Trouble with the INFP women family members in my life.

[Etrielle]

Both my sisters, two of my nieces, my mother-in-law and my aunt are all INFPs. My problem is their easy digression emotionally into manipulative reactions, like gossip and behind the scene sabotage of their chosen victims. What is it with them and passive aggressive sabotage?

For example, my sister decided her middle child was the hardest, so she has unconsciously taken revenge by never letting her middle daughter be anything but her version of her, which is sadly a poor one. My neice is an amazing person, and her younger sister is a brat, and my sister never even attempts to do anything but validate the younger INFP sister's awful behavior. It's like the INFP chooses a victim and then puts an insane amount of time and gossip into the chosen victim only being seen as the INFP sees them. It doesn't matter that the INFP's version is wrong. First of all, INFP's never think they are wrong. They hide behind their image of calm while vindictively sabotaging the person they are holding a grudge against. They twist situations and other people's motives until it is as far from reality as it gets, and yet the INFP holds on to the wrong belief with grim determination. What is that?

I feel like INFP's try and force their opinions on others about others, and they are often narrow minded rigid opinions. INFPs often seem irrational about a situation. For example, my INFP niece was told by her director that missing dress rehearsal and not calling was unfair to the group. Well, my INFP niece turned the situation around by being angry at the director. Why? Because she was only 16 and couldn't take that kind of pressure. What's worse? Mama INFP agreed and told the director she was wrong to say anything?!? Honestly, that makes zero sense to me. On top of that, if the middle niece had done the same thing she would have been grounded and further mentally abused by hearing what an irresponsible child she was...again. My INFP sister labeled her the bad one, so everything the middle niece does is seen through the mother's completely insane version of her middle daughter. It drives a lot of people in our family insane, but we haven't found a way to talk to the INFPs without them denying it and then being mad at the messanger.

The absolute denial of obvious logic and the costant twisting things to better suit their perspective is absolutely the most predictable INFP negative trait. Well, that and picking a victim and ruthlessly forcing them into their narrow and entirely wrong opinion of the chosen victim. I've seen every INFP in my life do it to someone close to them.

Has anyone ever found a way to help an INFP stop this destructive pattern? I see the INFP women in my life do it on the daily, but because of their tightly held belief they are always right, I have found it hard to try and break the cycle.

 

[Southern Kross]

What makes you think they're INFPs? Sorry but this doesn't sound anything like INFP behaviour.

When we're unhealthy or badly behaved it's usually in the form of withdrawal from the world, whining and wallowing in our own misery. It's rarely in the form of backstabbing and lashing out against others - we're just not that outwardly focused. We can be pushy about our opinions at times, but you're likely to find INFPs far more open-minded than any other type. I'm sure we certainly can get twisty with our logic and can be unpleasant to be around, but "ruthless"? "Vindictive"? LOL, no way.

I think you need to go back and learn a little more about MBTI. It doesn't help that your family seem very extreme - so much so it would be difficult to say that matches any type. What you're describing could be Fi inferior, because it would generally considered terrible usage of it. Dominant Fi doesn't tend to make those mistakes (they make a whole different set of mistakes). So maybe they're all unhealthy ExTJs? Or maybe it's just shitty use of Fe?

 

[Etrielle]

We all had the official Myers-Briggs test given to us by my aunt who is a psychologist, and my MIL took it online, which I know isn't as reliable as the official test the rest of us took, but it does fit from what I've seen.

They have great qualities too, don't get me wrong. My sister is so creative it's practically genius. My mother-in-law is always helping out with kids, very unselfishly. All of them can cook like you wouldn't believe, and sew. My INFP sister has also been there for me when I needed her. I could go on and on about their positives, especially since they have SO many. I just wanted answers on a way to handle this negative habit without them digressing into deniel. I also have seen how they treat criticism....I don't want to be the bad guy and the next victim simply by being the one to bring it up. That's my fear.

I'm uncomfortable not doing anything, partly because I often get taken aside or am witness to the "YOU KNOW how so and so is" and the whole time I'm thinking that I don't agree at all, but I don't dare say that.

