Have filled out too many questionnaires in the past to be bothered to do it again, but I decided to type up some things I've noticed of myself.
Warning: Long-ass post.
- I quite enjoy intimacy, or rather the idea of it—haven’t sorted out the confusion yet. Whatever it is, I desire companionship. At the moment, I wouldn’t say I’ve got anyone. If you asked me a few months ago, I’d say yes. Unfortunately we have grown apart, and as tactless as this may sound, I haven’t found a substitute. I have people that I spend time with, fucking around and doing whatever, but that’s far as I usually go. Being able to be intimate with someone, to give and receive, to understand and be understood—all are attractive to me. Does this make me any less independent? Probably.
- For the most part, people fascinate and intrigue me. There are people that read as easy as a children’s book and there are people that might as well speak in cyphers. Either way, they interest me, and I cannot imagine the thought of thinking of the world and the only thing coming to mind is a little bubble comprised only of me and maybe the puzzle pieces of the people I’ve met in the past. It may not terrify me or haunt me, but it’s certainly a possibility that I abhor. I might not love every person that I meet, but figuring out and understanding people certainly gives me some strange enjoyment. Finding that I enjoy someone’s company is just a plus (usually a big one, since I’m a bit particular whoops).
- I’m pretty quiet. Maybe a little shy, but mostly just quiet. If I’m not really that close to the person, I usually just give a small half-smile and a nod to whatever they say, and if I must speak, it’s only to be polite and I don’t say much even if I have something interesting to say. I mostly keep those thoughts to myself. The only way to motivate myself to say anything to people apart of that category is to get into the habit of converting to “fuck it” mode. In the past, even if I thought to myself “fuck it,” I would catch myself and then proceed with the usual process of overanalyzing everything. Recently, this hasn’t been the case much, which is both useful and strange. Going by instinct, impulse, whatever you wanna call it has become more of a habit for me though I’m not sure if it’s just something I’ve repressed for a while and it’s coming out of hiding now or something I’ve just taken on for the use of not being boring as hell.
- My sense of humor is generally pretty sarcastic, usually dark.
- Unexpected social interaction (not just small talk with a stranger, but a full conversation) sends me into panic mode. Don’t know if it’s the social aspect or the unexpectedness or something entirely different that sets me off, but my hands just start trembling and the words don’t glide out of my mouth as usual. Instead they more or less erupt outwards and then stumble down several flights of stairs. My brain, though, appears pretty calm. No idea if that’s just me trying to repress any possible “weak” emotion, but during these events I just find that my brain is watching myself fuck up tremendously while cackling at lack of control.
- Sometimes I say things for the sake of saying them, even if I don’t mean it (which is the majority of the time). If whatever you say provides me the perfect opportunity to insult you, I’m going to insult you. Of course, if it’s you I’m talking to, you will know I don’t mean it. Hopefully. Occasionally, I find that the person has no idea I’m just trying to start some stupid banter and gets offended. Then follows the longwinded explanation of my sense of humor. Thank God for my ISTP friend’s existence.
On the topic of banter, I love it. Flirting, teasing, whatever it is, I love it and I do it a lot with people that I don’t know all too well but intrigue me in a good way. Sometimes, it’s part of “the chase”—another thing I enjoy doing. Pursuing people for romantic or even just platonic reasons gives me a thrill (though I can’t elaborate much on this since there hasn’t been anything recent much ).
- When I speak, I have a filter. If I didn’t, I’m pretty sure my slap count would be far beyond 100 at this point. The way my thoughts formulate in my head are written in a very direct language that somehow screams massively arrogant asshole. It’s a language that I (and maybe a very select few, at least from those I have met)) understand. The thoughts themselves often aren’t ever malicious or demeaning, it’s only that everything about my phrasing and wording is absolutely wrong. With a filter, I’ve limited myself to maybe around 4 maybe-slap counts, 5 if you count that time I was hit with an orange peel.
- When I am nervous, though, my brain combusts. In normal situations, I have filter at normal mode. In non-normal situations, my filter goes to two extremes—no filter and extreme filter. With no filter, I might as well be Nick Dunne* because wow. So many goddamn inappropriately timed comments. Along with that, without a filter, I’m just vomiting up all my raw thoughts, all without editing or revising. Not a good thing. When it’s not on off mode, my filter is at extreme mode which means I’ll be thinking of a way to respond and then thinking about all the possible reactions to my response and then I’m thinking about how many ways this could go wrong and then I’m thinking about every single thing I could possibly say and the possible events that could ensue and what reaction I want to draw. By the time I’m done overanalyzing everything, I’ve either missed the chance to say anything or I’ve scared myself into remaining completely silent.
