I've been through a major depressive episode and i seem be struggling through an identity crisis. Help needed. Im not too keen on exposing myself but its necessary in this case. Ive taken the enneagram test more that once, i usually end up with either a 4w5 or a 5w4. How do i know which is my core type? MBTI tests, apparently i tend to fall under intj or infj. Ive narrowed down my type to these two possible types.
Due to my knowledge on the enneagram and Jungs tests, i highly doubt that taking another test will help. I feel as though i know too much.
i have a lot of suppressed memories and according to my housemates, as a kid, i was quiet. withdrawn, imaginative. I would say i was more 4ish. I felt a lot, but never expressed it. It was constantly suppressed. As i grew into my teenage years i seemed very 5ish. I used my head a lot more, i gathered as much knowledge as i could about things i find to be beautiful. I was never an A student but i can be if i want to, there just isn't any beauty in studies. My teenage years was full of ups and downs, basically i seemed very sevenish except for the part on thinking ahead. I never liked thinking ahead. Then there were months of isolation. where i did literally nothing more than thinking. I would say I'm conceptual but i have a hard time dealing with emotions. I was a scartist as a kid. A mix breed. i loved science and art fascinated me. i do not know which came first though. My sense of self is really unstable. Im prone to depressive episodes. I seem to be disconnected and detached at times.
Right now i feel like an artist without the ability to express myself. I am unable to express strong feelings. I use my head a lot. i fit into the type 4s except for the fact that I'm not so focused on success (not a 3 wing at all) and i don't really seem to hate myself. Ive questioned my existence, asking myself on how my existence mattered if i couldn't be seen for who i was. I often feel that people can't seem to understand me, they just don't.. i have inner worlds that i do not wish to speak of simply because its personal. I do long, yearn. not much for a rescurer bit for someone to see me for who i am and to be there with me. I tend to be on the lookout for someone that doesn't seem to exist. It is rather depressing. Im more of a loner, but i can be sociable. I just don't like to. So based on the above, could someone please explain my core type to me? I hope its clear enough.