ENTP Enneagram 1 or 9? Input from both 1 and 9 would be lovely

[levinlady]

I can't figure out if I'm a 9w1 or a 1w9 with a very heavy 9 wing.

I do know that I internalize stress in my body, and it stems from resentment, but half of the time I'm always questioning if I should or shouldn't express myself. I mean if I don't like something I say it and why, but I tend to hold back a lot of anger. Mostly because I'm always questioning if what I'm doing is the right or wrong thing in my mind, in relation with how I think chains of events in my external world should be. I mean I'm so quick to start becoming resentful about my expectations from other people, especially when I'm usually always crystal clear about what I want and need (and ask what the other person may need from me). But then the resentment starts building I start feeling physical symptoms in my body, I'll literally start getting sick because I don't constructively deal with the anger.

Plus whenever I do end up having a blow-up with people, it's like getting stabbed by swords that start flying from my mouth. I will think in my mind it was reasonable because I had already told the person exactly what I mean, and at that point I felt like they were stomping my actions (that's just the kind of person I am, I don't really beat around the bush when it comes to what I mean). Then I feel awful and go in to this state of withdrawal for a long time being hard on myself, like why did I express that?

Thing is though I've always been more and more confrontational, saying exactly what I mean and living by what I think is right, but mostly for myself. I've developed depression in the past because I would always put everyone else first and shove aside my interests because I was young and wanted friends and to be liked... I don't really care about that anymore, I noticed if I stop pleasing people they won't stick around, and I noticed often the effort doesn't come back to my end. I'm almost 30 and in my mind, either you make the effort to be my friend or not, and if you don't it's no skin off my back, I'm busy too, and I'd rather spend time alone than with the wrong company.

I just really have a hard time with myself after I've hit the point, swords start flying from my mouth... The only plus side to it is all of my energy levels come back and I have a clear head because I was being honest with myself.

I also have issues with withdrawing for a long time because I'd rather be alone than not be around the right company. But I wouldn't ever say I'm sad at that point so to say, more or less I can keep my own mind and self happy/entertained.

I am also very open-minded and I love hearing about other people's perspectives... I genuinely don't impose on other people... The only time I start getting a bit uppity about what I think is right is if I'm pulled in to a project or circle of friends where I'm required to function with them. Like at work if my co-worker starts slacking, I used to try to understand where he was coming from with his logic behind his actions, as often it resonated with my own business ideals (at least the hard logic aspects to business), but once the actions repeatedly started affecting other people's work ethic I would start speaking up for everyone. Mostly because his work ethic alienated other people's work ethic as if it really had no place at all. That really pushed my buttons.

But then I also get stuff like... You are so mellow and easy to be around, you have this calming effect on people, it's surreal. I'm not actively trying to be like that is the thing, but apparently my presence puts people at ease.

Feedback from both 9's and 1's would be greatly appreciated

 

[small.wonder]

[MENTION=23054]levinlady[/MENTION] The best way to tell (core/wing situations like this are always a tough call) is by looking at the integration and disintegration points of both 1 and 9 and seeing which has been more prevalent in seasons of health/unhealth in your life.

1 becomes joyful and less rigid in health (integrating to 7), but under stress become emotionally volatile, sullen and can become depressed (disintegrating to 4).

9 becomes focused and motivated towards action when healthy (integrating to 3), but can become skeptical, anxious and reactive when under stress (disintegrating to 6).

Hope that helps!

 

[levinlady]

[MENTION=23054]levinlady[/MENTION] The best way to tell (core/wing situations like this are always a tough call) is by looking at the integration and disintegration points of both 1 and 9 and seeing which has been more prevalent in seasons of health/unhealth in your life.

1 becomes joyful and less rigid in health (integrating to 7), but under stress become emotionally volatile, sullen and can become depressed (disintegrating to 4).

9 becomes focused and motivated towards action when healthy (integrating to 3), but can become skeptical, anxious and reactive when under stress (disintegrating to 6).

Hope that helps!

It helps a lot, thank you so much

When I reflect back in the pages of my life... I remember when I was at my best, being compared to a 7. Mostly because I was at such a good point I allowed myself to radiate joy, silliness, and enthusiasm. A friend had thought I was a 7 at one point because he had met me during some of the better periods of my life. When stressed I find myself obsessing over video game characters and finding ways in which I can relate to them, then explaining to people. Does that sound like a 4 trait to you? I'm unsure because I don't know very much about 4's...

edit: I have also cosplayed during stressful times of my life as a way to express myself.