*If you’ve ever read Gone Girls, I can relate painfully so to Nick Dunne in that when it comes to bad situations, I cannot for the life of me find the right thing to say. I’d like to think that I have more self-control than to smile at strange times like that, but that’s only probably because I rarely smile fully (mostly just smirks or half-smiles). I do have a habit of feeling obligated to make a person feel comfortable even if I know that making an effort to isn’t all that important. I pay a lot of attention to people’s facial and hand gestures and can tell when they feel uncomfortable. If I don’t hate them, I’ll offer them a half-smile or a nod so they know I give a crap. If I dislike/hate them, I will not care. Sometimes, it becomes so much of a habit that I become uncomfortable if someone I know doesn’t act similarly (eg. salesperson greets friend and me, friend doesn’t hear or notice and keeps walking, feel immediate guilt and must say hi back to salesperson for friend).
- I repress a lot of what I feel. Has always been a subconscious thing for me, but I’ve only recently sought to find that moment of emotion and that space between feeling and repressing. Most recently, I relied on a friend to do me a favor with this one assignment. I had a feeling something not particularly good was coming, but hoped that I was wrong. Well, I wasn’t, and she delivered the bad news that she could not deliver and pretty much last-minute. As she was explaining in a really roundabout way, I knew I was going to be pissed beyond belief, and I felt that surge of absolute fury rise up and then just poof, gone. It’s pretty recent, so I don’t know if repressing that anger will result in anything like an explosion—hopefully not. Just a habit that I took note of recently.
- I’m a bit of a homebody, or at least in comparison to the people I know (many of which are extroverts), so I don’t mind staying in just on my laptop all day. However, if I’m locked up in my home without going out for more than two days I develop an overwhelming urge to get out, even if it’s just a quick run to CVS or something. I can’t stand being home for more than that amount of time. I’m not completely certain on why but I figure it’s my need for a change of surroundings.
- I like taking the lead and would much rather prefer the leader to be me, just because I trust myself more. I don’t shy away from it and pretty much enjoy it. But I’m not going to be a pushy douchecanoe about it, so if I know for a fact that someone is more suitable for being leader, I’ll hand the job over.
- I usually think before speaking, and if it’s something I’m going to say in front of a large group of people (eg. in a classroom discussion), it’s going to be very thought out. By very thought out, I mean with the phrasing and wording and tone all planned out. This is why I barely speak in class.
When it comes to speaking with people in small groups, I’ve trained myself to adhere to whatever I know the person/people like. I can usually tell what people like, in terms of the humor they enjoy and take part in and anything else they find more compatible. Sometimes, this takes me a few goes to get right, but once I know how to appeal, I’ll do it.
With the environment I’m currently in, the people I’m surrounded by are mostly introverts. For some reason or another, I feel (subconsciously) obligated to complement them by being more extroverted, more impulsive and instinctual. Another habit that I’ve noticed myself doing but not actively choosing to do so.
- I put a worrying amount of care and effort into my appearance (by this, I mean clothing and not reputation).
- Conflict is not an issue for me. No problem with confronting it or telling you to fuck off if you’re really bothering me. Then again, it takes a lot to get me really revved up and by then I could probably also throw a few swings at you. Or at least want to.
Still, people that are tactless on purpose irk me. I make an effort to watch what I say as to avoid making enemies and then causing unnecessary problems for myself. Basically, when I see people being tactless and thinking they’re “special” for being so blunt and direct, it translates to my brain like this: tactless and prideful person = complete idiot. Why make enemies and make your life any harder? Where is the logic in that? I’m aware that some people are just naturally direct or have an issue finding the right words so I don’t mind them, but people who take pride in their lack of tact irritate me to no end. (that probably sounds like a rant. Because it was. Im sorry.)
- I’m not all that great at paying attention to details. Sometimes, that’s great because focusing on details only slows you down, and sometimes it’s terrible because it can make me a little inattentive. (eg. that time I was doing some artwork with several others in a classroom, stepped out to do whatever, came back with all of them laughing their asses off, took me about a good fifteen minutes to notice all of the small writing on my artwork which of course only added to my humiliation thanks guys, and then another time when I was doing some more artwork with a very very very very detailed person and kind of butted heads because I’m fairly certain I came off as careless while she came off far too strict about these things we’re also artists of different things she’s far more realistic than I will ever be and I’m very very stylized/abstract can’t remember any other examples at the moment).
- Never really feel a surge of energy when interacting with people, and don’t feel a surge of energy being alone. Pretty neutral on that stance.
- Under stress, I don’t pay any attention to bodily needs (eg. drinking water, eating, sleeping). My task is the only thing on my mind.