I also doubt they are intentionally sabotaging, at least I hope not. It's only the INFPs, and the hardest thing about them is that they really, I mean REALLY can't see when they are wrong. It's not like denying you are wrong to save face, or to seem right, it's absolute blindness to their part in the damage. I think they believe themselves to be above that kind of behavior, so they are unwilling to accept the truth.

 

[Southern Kross]

Sorry, but I find that so hard to believe. It's not just that I don't want to see my own type negatively. The list of traits you gave, they're nowhere to be found for any INFP description - some are the complete opposite of a INFP description. If they are in fact INFPs, then this information precludes any meaningful advice, because there are no common type traits to be picked up on and explored for insights. I've had some pretty shitty INFP behaviour described to me and I've been able to put myself in their shoes and figure out, but this is totally alien to me.

 

[Etrielle]

Well, maybe there is someone else who has some advice. They are all INFP according to the test, and they all do this. I wouldn't waste my time asking if it wasn't the issue. It is becoming a very predictable pathway for their frustration, and it's harmful to the other members of the family that I love.

I appreciate your comments, but I am looking for advice on the problem and not advice on if I need to be schooled further on the Myers-Briggs types.

The problem is real, and I want advice on how to approach it without anyone getting hurt.

 

[Luke O]

Maybe the stereotype is wrong.

 

[Frosty]

Ok, I am just going to assume that what you say is true and all of those people in your family are INFPs because I don't know you or your family well enough to say that they arent. At the end of the day I do not belive that type is the issue.

I think the best way to approah the situation would be to first talk to the middle daughter and see how she feels about everything. If she is not superly negatively affected, then I would just leave it be and not get involved. Sometimes it is better to let a family work its problems out on its own.

That said, if the middle daughter is extremely upset by how she feels she is being treated by her mother, then I would talk to the mother. I am not sure if I would bring the middle daughter with me or not, because the situation is liable to become emotional, and everyone reacts to tears differently. If she cries it could either cause the mother to get defensive, or it could help her to understand what she is doing to her daughter.

Hmm, maybe I suppose the best way to have the conversation would be to sit the mother down and just start discussing the daughter. Tell her you think that she is a great kid, bring up good stories about things thay she did, and if the mother reacts negatively ask why. It is too hard to predict how individual conversations will go though, but I would say dont blame or shame but just try to understand where the mother is coming from. I am sure that subconciously the mother realizes what she is doing, maybe all that she needs is an open ear.

If that doesnt work, then just sit her down and tell her how she is making her daughter feel.

 

[robert666]

Well, maybe there is someone else who has some advice. They are all INFP according to the test, and they all do this. I wouldn't waste my time asking if it wasn't the issue. It is becoming a very predictable pathway for their frustration, and it's harmful to the other members of the family that I love.

I appreciate your comments, but I am looking for advice on the problem and not advice on if I need to be schooled further on the Myers-Briggs types.

The problem is real, and I want advice on how to approach it without anyone getting hurt.

Here is some advice:

If you truly believe that your niece is being victimized then you can certainly speak up about it. It can be done when the victimization is happening or you could sit down with her mom and have a little chat. You say that you want to approach it without anyone being hurt, but based on your posts, there is already plenty of hurt going around so bringing the issue out into the open isn't going to make it that much worse. This doesn't have to be done in a confrontational way, but as you being concerned about the welfare of your niece.

The only specific incident that you have mentioned in your post is the one with the director. The rest of it is your interpretation of what your sister is doing and also your interpretation of her motives. Even in the case of the incident with the director it's hard to say what's really going on without all the facts. I am only reading what you have posted, and I would not even know to what extent you are familiar with all the facts. My point is that all the information which you provided is your interpretation of what has been going on. Now you could be absolutely right, but you could also be absolutely wrong. You say that there are other family members who agree with you, have you discussed this with them in detail? Also, perhaps more importantly, you could try discussing this with other people who have observed the situation but are not directly involved, especially people who may not agree with your assessment. This could give you a different perspective on what is going on, or it could lead to you getting some better suggestions or support in terms of what to do, from people who can see the situation first hand.

