have half the classes you used to when you won that trophy.
Ego: It was easier back then.
Superego: You were stronger back then. Now you're weak. You're making excuses. You know you can start right this second and turn things around. You know you can because you have.
Ego: What's the point though? I did all these things and yet here I am, doing nothing, being worthless.
Superego: You're only worth as much as you make of yourself. The bad news is, it's up to you. The good news is, it's up to you.
For the following, rank the issues in the order they apply and give a brief description of why and how you relate.
10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)
Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.
- to be accomplished and successful
- to be "okay", having it together
- to be powerful, strong, unassailable
- to be knowlegeable
- to be loving and benevolent
- to be a loveable person
- to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
- to strive to become/behave like a good person
- to be devoted and loyal to a person or cause
11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?
I've touched upon it in one of the previous questions. Now, I feel I've been treated unfairly by my parents, and my mother in particular. I feel like she has always blamed me for disrupting her studies (as you can tell, I was an accident). I feel she was vindictive and biased against me in favor of my little brother, a golden child who could do no wrong. I still remember the day I got home from school with an award for my poem and my mother dismissed that in favor of praising my brother for taking his first crap on the toilet. I just wanted to be appreciated for what I did, and never seemed to get the appreciation I thought I deserved, so in some areas I stopped trying altogether. I felt like I was just getting in the way when I tried. And whenever I did something wrong, my mother would sigh and say "that's just the way you are". It never felt right. That's why I was so happy when I found MBTI (not gonna name the type I got, I wanna keep it separate from my enneagram), because it confirmed what I had already believed. What my mother called my inherent flaws weren't flaws at all, it was just that I saw things differently from her, and that was okay. As for the common felt senses below... I have felt most of them to some degree.
Here are some common "felt senses" of life:
- I must do everything to maintain my world
- I have a sense of being unimportant, insignificant, and underving of attention
- I feel imperfect, not (good) enough
- I have been abandoned and I am inherently flawed
- I'm outside the natural unfoldment of things
- People have wronged and messed with me
- I feel isolated, cut off, and ultimately separate
- I have felt weak and/or vulnerable to attack
- I've had a sense of being rejectible
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.
Discuss which fears have played the greatest role in your life:
- Creating conflict by making myself or my needs too obvious
Not really, I don't shy away from conflict when I feel there's an issue that needs to be addressed.
- Rejection, being needy, and not being loved
I dread the idea of rejection, but rejection itself isn't too bad. It's like having your blood drawn at the doc's, the needle is scary at first, but it doesn't leave much of an impression on me when it's done.
- Weak and not being on top of things
I find it hard to admit weakness, true. Ideally, I like to be self-reliant, and I like to know precisely where I stand. Ambiguity or uncertainty makes me rather anxious.
- Failure
I plan for it when other people refuse to hear that it's an option. I actually get a bit of a kick out of damage control, especially if I get a little "I told you so" moment.
- Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost
Abandonment is a sad idea to entertain, and I'm not gonna pretend that it's not, but it's not the scaries thing to me. Being abandoned, sad or lost sometimes is just a natural part of life and is rarely permanent, most of the time you can pick yourself up.
- Entanglements and losing what I have
My most valuable possession is my knowledge and some skill. Losing material possessions is something I think about from time to time, and it doesn't terrify me. Losing my cognitive ability or health, on the other hand... very scary.
- Something is basically wrong with me--I'm not good enough
Let me answer with an example: when my psychiatrist suggested I might be on the autism spectrum, I freaked the f-ck out. Pardon my French. I just couldn't handle the idea that there could be something wrong with me that couldn't be "fixed", or solved neatly. Further evaluation revealed that I didn't nearly meet the diagnostic critera, but the fear was real. I also mentioned it a couple of times when talking about my mother, I think. To this day, when I say something mean or do something wrong I have flashes of my mother saying "well, that's just the way you are". Lazy, incompetent, what have you.
- Boredom, grunt work, and being exposed as a charlatan
I'm basically never bored because of this racing mind of mine, and mindless, grunt work makes for a great background activity for daydreaming while also being productive. Yay! I do fear being exposed as a charlatan though. I sometimes inflate my image to impress, and obviously the longer I try to keep up the illusion, the harder it gets. If that's what the question is about, anyway.
- A lot--everything and everyone to one degree or another. It's very generalized.
I do have mild anxiety, but few things really "mortify" me. As mentioned before, I'm always a bit on edge. A bit jumpy. People sometimes say I worry too much. That might stem from my attitude that you should always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Minimizes disappointment.
