Hey Guys, I'd posted a couple of threads on TC before, but they really did not help me much, so I've decided I'll take one last shot at asking you wonderful, people here to help me determine my type. I'll post a little about myself and if you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them. Here goes:
I am currently struggling with what life means and what i want to do with my life. I get anxious when people ask me what I want to do in life because I don’t have a fixed goal. I really have never had a fixed long term goal in my life – ever. I am not ambitious or materialistic. I don't care about money or expensive clothes and cars at all. The reason why I probably struggle with what I want to do is because I really can imagine my life going in so many different directions and I have this crazy belief that everything is going to end happily. I also cannot settle on one career path and I try to hide this fact from other people by putting up a façade in public.
I am in my head a lot, I find it tiresome to have to deal with doing more and more in the external world. I need to build a resume, get a job, go to clubs, etc. While I can do excellent on the job, and people applaud the work I do, I find it boring and tiresome and annoying. It's kind of like this: While I have to do my work, I put on this mask in which I am a hardworking, diligient, and quiet. After the hours are done, and I go home, I don't really want to deal with anything work or external world related. I just want to eat, sleep, make art, read or write. I cannot stand having to keep doing more and more in order to support the perception of "hardworking, diligent, and quiet person" I give to other people. To others I might just be another perfect student, employee, daughter, etc. I do a really good job at manipulating other people's perceptions of me.
I am a strong feminist and left wing centrist, and that is practically irrefutable. I am quite open-minded. I am a romantic. I never want to get married or have kids. (and I am extremely sure of that!)I am very moody – or at least that’s what people tell me. My moods changes with the wind…I can go from blissfully calm in the morning, to sad at noon, to happy in the afternoon, and annoyed at night. Often this makes me erratic and whimsical. So yeah, I am often capricious. Sometimes I don't even know why I feel a certain way... I don't understand my own emotions in that sense. You could ask me "How are you feeling?" and I wouldn't know how to respond because I can't really express it, in that manner...
In real life, I hide behind this façade, this mask, that tells everyone I have got my life together when really I am this big ball of indecision and laziness. I unconsciously alter my personality to match the surroundings I am in. So to one person I can seem illogical and scatterbrained and to another person I can seem smart and decisive. This constant push and pull between the façade I show and the person I really am bothers me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering whether I have lost parts of myself in my façade.