I would also say that there is no need to focus personality types here. It does not help to look at this as an INFP problem. Maybe the people involved are INFPs and maybe not, but it simply isn't important, and can limit one's perspective when trying to understand what's going on. So for the purposes of this issue, forget that personality types exist. This is just a problem between you, your sister and your niece.

Now here's some more advice. The kind of advice that I think would be much more valuable, but it may not be the kind that you would like. Your sister could very well be favouring one daughter over another and yes that could be a problem. But there may be another problem here, one that is not so obvious. Your posts describe your relatives as vindictive, manipulative, in denial etc, and you seem to be absolutely certain that this is all completely true. What if maybe.... just maybe.... it isn't.... All of us have biases and beliefs that effect our perceptions, we see the world through our own lens, so it is quite possible that what you are seeing is being coloured by your perspective. So ask yourself what it is that really bothers you about the whole situation... then ask yourself why it bothers you... then ask yourself what it is that you are feeling... and so on....

 

[Showbread]

Yeah, this really doesn't sound like INFP behavior to me either. I have an INFP brother, grandmother, and I have had two INFP roommates. If there's one thing INFPs are not it's gossipy. In fact, they often get on my case for gossiping. I wouldn't call them emotionally manipulative, either. I also wouldn't call them vindictive... They can deny logic and twist situations, but that is by no means exclusive to INFPs. All types when unhealthy or extremely stressed can do this.

Everything you described sounds much more like Fe than Fi. Fi is usually pretty genuine. Could they possibly be xNFJs or ExFJs instead?

 

[ceecee]

Well, maybe there is someone else who has some advice. They are all INFP according to the test, and they all do this. I wouldn't waste my time asking if it wasn't the issue. It is becoming a very predictable pathway for their frustration, and it's harmful to the other members of the family that I love.

I appreciate your comments, but I am looking for advice on the problem and not advice on if I need to be schooled further on the Myers-Briggs types.

The problem is real, and I want advice on how to approach it without anyone getting hurt.

I'm sure the problem is totally real but this isn't the forum for these kinds of answers either. Maybe Support and Advice. Anyway, I agree, they don't sound like INFP's at all. I would say ISFJ's or INFJ's or even ENFJ's - manipulation is most definitely their jam. I can't tell you how to approach it without anyone getting hurt. I don't think it's even possible with that group of people.

 

[Eluded_One]

It's only the INFPs, and the hardest thing about them is that they really, I mean REALLY can't see when they are wrong. It's not like denying you are wrong to save face, or to seem right, it's absolute blindness to their part in the damage. I think they believe themselves to be above that kind of behavior, so they are unwilling to accept the truth.

You're making a point across to another party that goes against their beliefs, and it has it's usual consequence. It's easier for a person to let the other know that they're wrong than the other way around. You can't expect the other party to be wise and receptive when these qualities often manifest itself in pretension and words. Being wise is about making the right decision and not letting your ego get worked up when it doesn't need to, and knowing who's trying to help you and who's not beneficial. But that's only part of the puzzle.

 

[Etrielle]

Thank you Robert and Frosty. This is more what I was needing at the moment. Yes, the whole family talks about it and gets frustrated about it often. There are many other incidents, I just focused on a few to get a general picture. The INFPs on this forum seem offended by the word gossip, so maybe I should say talking about it where the individual being negatively discussed is not there to defend themselves would be another way to state the problem. Also, I appreciate you focusing on the problem, instead of on if the official Myers-Briggs test can be wrong. I took the official test and I never thought the result defined me. (Two points for fun if you guess which one I got) I'm sure it is often wrong, but that is another topic, and there are PLENTY of threads talking about that if they are interested. This isn't one of them.

My problem is seeing an injustice and feeling uncomfortable doing something about it. I gave a lot of thought to your questions. In part I am angry with myself for not standing up for the people I feel are seen in the unfair light, and instead only feeling safe discussing solutions with strangers on a forum. It's not that I don't realize I am a coward, I know it, and it bothers me. I don't want to be the next victim is the selfish reason I am a coward. Everyone is a mix of good and bad, but I feel once someone is labelled as bad by this group the person can barely do right by them. Many times I have seen my niece quietly crying, and she is just the one person I used as an example, there are many more. In the case of the director, my own kids were at the same rehearsal, and it was extremely irresponsible. The entire school was shocked by my sister's response. I saw both sides. My younger niece wanted to go to a party and decided the day of dress rehearsal to go and she also decided not calling or letting anyone know would be and should be fine. The director was not rude, only looking that she apologize for holding up a rehearsal of 200 other dancers. My sister never forgave the director for asking her daughter to take responsibility, but to be really blunt, it seemed an inability to accept responsibility.

