There is a lot going through my head and heart right now. I haven't forgotten all your attentive amazing posts and the questions that were asked. I just don't have the words. I can't address these questions - I'm not hiding anything, but these are the type of issues I can only process through music and art and I cannot even express it honestly in words, I have never tried, and I don't know that I ever would, because music and other art covers it more honestly.
I don't envy other people generally. But there is the envy of another life, which is more pervasive. I'm not miserable in my life because I bring my dreams into my life. It's as close as I can get to what I really want, which is to live on another planet, in a different kind of world, where I belong. I am committed to the dreams of my youth and work as hard as I can to bring them to fruition. Still, I am very present in my body. Every shower is so carnal its spiritual; every steak, every coffee, every touch moves from my skin to my core, I am fully present, I feel instinctual like an animal. Sometimes I feel like I blend in with nature, it's part of my soul, I am at one with the universe. I feel apart from society though. Home is where the heart is, and my heart resides on my home planet. I don't want to be admired as a rockstar or a genius, I want to be seen for who I am, but I accept that this is impossible and nobody can see anyone for who they really are because of projection, objectification and personal intentions; but when I feel closer to being truly seen my heart can feel very open, like my skin is ripped off and my blood left to scathe in the sun.
Compulsively, I build up my own strength and ward off vulnerability. I express myself through music and writing. I portray no false image to the world, I hide nothing, on the contrary I wear my mood, tastes, and dreams on my sleeve through my clothes and my living space and the things and people I surround myself with, the way I look, the way I move; I show my heart. Talking about it is extraneous. Sure, it's fun to talk about yourself with friends, to exchange stories, but I don't see that as true exposition of self. Talk is talk, it's a pastime, even if it's honest. To communicate who I am, I show but don't tell. It's not that I purposely show "who I think I am" to communicate some self-image; it's that I don't hide anything; I express myself and react; a non-reaction makes a statement too. Body language, actions, music, clothing, gestures, lifestyle choices, all speak louder than words. The thing is, most people still manage to misread me, to read hidden motives into me that aren't there. I'll often explain myself out of respect, if my motives are questioned directly or if there is an honest misunderstanding, but in the end, people have their perceptions and it's up to them. They don't have to like me or see the truth as long as they respect me. But even with friends, I don't expect to really be seen. Being 'understood,' as a concept, doesn't seem logical. No matter how good someone's intentions are, do they even have the capacity to understand another person? ...Yet I still express myself relentlessly and remain true to myself in every way; I live to bring my inner life to the surface, to bend my surroundings to my will, to have my castle, and my music, and my sanctuary, where things are closer to my dreams of my home planet. Why I'm not content to keep this inside... I don't know. Why it must materialize... I don't know. Art is life, life is art, I control my life, my perception, my surroundings, my destiny. Take it or leave it, but don't try to change it; I will fit no mold, follow no protocol, and adopt no lifestyle outside the commitments that I make of my own volition on my own terms.
Sometimes I think I express myself to fish out my own kind. I'm far, far from perfect - but I'm genuine. If someone can't see me as I am... they are not of my species; they do not speak my language. If someone is not expressing themselves to me in a way that speaks to me... they are not of my species. When I meet someone of my species, we communicate through a picture, a song, a gesture, eye contact. In navigating each other, we explore more of ourselves, automatically. I spend a lot of time by myself to bring my inner world to fruition through my work, and to process the things I process in order to retain closer to it. Even my inner life is laid out plainly in that context, so I really don't have much to hide except for those vulnerable feelings that I hide even from myself. Someone from my planet would see that vulnerability plainly and our honest communication would force me to face it, since anything that is real and honest would enter our dialogue- whether they're a friend, a lover, a child, a mentor, or an animal. To everyone else I am respectful or occasionally curious, but true communication is not my concern. I protect my honest, giving nature from being tarnished and abused by their bullshit, rather than establish real communication. I've made a lifestyle of expressing myself as honestly as I am able and they still don't see me; what more can I do?
I have no idea what this means, in terms of enneagram, but I just wanted you all to know, I appreciate your insights thus far and I will address them when I am ready, perhaps after the internal storm subsides and the clouds depart and I can see the light.