Since when I got into psychology and got to know my real potential, doing research and trying those psychology tests, I've been scoring as an INTJ. However, it might as well be that I "adjusted" myself to the INTJ style because I realized on my own that it was the most rationally and easy(for me) way to deal with life. I'll describe my past self who didn't know anything about psychology and who was more natural and carefree, in the hope of getting an unbiased picture of my subconscious:
My parents made me believe that this world was good and welcoming, everything looked nice and I saw the positive side of everything. I was naive. When I was a kid I was always playing on my own with building blocks (legos), was fascinated by fantasy, I held people to high standards (for example, I thought my teachers knew everything, that adults never made mistakes and that doctors were entitled to heal anything) and was very calm and peaceful. If other kids wanted to play with my stuff I'd let them because it wasn't a big deal for me and it was a very irrelevant "price" to pay to maintain "peace". I was generous, always ready to lend a hand and I never saw a problem with it because it was effortless for me (I was smarter than others for my age). I didn't really understand how all the social "stuff" worked; I thought everyone was good like me and so I couldn't understand why they'd act selfish or only try to profit from one other. I was naive.
In middle school I was occasionally being made fun of and I didn't even realize it because I totally ignored the social context. I remember that once I got closed in the bathroom by some random dude; I was even able to slam down the door (from the outsider's pov, it must have been a funny scene lol) and when I got out, he spit on me and ran away. I don't know why at the time I took it as a very bad offense, but I went to the teacher crying for it (don't know if you can classify it as crying, but wet eyes and trembling voice are enough for me to classify it as such). It was the last time I "cried".
When in high school I was made fun of by two guys. I was more "resistant" to this kind of attacks, and I'd still refrain from fighting back by using humor as defense. If I got insulted, I'd use humor on myself to shrug it off. Even when hit, I pretended not to feel anything and therefore didn't hit back, shrugging it off (well, I was big and I actually didn't get hurt at all, but I guess the jest itself was a very bad form of disrespect and now I think I should have reacted just to protect my honor). During exams they'd still ask me for help because they were dumb. Eventually I graduated from that shit hole.
When I entered university, I finally ceased to encounter any other dickfaces. I started meeting more mature guys with who I could properly study and share my interests. I respected them and they respected me back. In this period I started changing a bit; I realized that I couldn't keep getting stepped on by randoms and that there are too many assholes lurking around. I decided that I wouldn't have been so generous and available like back then. I became colder, I became more self-centered and egoistical. I started minding exclusively my own business, becoming less accomodating and considerate. I started studying myself, discovering my true potential and striving to make the world my own. I've been very successful accademically-wise; professors praised me a lot and I realized how much smarter than my colleagues I was. I graduated very quickly and was suggested to go studying in another town for my master degree since they knew it was better there (I study chemistry). I'm currently finishing my last year, splendidly.
In the first period of university I tried to understand whether there was something wrong with me back then. I rarely hanged out and was often called asocial (not that it bothered me), and I also felt a bit awkward when there were funerals or some disaster happened and I couldn't show emotion (My reasoning behind this was: I acknowledge that it's sad when a loved one parts ways with us, but what's the point in crying and despairing over it? It won't make them come back, we can't help the situation at all and in the end we have to carry on anyways, so why not start getting over it immediatly? Why not skip this step alltogether and get over it quickly? And this was why you would never see me sad or crying at a funeral), therefore making me seem cold or an asshole who didn't understand a shit. I actually understood even more than those hypocrites and fuckfaces, I just didn't find it logical to cry and scream at god like they did, since it wasn't beneficial to anyone, and so I didn't show it and stood with my head up high.
In that period I came to know of personality disorders (Reading the schizoid personality was like reading my biography) and later discovered of MBTI and all the other tests. In my first test I scored INTJ and kept scoring INTJ since then, occasionally getting INTP (My J/P were always close, like 52-48). Both description applied to me to a very good extent. Discovering my type helped me a lot in seeing what were my true strong points and taking a big advantage of them (learning I was a Ni dominant helped me to focus on my studying style and accelerate studies by A LOT: if before I needed 2 weeks to study for an exam, now 3-4 days are enough to absorb anything and indefinitely).
Lately I've started investigating the cognitive functions to narrow down what my true type was and I found out that INTJs have Ni Te Fi Se while INTPs have Ti Ne Si Fe. What I know is that I have a very high Ni and Ti and a very bad Se (I'm a shit observer; I look around myself but I miss on so many details. I recently realized the existence of some painting in my house... after 19 years...). I'm most certainly a Ni dom with a very high Ti; I can safely say that my Ti is more pronounced than my Te, therefore making me always dance on the J/P line. Recently I've also found out that INFJs with an underdeveloped Fe can enter the so called Ni - Ti loop, therefore justifying my function stacks, even though it really seems weird to be typed as an F (Tests show a strong preference for T: 90-100%).
So, what am I? Am I truly an INTJ? Am I an INTP? Or perhaps I am an INFJ whose Fe got assassinated and who's been relying on his Ti since ever? I want to know who I am. (Here's one of my P traits of brainstorming over all the possibilities and at the same time my J need of closure and narrowing down)
Oh right, if it can help, on Enneagram I either score 5w4 or 4w5.
If you want to know exactly how I am P and J, let me know. I already tried to shrink this textwall :<
Forgot to add that I utterly despise my old naive self and I'm in love with my reborn version of myself. It was very hard to get over the embarrassment of describing that naive bag of garbage I was. I just want to know what type that "kid" was and if it is possible to easily and effortlessly play the role of an INTJ, in case I wasn't one.