This was a long questionnaire. Or maybe my answers were long. Sorry. Skipped the last two, but could do them if needed.
0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
The enneagram is more difficult for me to grasp than MBTI. I think I’m a Type Four, but I’m not so sure anymore. I considered Six for a brief spell but went back to Four because it was close enough. I started looking into enneagram again and read four books on it. I test as Five more than any other type. Whether or not tritypes are legit, the Researcher (145) archetype fits me very well. Sp/sx is likely my instinct stacking. Whatever type I am, I’m undoubtedly an unhealthy version. Major depression and general anxiety skew my perceptions, and I’ve also become a bit of a recluse.
1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
I experience minor annoyances and mild amusement, neither of which last long, over things I encounter throughout my day. Mentally, I’m mostly spaced out or fuzzy with slow, incoherent half-thoughts blending into each other until an idea sparks my imagination and there’s a burst of activity around that. That doesn’t last long, either, except when the concept needs to be unraveled or broadened, and then it becomes hard to shift gears unless a more interesting idea appears.
2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
It’s kind of boring. Sometimes, I feel like I’m on the verge of something significant. I feel like a half-finished person. Nothing much happens. I’m not a doer.
b. What have others said about you?
Throughout my school life, my teachers considered me smart. Some of my peers thought I was stuck-up. My friends thought I was funny. My family thinks I’m sensitive. My mom says I’m a dreamer.
c. What do you think of yourself?
Too much ambition, a little potential, no follow-through.
3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Pressure and expectations tend to be my undoing. Looking back on the times I failed, it always involved buckling under others’ high expectations or the pressure to figure things out quickly. It’s still frustrating to me because things would go well but there’d be a little snag, the niggling sense that I had to do better or match some notion of potential. I wasn’t aware of the anxiety during those times, but it’s clear now. I don’t know how that stuff got to me.
I’m plagued by doubt about choices yet to be made and I delay choosing even though the right options are before me. It’s like there’s something fundamentally broken or missing in me, a major fault or blindspot. If I can find it and figure it out, then I can compensate and it won’t hinder me anymore.
4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
Ruthlessness, moderation, strictness, self-sacrifice, a careless attitude toward my work, or duplicity.
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
Assertiveness, consideration for others, resolve, reliability, a quick wit, and a cheerful attitude.
5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
I lose contact with people and consider getting in touch with them, but it never feels like the timing is good enough. More time passes and it becomes more awkward to contact them. Before I know it, years have passed. Initiating contact is very difficult for me, so I rarely do it.
6. Which types do you identify with most?
Type Four and Type Five. The stereotypes seem like Fours are lost in a stormy ocean of feelings while Fives wouldn’t know what to do with an emotion if one happened to them. One is too emotional, and the other is not emotional enough.
I relate better to the Five’s core fears, but the profiles often mention objectivity and less acknowledgement of emotions. That’s not me at all. I do need to withdraw to process and sift through emotions. Expressing emotion or dealing with strong emotions (my own or others’) is challenging for me. Still, they're important to me.
I relate a little better to Four profiles if I don’t look too closely. The artistic aspects and the connection to emotion resonate with me. If I’d typed myself as a teenager, it would’ve been Four, without a doubt. The concerns I had about my place in the world, who I am, and who that person is in relation to others—that stuff made sense back then. It’s not on my radar now. Do Fours outgrow envy and concerns about their individuality when they’re no longer teenagers?
a. How do you relate to these types?
Four – Drawn to creative expression of complicated feelings and authenticity; strong sense of self; introspection; subjective; artistic; focus on aesthetics; sensitive; low self-esteem; feeling flawed; shame; self-absorption; escape to fantasies; difficulty in groups
Five – Sense that the world overwhelms or encroaches on me; need for privacy; stinginess with time, personal space, and ideas; withdrawing to process emotions; compartmentalizing types of relationships; noninvolvement; difficulty forming commitments; strong personal boundaries; desire for clarity; feeling socially inept; disinclined to ask for help
b. How do you NOT relate to them?
Four – Romanticizing darkness and tragedy; envy and resentment; amplifying emotions; drama; disdain for the ordinary; blaming the world for my problems; feeling abandoned; need to assert individuality in most contexts; viewing my life as tragic or seeing myself as a victim; cultivating an image of myself and seeing that as my real self; disintegration to Two
Five – Objectivity; minimalism; cerebral/intellectual; independence; self-reliance; preferring facts over feelings; feeling disconnected from my body; calm in a crisis
7. Which types are least like you?
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?
One, Two, Three, and Eight are least like me. I don’t relate to One because I’m not disciplined, hard-working, responsible, or disapproving of others. For Two, not as helpful, generous, accommodating, oriented toward others, or inclined to feel owed. For Three, not as efficient, optimistic, motivated, driven, desirous of admiration, and my self isn’t obscured by my self-image. For Eight, not as courageous, confident, extreme, or interested in power.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
I relate to One’s high standards, a bit of the perfectionism, and the desire to be good. For Two, feeling vulnerable. For Three, I relate to the desire to be successful and the best at what I do. I’m enamored with the idea of winning awards for my writing, although that isn’t be a driving motivation. For Eight, I don’t like when others try to set limitations on me or on what can be done. My instinct is to buck that.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
It’s not happening any time this decade. In order to open up to someone, I’d have to feel close to them and in order to feel close to them, I’d have to open up. It’s circular and bizarre, and I don’t know a way around it. If I loved someone, I think my weaknesses would be exposed. My seclusion means there’s not much of an opportunity for that, anyway.
10. Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.
- to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
I don’t know about sensitive, and, in a way, everyone’s unique…but I’d really like to create original works of fiction, music, and other art forms. I don’t want to _be_ original but create original stories. If one leads to the other, then sure. Being creative is pretty much the only good thing I’ve got going right now.
- to be knowledgeable
Encountering new information is vital to me. (I'm not sure that's the same as wanting to be knowledgeable.) I try to understand the world, and scraps of trivia become the kindling for my creative impulses. I love when I’m learning something new, and the knowledge I already have is relevant and helps me build a clearer picture of the topic. It makes me wistful that I can’t read every book.
- to strive to become/behave like a good person
I'd like to be a good person, but I don't do much striving toward it.
- to be accomplished and successful
- to be "okay", having it together
- to be devoted and loyal to a person or cause
- to be loving and benevolent
- to be powerful, strong, unassailable.
- to be a loveable person