Please answer. I need to know my cognitive functions. Please.

[BeyondTheGrey]

I'm going to strip now.

So, Ive been progressively deteriorating as a human being over the past few years or so, and Ive reached a state of profound nihilism.
Its not a very nice state to be in.

I hate talking about myself. Its not them, its me.
I am going to write in this format, where "I" is the beginning of my sentences.

Im like a trash can, people dump their feelings into me and I have to remove it.
I have social skills, Im not socially awkward, but yes, I dont give a damn about my looks.
I can make 'friends' easily.
In terms of socionics, IEI suites me, but Im having doubts now since it, like the mbti, doesn't talk about disintegration.

My father just labeled me, "selfish" and "self-centred", and asked me why I needed a logical reason to do something.
I once used to feel connected, but meh.
I stopped caring about others, not because it was natural.
I have a really acute sense of emotional awareness, and because of that,
I hate people.
Im either too sensitive, or Im looking beyond their actions.
I wasted my time caring for people who don't give a damn about me, especially in groups,
I focus on doing what I think is 'right' for the group, but they just chuck those ideas away, lazy shits.
I'm not confrontational, but Ive been observing this rather aggressive side in myself, which makes me want to lash out at everything.
When alone, I do not feel much, unless I'm involved in something emotional.
I've reached this stage of wanting to destroy everything I did, and others perception of myself.
I started by choosing the most comfortable path, loneliness.
However, I cannot stand being alone, without emotion, for long periods of time, I need some form of catharsis or an emotional connection of some sort.
I alway feel pressured to do something with my life. To find meaning and to find out my purpose, and use those to share and help others.
Unfortunately, Ive become obsessed with the meaninglessness of life.

I'm unaware if this has anything to do with having an ISTJ and INFP for parents etc.
My parents are religious, so//
If god is unknown, then we can say he lacks a form.
Whether he exists or not is up to our own beliefs, I guess.
There is no real answer, and apparently, I can't go on in life, confidently knowing there isn't an absolute truth in that sense.
So I visited a few 'places of worship'
Christians pray to jesus, Hindus pray to statues, Muslims pray to a book, Sikhs pray to a book, Buddhists, that was interesting.
BUT in all of them, people muddle things up with their own beliefs and it is rather stupid to me.
Its like they're okay with not bothering about the 'one way'.
In simpler words, Im lost, and I see all religion to be the same thing in different languages with translation errors throughout.
I question the need for society and all of its bullshit, like the lgbtq, something I find to be so stupid. Im not against the fact that you're sexually orientated in a different manner from myself, but I just don't see why anyone needs to know that, and why you base your identity on a social construct.

Moving on.

I get stuck in loops, where I question, Look beyond, find meaning, then my brain start working and destroys the purpose of it in my head, leaving me confused and lost.


I have a lot more to say, but I can't find the words for it yet.

 

[BeyondTheGrey]

Someone help identify my cognitive functions/

 

[Frosty]

You remind me of me. But really, that isnt uncommon.

Anyways, from this Ill give you INTP 6w5 or 5w6 I suppose- 9(or 9 could be first)- and then an image type. so/sp maybe. But I have only skimmed at this point.

 

[Mal12345]

INFP (FiNe), 5w4 at level 7 (The Isolated Nihilist). Your intuition and thinking are in conflict because intellectualization is one of your defense mechanisms and comes out as skepticism towards self and others. You are beginning to eat away at yourself from the inside, but this process began with an outer, social focus. To reverse this increasing nihilism you need to see others, and eventually yourself, in a different light, before you mentally and spiritually self-destruct.

 

[Galaxy Gazer]

Still going with INTP.

 

[BeyondTheGrey]

INFP (FiNe), 5w4 at level 7 (The Isolated Nihilist). Your intuition and thinking are in conflict because intellectualization is one of your defense mechanisms and comes out as skepticism towards self and others. You are beginning to eat away at yourself from the inside, but this process began with an outer, social focus. To reverse this increasing nihilism you need to see others, and eventually yourself, in a different light, before you mentally and spiritually self-destruct.