I want my family to feel like a safe, happy, fair and connected group. My husband (INTJ) was very aggravated by this issue this very week, over a separate incident. My ENFJ sister-in-law asked my (INTP) brother-in-law to let her know when he planned to have his wedding so she could let her friend know, since she already was asked to be a bridesmaid. My INFP mother-in-law wrote a letter to her sister (type unknown to me) on FB, thinking it was private, about how selfish my sister-in-law (my very sweet SIL who my MIL has put on the do-no-right list I'm talking about) was to even ask him to let her know. Her exact words were "nothing will surprise me with her now, I feel sorry for her. It must be hard to be so selfish. How could she ask him to consider her friend over him" Clearly that was not what was going on, but don't tell my MIL that. Unfortunately, we all saw it, she accidentally posted it in a family group update. My MIL is hurt that my husband thinks what she said was terrible and completely unjust considering the situation. I agree, but I just stay quite. Also, I sort of feel that I can't see the point if my MIL sincerely can't she is wrong. Feels like wasting his energy and words. He points out that she is being irrational and illogical, and so she tells him that he just doesn't know how messed up our SIL is. Well, even if she is a psychopath, in this particular instance she is clearly not the one who is being messed up.

It bothers me because I can't stand anything being unfair. I know life is unfair, I hear that all the time, but unfairness REALLY bothers me. Not just in people on a micro level, but in the world. I also don't like feeling like an accomplice because I listen to the INFPs talk negatively about a person when I don't agree. That's the worst part, people talk to me, even people who don't normally confide. I usually listen objectively and with empathy, but when I hear negative things like that all I can do is do like you said and bring up the positives. The problem is that when I talk about the positives or try to say that they may be overreacting they act like I'm a poor naive little person. That's why I say self-righteous. I'm sure I may be wrong about some of them, but just because I think of these people in a good light does not make me naive. I feel patronized when I disagree.

Like I said, they are wonderful people too, but when they are in the thick of demonizing someone they are at their worst. This is a small part of who these people are, but a very destructive part.

The reason I was asking was because I have felt out of my depth with it. What is the point of knowing types if it isn't utilized to find a way to better communicate with a type you may not understand on an intrinsic level? That was my goal, to find a way to talk to them that didn't upset their value system or intrinsic ways, which are clearly very different from mine. Even if all of their official tests were wrong, there is something in their approach that is oddly similar, a way I don't see other people going about it. My usual reaction to stress is to suddenly be unavailable to the people who are victimizing, and suddenly be too busy to be around the heavy atmosphere. That makes me feel like a coward though. I simply hide and play good cop. Unfortunately, my reaction to stress is usually to avoid the people being stressful. Of course, what good does that do?

Thank you for making me ask hard questions of myself. Of course, I don't like facing that I'm a coward, but it's better to go forth with clarity.

 

[Etrielle]

Amendment to gossipy, instead how about saying negative things about a person when they are not there to defend themselves? INFPs never do this? Really? Well, I know a few INFP's that do it. Clearly all the INFPs on this site see this as an impossibility for their type. I guess my family's INFPs are just unicorns of the INFP world.

The INFPs I am writing about took the test, my whole family took the test while my aunt was getting her PHD. They got INFP, and yes, that many of them got it. There were also more INTP and INTJs then one would expect, but I didn't create the test, so I can't help your feeling on it being wrong or right. My family seems heavy on the INT and INF types. Interestingly enough, the E people in my family get the passive aggressive behaviour from the INFPs I am complaining about more often than the I types in the family. I'm an I, so maybe I will not be on the hit list if I speak to them.

