etype of my ESFP husband?

[brainheart]

He's been a tough one for me to figure out. I used to think 6w7 or 7w6 (already ruled out 7w6) but now I'm leaning more toward the 3w2/2w3 axis. He really cares what people think of him- the people who matter to him, anyway. I'm realizing more and more that love and admiration and achieving his 'personal best' are what motivate him to accomplish things.

Qualities he possesses that might be relevant:

- He is a nonstop doer. He always has a list of goals and he always achieves them. (And I mean always.) If he thinks he's slacking in any way he apologizes and beats himself up for it. He got seriously ill a few years ago and couldn't do all of his things and got really depressed about it. If he's not accomplishing things he feels like a failure.

- He is charming. Most people like him. It doesn't seem like he's trying, though. He's just a likable person. He can walk into a store and make jokes and chat with people and people eat it up. He really seems to know how to say the right thing to the right person in order for them to like him. I don't think it's conscious, it's just something he does naturally. For this reason, a wide range of people like him. Interestingly, though, he complains about 'people-pleasers'. He hates it when people show off and brag and kiss ass.

- He mentioned something to me the other day about how it might be ok to quit something he's been doing for a long time because he 'proved' that he could do it. I asked him to clarify and he got a little embarrassed about it and downplayed what he said.

- He is super emotional. He cries... a lot. Usually it's a positive sort of crying, though- crying because something or someone makes him feel really good and happy. He's always telling me and our kids how much he loves us. He's demonstrative of his feelings with his friends, too. However, if he is in a more restrained business situation or in a situation where he is out of his element, he will seem emotionally reserved and focus on competency/efficiency.

-Competency is big for him. It drives him crazy when people are incompetent and inefficient. He complains about how stupid the people are that he works with all of the time.

-He hates his job minus the part where he gets to problem solve. He hates stupid work bureaucracy and all of the small talk/socializing required. He just wants to get his work done and be done with it so he can leave and do the things he loves. He gets really annoyed that his coworkers don't work as hard as he does/ aren't as productive as him.

-He gives our kids nightly pep talks- tells them how much he loves them, how proud he is of them, how they should keep working and trying hard- but that no matter what he will love them.

-He's got an extensive network of friends- he's really socially savvy- and he loves it when he gets praise or when his connections pay off. But he's also incredibly self-deprecating. He's always saying things to deflect compliments and talking about how stupid and untalented he is. It seems like not only does he want to be perceived as humble, while also, deep down he thinks he's stupid and untalented so he has to prove that he isn't by accomplishing things. He told me before that his dad never told him that he was proud of him and it's eaten away at him his whole life. As an adult, he's accomplished so much but still feels hollow because his dad never said how proud he was. After his father died, I think it was especially hard for him because he'll never have the chance to hear it.


-He loves to have fun, but if his fun keeps him from achieving his goals, he'll curtail it.

-He's incredibly loyal to his friends and his family/ me.

-He vibes so/sx to me but he is really good at staying focused on his goals and taking care of himself. He's kind of obsessed with staying fit and eating right/taking supplements, mainly so that he can keep skateboarding as he gets older (skateboarding is his ultimate passion and has been for thirty years), but also because he wants to stay physically attractive.

-Despite his vibing so/sx I could see the self pres three fitting him because of the 'vanity in having no vanity'. I could also see him being a countertype and that could be why I've had such a hard time figuring this out.

I could write a lot more, but this is already too much.

 

[thoughtlost]

Interestingly, though, he complains about 'people-pleasers'. He hates it when people show off and brag and kiss ass.

points to 3 to me. It's also a very SP 3 thing to say.

 

[brainheart]

points to 3 to me. It's also a very SP 3 thing to say.

Yeah, I was re-listening to Naranjo (it's been awhile) and what he says about the self pres 3 wanting to be good- the perfect husband, father, etc, fits him really well. It's just weird to me because he's always struck me as a so-dom. It's possible, I suppose, that I get that impression because he's an ESFP.

 

[thoughtlost]

Yeah, I was re-listening to Naranjo (it's been awhile) and what he says about the self pres 3 wanting to be good- the perfect husband, father, etc, fits him really well. It's just weird to me because he's always struck me as a so-dom. It's possible, I suppose, that I get that impression because he's an ESFP.

It's hard for me to decide instinctual variants for a person who I am sure is a 3 ...so I understand, a bit. I know a 3 who says that she doesn't like braggarts but as soon as she says that ...she is bragging to someone xD She also likes to mention that her husband has a PhD whenever she can (and of course, she forgets to do it ...but when she remembers that she forgot she'll make a small stink about it). She is also likely to talk herself up, saying things that I am not a liar, I do my job better than anyone, and I am honest. She'll say it, and if you're naive you'll believe her... but you'll slowly notice that she isn't as great as she says. Also, she'll twist the truth a bit to make things seem like she is good. Because of her behavior, it's hard to imagine that she even cares about truly loved. As long as people go on acting like they think she is amazing, she is happy and won't think she needs to improve herself or dig deeper to question herself. I am thinking that she is might be more likely to be a social 3.

If that is true, then I think the difference between social threes is that as long as other people believe they are successful and socially pleasant, then they can go about their merry way. But with self-pre 3, they do want other people to see them as successful, but it's more about actually being a good person ...having the physical manifestations of a good person so that way not only other people will find them successful, but so the 3 themselves will feel successful and loveable. I see sp 3s as more likely to dig deep to make sure they are good people and not just putting on a facade. The only issue is that they FEEL unlovable to themselves. ...but idk. I could be wrong.

edit: I forgot to type the main point of my reply: ...I really think your husband is an SP 3, if my theory is correct.

 

[brainheart]

If that is true, then I think the difference between social threes is that as long as other people believe they are successful and socially pleasant, then they can go about their merry way. But with self-pre 3, they do want other people to see them as successful, but it's more about actually being a good person ...having the physical manifestations of a good person so that way not only other people will find them successful, but so the 3 themselves will feel successful and loveable. I see sp 3s as more likely to dig deep to make sure they are good people and not just putting on a facade. The only issue is that they FEEL unlovable to themselves. ...but idk. I could be wrong.

edit: I forgot to type the main point of my reply: ...I really think your husband is an SP 3, if my theory is correct.

Yes, if your theory is correct- and so is Naranjo's- this is definitely him.