You got the 5w4 right. Did some reading on the enneagram. Sx/so or so/sx.
Thanks for clarifying that, though I have one question.
Why Fi?
I grew up with parents who had Fi, Like my father, is always going on about his principles and values and how he feels things should be based on his values, and my mother is Fi dom, so you know how it goes. I couldn't really agree or get along with them in that sense. I see nothing wrong in faking emotions, looking beyond myself, towards others and whateverthatsalreadyoutthere to do something.
In that sense I am unaware of my own feelings until they come in like a wave, in public, for example, I tend to be highly aware of others feelings, how polite I have to be etc, and when I'm alone, then I sort it out.
Fe vs fi, I seem more Fe like than Fi. I hate being a slave to my emotions. I just want to know what drove you to say Fi.
Heck maybe it is Fi.
All I know is that I try to find a pattern in my own experiences, and then morph my interpretation of it.
Internal patterns, so they seem abstract when I share them.
Worst part is, at this stage, no one seems to understand them.
I am literally on the verge of writing a conspiracy theory on how society is destroying the world and trying to get me to conform.
I don't care about conformity, I just don't wish to be a mindless, senseless being.
In that sense I seem superior when actually, I know somewhere deep down how beneath it all I am.
I just wish to disappear into my mind to sort out some abstractions and get my life back in order.
I'm pathetic.
I hate talking about myself

 

[Kheledon]

I would say, first and foremost, that you're probably an E and not an I.

introverts seem more likely to experience wholeness as individuals early in life. It may not be until later in life that they feel at peace with the outside world or with a romantic partner. We see the opposite phenomenon in extraverts, who, early on, seem geared to feel at peace or “at home” in the outside world or in the context of relationships. It may not be until later in life that they experience wholeness while alone.

Childish vs. Mature Love & Relationships

Introverts are born ready to be alone. They have to learn how to be comfortable with the world and with relationships. Extraverts are born ready for interaction with the world and other people. They have to learn how to be comfortable in their own skin and comfortable with who they are, alone. Your self-description sounds like that of an extravert to me, and that has to be established (one way or the other) before I could give you any useful comments about your likely functional stack.

 

[BeyondTheGrey]

I would say, first and foremost, that you're probably an E and not an I.



Introverts are born ready to be alone. They have to learn how to be comfortable with the world and with relationships. Extraverts are born ready for interaction with the world and other people. They have to learn how to be comfortable in their own skin and comfortable with who they are, alone. Your self-description sounds like that of an extravert to me, and that has to be established (one way or the other) before I could give you any useful comments about your likely functional stack.

I see your point. I had considered at some point that I might just be an ENFJ or ENTP of some sort, but honestly, I'm more ambiverted. I do seem extraverted when in social situations, but I prefer being alone. I prefer not having anything to do with anyone and just focusing on myself.
Its just that recently a few events have crushed my sense of being and forced me to move beyond myself. I considered ENFJ 4w3 for a while, but it just didn't feel right. In terms of my current state, I would say I'm rejecting the world and relationships. I swear my existence itself is a joke.
I was born unwanted, so that set in my mind as a kid and You could say I had a solitary childhood. Socially adept, yet, I prefer loneliness.

I'm not saying there isn't a chance of me being an extrovert, Im just saying the descriptions are rather blurry so It would be better for me to just list out consistencies in my life. I did mention loneliness in my OP, before I was in this state, I didn't feel lonely. Its just the intensity and overwhelming wave of repressed emotions that made me realise how insignificant I am, and when I start comparing myself with those around me, I envy them, in some way, and then I just discard my own feelings and choose to work on myself. To try and build confidence before actually participating in the real world. I have to someday, but starting early seems better.

Anyway, thank you for listing out another possibility, Ill look into it more.
what do you think I am?

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Accepting being a E is hard, especially if you were rejected as a child.

I relate to everything in your previous post....

 

[SearchingforPeace]

To elaborate, I was rejected from birth by my mother and my father is emotionally distant ISTJ 1w9. My mother never felt an attachment with me, and refuses to interact with me to this day almost 46 years later. My father largely refuses to talk with me, but will converse for hours with others. I get the unwanted thing.

My older brother was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive throughout childhood. And so I decided to make myself into a cold unemotional Spock like thinker, at least consciously. I tested as a ISTP in college.

The truth was I was the most social guy in most every situation. I chatted up coworkers daily, "making the rounds". In grad school, I organized social functions during dead days before finals. I connect to people instantly.

Do I like my alone time? Yes. Was I introverted at times? Yes. But the true actualized me is an extrovert.....

I was in a NiTi loop for decades.....

 

[Kheledon]

Accepting being a E is hard, especially if you were rejected as a child.

I relate to everything in your previous post....

Amen.