 

[Etrielle]

Okay, I started looking up on different sites about the negative side to an INFP. There is a negative side to every type. Not one does not fit my issue and complaint:
Myers & Briggs • The Dark Side of INFP
The Dark Side of INFP

thestarsinmycupofcoffee:

The stereotype of infps, makes us sound too sweet and almost angelic. Being portrayed as the naïve, sensitive, kind, idealist, people never suspect that there is a dark side to infps too. They simply cannot seem to see this loveable creature vilified! However, we (infps) know that this cannot be as far from the truth as possible! All I need to say to explain an infps bad side is a quote from this amazing anon- “a great capacity to love also means a great capacity to cause pain”. So without further ado, here are our top 5 demons, laid out for analysis-

1 - Self absorbed: infps dominant function Fi (introverted feeling), can make them quite self absorbed. They get so caught up in the rich internal works of their own thoughts and feelings and ideas that they don’t consider others, or even pay attention to them. They can also think that they understand everything and that everybody else is out of touch, when in reality they could gain a lot from the different perspectives of others.

2 - Emotionally abusive: Infps don’t acknowledge their own passive aggressiveness or emotional manipulation. Since they feel so deeply, it makes it easier for them to understand others by observing and listening to them. But sometimes they use this capacity to observe wrongly and when they are angry, they use what they learn against them.

3 - Expectations: infps can put people up on pedestals and build them up in their heads, making them out to be something they never were in the first place. Then when the person doesn’t live up to their unrealistic expectations, they drop them without a word or even a chance to maintain the relationship.

4 - Melodrama: making a mountain out of a mole. Infps can be over sensitive jerks, making a big deal out of every little thing simply because they’re only able to feel even the most silly things very deeply. They can also be extremely pessimistic (contrary to popular belief) and drag down someone else’s mood when they are feeling low.

5- Avoidance of conflict: infps run away from their problems instead of facing them or even admitting that they exist. Because of this, they are also prone to leading people on because they don’t know how to reject them.

 

[PeaceBaby]

You come here to ask for help with INFPs in particular, yet you only acknowledge the advice that does NOT have any typological basis? Numerous people are questioning the results of the testing, and with decent grounds for doing so based on the behaviours you describe, yet you're not willing to reexamine that particular aspect of the framework you've created? If you want to sell us on them being INFPs. you'll have to provide more details than this, and without the prejudicial component of you being the only person who sees things "clear".

Of course INFPs have a dark side. No one here is saying otherwise. If you're interested to learn about that dark side, I can help you and so could others, but if you're going to insist on your framework, that these people are INFPs and there's no other type they could be, then I can't. If you want human advice in general, minus any typological framework, we could do that too - from that human framework.

I'm afraid though that the particular bad behaviours you're describing don't seem to mesh too well with the bad behaviours in the general population of INFPs. That's the essence of the issue with this thread. Also, it could be that your definitions of these behaviours are coming from your lens and this is causing a problem in translation. We would need time to suss this out.

Clearly all the INFPs on this site see this (gossip) as an impossibility for their type.

This is a classic INFJ spin, reading something into words that have not been spoken. No one has said this. INFPs gossip, sure. You do too. Your whole family does, by the sounds of it, talking about these INFPs behind their backs and complaining frequently. What is so different about what you are doing? The only difference is that you think you are in the right and therefore justified.

 

[Southern Kross]

Okay, I started looking up on different sites about the negative side to an INFP. There is a negative side to every type. Not one does not fit my issue and complaint:
Myers & Briggs • The Dark Side of INFP
The Dark Side of INFP

thestarsinmycupofcoffee:

The stereotype of infps, makes us sound too sweet and almost angelic. Being portrayed as the naïve, sensitive, kind, idealist, people never suspect that there is a dark side to infps too. They simply cannot seem to see this loveable creature vilified! However, we (infps) know that this cannot be as far from the truth as possible! All I need to say to explain an infps bad side is a quote from this amazing anon- “a great capacity to love also means a great capacity to cause pain”. So without further ado, here are our top 5 demons, laid out for analysis-

1 - Self absorbed: infps dominant function Fi (introverted feeling), can make them quite self absorbed. They get so caught up in the rich internal works of their own thoughts and feelings and ideas that they don’t consider others, or even pay attention to them. They can also think that they understand everything and that everybody else is out of touch, when in reality they could gain a lot from the different perspectives of others.