My mother died when I was 2. My father died when I was 5. I have a very hard time being alone. I need your standard actor/performer/ENFj time to relax, and I do like to be alone a lot because performing takes a lot of energy. It's exhausting, but the idea of being without a mate/life partner is abhorrent to me, and I am having a very hard time believing that "I will be O.K." without one. In other words, like a typical extravert, I am uncomfortable in my own skin and am terrified of loneliness. My particular history exacerbates this issue for me.

 

[Mal12345]

You got the 5w4 right. Did some reading on the enneagram. Sx/so or so/sx.
Thanks for clarifying that, though I have one question.
Why Fi?
I grew up with parents who had Fi, Like my father, is always going on about his principles and values and how he feels things should be based on his values, and my mother is Fi dom, so you know how it goes. I couldn't really agree or get along with them in that sense. I see nothing wrong in faking emotions, looking beyond myself, towards others and whateverthatsalreadyoutthere to do something.
In that sense I am unaware of my own feelings until they come in like a wave, in public, for example, I tend to be highly aware of others feelings, how polite I have to be etc, and when I'm alone, then I sort it out.
Fe vs fi, I seem more Fe like than Fi. I hate being a slave to my emotions. I just want to know what drove you to say Fi.
Heck maybe it is Fi.
All I know is that I try to find a pattern in my own experiences, and then morph my interpretation of it.
Internal patterns, so they seem abstract when I share them.
Worst part is, at this stage, no one seems to understand them.
I am literally on the verge of writing a conspiracy theory on how society is destroying the world and trying to get me to conform.
I don't care about conformity, I just don't wish to be a mindless, senseless being.
In that sense I seem superior when actually, I know somewhere deep down how beneath it all I am.
I just wish to disappear into my mind to sort out some abstractions and get my life back in order.
I'm pathetic.
I hate talking about myself

As an INTP I find myself agreeing with some of the ideas you expressed in the OP. So maybe TiNe is your function stacking: being criticized for being too logical could indicate Ti, although you also need emotional connection (Fi).

I'm more interested in the problems you've expressed. I've had about 3 decades to work on my INTP or 5w4 issues so I know all the things.

 

[Galaxy Gazer]

You got the 5w4 right. Did some reading on the enneagram. Sx/so or so/sx.
Thanks for clarifying that, though I have one question.
Why Fi?
I grew up with parents who had Fi, Like my father, is always going on about his principles and values and how he feels things should be based on his values, and my mother is Fi dom, so you know how it goes. I couldn't really agree or get along with them in that sense. I see nothing wrong in faking emotions, looking beyond myself, towards others and whateverthatsalreadyoutthere to do something.
In that sense I am unaware of my own feelings until they come in like a wave, in public, for example, I tend to be highly aware of others feelings, how polite I have to be etc, and when I'm alone, then I sort it out.
Fe vs fi, I seem more Fe like than Fi. I hate being a slave to my emotions. I just want to know what drove you to say Fi.
Heck maybe it is Fi.
All I know is that I try to find a pattern in my own experiences, and then morph my interpretation of it.
Internal patterns, so they seem abstract when I share them.
Worst part is, at this stage, no one seems to understand them.
I am literally on the verge of writing a conspiracy theory on how society is destroying the world and trying to get me to conform.
I don't care about conformity, I just don't wish to be a mindless, senseless being.
In that sense I seem superior when actually, I know somewhere deep down how beneath it all I am.
I just wish to disappear into my mind to sort out some abstractions and get my life back in order.
I'm pathetic.
I hate talking about myself

A lot of times NTs dislike Fi, so they associate it with things like depression, anxiety, instability, etc. When they see someone who is going through a lot, it's pretty common for them to label that person as an INFP. That's my guess as to why.

 

[Kullervo]

Well some people on this site, myself included, have mistyped when we were particularly depressed only to discover later that we were really just affected by our self-image at the time. As a rule, a Thinking type tends to masquerade as a bizarro Feeler when depressed. Feelers will do the inverse, shutting down and becoming rigid, nihilistic and spiteful.

So, the first thing I would tell you - and this is something that I have told a lot of people here - is to resist an urge to self-type if you feel down. Wait until you're in a mood where you can be fair to yourself.

 

[Mal12345]

Well some people on this site, myself included, have mistyped when we were particularly depressed only to discover later that we were really just affected by our self-image at the time. As a rule, a Thinking type tends to masquerade as a bizarro Feeler when depressed. Feelers will do the inverse, shutting down and becoming rigid, nihilistic and spiteful.

So, the first thing I would tell you - and this is something that I have told a lot of people here - is to resist an urge to self-type if you feel down. Wait until you're in a mood where you can be fair to yourself.

What's a "bizarro Feeler"?