2 - Emotionally abusive: Infps don’t acknowledge their own passive aggressiveness or emotional manipulation. Since they feel so deeply, it makes it easier for them to understand others by observing and listening to them. But sometimes they use this capacity to observe wrongly and when they are angry, they use what they learn against them.

3 - Expectations: infps can put people up on pedestals and build them up in their heads, making them out to be something they never were in the first place. Then when the person doesn’t live up to their unrealistic expectations, they drop them without a word or even a chance to maintain the relationship.

4 - Melodrama: making a mountain out of a mole. Infps can be over sensitive jerks, making a big deal out of every little thing simply because they’re only able to feel even the most silly things very deeply. They can also be extremely pessimistic (contrary to popular belief) and drag down someone else’s mood when they are feeling low.

5- Avoidance of conflict: infps run away from their problems instead of facing them or even admitting that they exist. Because of this, they are also prone to leading people on because they don’t know how to reject them

.

I think you're looking at these faults in the wrong way. INFPs do these things but not in the way you have been describing with your family. It's less overt aggression, and more peevish, cold and distant. When INFPs are failing to recognize the feelings of others it doesn't typically manifest in an abusive manner - it's in being too self-absorbed to notice that their behaviour has an impact. It's done by retreating inward and cutting out others (and switching off empathy), rather than lashing outward - it's neglect and inattention, rather than active infliction of pain. That's not to say they get a free pass for failing to care. I just mean that we're not interested (or capable) of affecting others as FJs, nor are we as blunt and direct as TJs.

So, for example, with #3, it's NOT expectations like that of an abusive and controlling stage mother; it's actually rather unspoken. It's that friend that is 100% kind and loyal until you do something they don't approve of (morally), and they inexplicably go cold and stop calling or spending time with you. It's when the INFP (internally) over-idealizes their SO to the point that they're bound to disappoint and becomes disillusioned and loses interest.

I'm sorry for the derail, but I do want to reiterate that the reason I mention all this is that type is a useful tool for figuring out behaviour. You obviously think so too because you mentioned the type of these people in the first place. I just think that if we're going to do that, then INFP has to be taken off the table and another type has to be found, because it's inaccuracy is serving as a distraction. Either that or type should be left out of the discussion altogether.

I have to say, based on instinct and the fact I have trouble understanding your explanation of your family so I'm going to guess you're a INFJ. Ni explanations can be impenetrable for me and I find it hard to get a clear reading of the situation because of its prepackaged nature. It's like being handed a cake and then being asked to evaluate the issues with the wheat in the flour - but that's my problem. I guess I need more information. Can you give us an example of your family's behaviour in a more play by play manner rather than a highlights summary (eg. what was happening at the time, what sorts of things were said etc)? Preferably a situation you observed first hand?

 

[Eluded_One]

Okay, I started looking up on different sites about the negative side to an INFP. There is a negative side to every type. Not one does not fit my issue and complaint:
Myers & Briggs • The Dark Side of INFP
The Dark Side of INFP

There's already INFP's posting on this thread that are denying your family members as this type, and in their righteous indignation are redirecting the issues as INFJ qualities. This has been a trend in this forum for quite some time - since the beginning of it, I bet. It goes particularly for the INFP's who decided not to accept their dark side, and to those that question their type repeatedly because they don't fit in with the rest of the group. I don't fit it, but that doesn't make me lesser of an INFP. In all accounts, it makes me even more so, as INFP's are all about not fitting in, and that includes being with their own.

As I see it, this is exactly the duality that makes INFP's greatest strength and fall: the ability to not ground themselves by admitting their faults. Acting like your better than others, self-righteousness or not, consciously or not, can at times defuse many problems that can be brought to the table. Of course, everything comes with a cost.

Most people overlook to see INFP [stereotypical] qualities as paralleling to submissiveness, that is where they begin with the wrong footing, and why INFP's elude most people, even among themselves. We are not free from gossip. We are not free from malediction. We are the misfits of misfits of society.

 

[Destiny]

Both my sisters, two of my nieces, my mother-in-law and my aunt are all INFPs. My problem is their easy digression emotionally into manipulative reactions, like gossip and behind the scene sabotage of their chosen victims. What is it with them and passive aggressive sabotage?

For example, my sister decided her middle child was the hardest, so she has unconsciously taken revenge by never letting her middle daughter be anything but her version of her, which is sadly a poor one. My neice is an amazing person, and her younger sister is a brat, and my sister never even attempts to do anything but validate the younger INFP sister's awful behavior. It's like the INFP chooses a victim and then puts an insane amount of time and gossip into the chosen victim only being seen as the INFP sees them. It doesn't matter that the INFP's version is wrong. First of all, INFP's never think they are wrong. They hide behind their image of calm while vindictively sabotaging the person they are holding a grudge against. They twist situations and other people's motives until it is as far from reality as it gets, and yet the INFP holds on to the wrong belief with grim determination. What is that?

I feel like INFP's try and force their opinions on others about others, and they are often narrow minded rigid opinions. INFPs often seem irrational about a situation. For example, my INFP niece was told by her director that missing dress rehearsal and not calling was unfair to the group. Well, my INFP niece turned the situation around by being angry at the director. Why? Because she was only 16 and couldn't take that kind of pressure. What's worse? Mama INFP agreed and told the director she was wrong to say anything?!? Honestly, that makes zero sense to me. On top of that, if the middle niece had done the same thing she would have been grounded and further mentally abused by hearing what an irresponsible child she was...again. My INFP sister labeled her the bad one, so everything the middle niece does is seen through the mother's completely insane version of her middle daughter. It drives a lot of people in our family insane, but we haven't found a way to talk to the INFPs without them denying it and then being mad at the messanger.

The absolute denial of obvious logic and the costant twisting things to better suit their perspective is absolutely the most predictable INFP negative trait. Well, that and picking a victim and ruthlessly forcing them into their narrow and entirely wrong opinion of the chosen victim. I've seen every INFP in my life do it to someone close to them.

Has anyone ever found a way to help an INFP stop this destructive pattern? I see the INFP women in my life do it on the daily, but because of their tightly held belief they are always right, I have found it hard to try and break the cycle.

I don't think they are INFPs...

 

[Riva]

Have to agree with others. The descriptions don't sound very INFPish to me. Infact not even close.

 

[PeaceBaby]

There's already INFP's posting on this thread that are denying your family members as this type, and in their righteous indignation are redirecting the issues as INFJ qualities. This has been a trend in this forum for quite some time - since the beginning of it, I bet. It goes particularly for the INFP's who decided not to accept their dark side, and to those that question their type repeatedly because they don't fit in with the rest of the group. I don't fit it, but that doesn't make me lesser of an INFP. In all accounts, it makes me even more so, as INFP's are all about not fitting in, and that includes being with their own.

As I see it, this is exactly the duality that makes INFP's greatest strength and fall: the ability to not ground themselves by admitting their faults. Acting like your better than others, self-righteousness or not, consciously or not, can at times defuse many problems that can be brought to the table. Of course, everything comes with a cost.

Most people overlook to see INFP [stereotypical] qualities as paralleling to submissiveness, that is where they begin with the wrong footing, and why INFP's elude most people, even among themselves. We are not free from gossip. We are not free from malediction. We are the misfits of misfits of society.

You're simply laying out a couple of red herrings here.

The issue that gets my attention first is the appeal to authority. It's fallacious to claim that they all must be INFP because they were tested by the aunt who is now a PhD. If there were better evidence that they were INFP through a discussion of bad behaviours more typical to the type, I would be inclined to more quickly accept the claim. It's not denial of my bad side that leads me to question type here. It's the evidence I've amassed over many years watching INFPs in action, including myself.

I've acknowledged too that language could be a barrier, in that we're just not identifying with the particular words being used. It would be a good talking point there.

However, in taking discussion of type (that particular point) off of the table, any subsequent discussions must now exclude that as information. What you're left with is conclusions of family dysfunction viewed through a singular lens. What else is there to say? The problems have already been "identified" and the action to take in such a situation is pretty obvious if we accept that as the whole truth. The seeds to that "preferred" action have already been planted and the OP can thus select the information that best validates what they already believe "must" be done.