PimpinMcBoltage
New member
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2012
- Messages
- 155
- Enneagram
- 8
It has been a current and unfortunate fixation of mine to figure out what the hell is my Heart Center is comprised of. I feel that I'm the most disconnected from that side as I equally identify with 2, 3 and 4. Granted I identify with the desires of ALL types so that might just be a tad useless information, but I at least know that 6 is the most likely type for my Head Center since I've got into the enneagram. Maybe did say that Gut types are the most disconnected from their own image, and I honestly have a very poor idea of who I am and what is actually the core of my own existence rather than just attaching myself to something because it sounded nice to me, and because every single defense mechanism sounds logical in the since of protecting one's ego from harm. I use all of them at one point or another, and it all feels like I do it all the time.
I have no idea where to start, so I'll just go with how I deal with group settings and my own emotions. Guess I can say that in a group setting, I generally like to have some sort of involvement. If I am not feeling that I am not influencing things, then my own interests drop considerably and I quickly become sort of a hateful asshole to others out of a desire to be able to sway their attention toward my way and have my opinions and desires taken seriously. I might have issues with abandonment, but I have never really consider the times that I have actually been abandoned as very seriously. Mostly because I never form attachments with anyone to begin with, and I am worried about the fact that I will have nobody to share any sort of affectionate feelings towards. I might not even actually be able to share love, just sort of use them as a sort of egocentric stepping stone of my own value. To be able to say "I love you" and sincerely mean it, rather than just saying it because I'm expected to do so, even though I dislike saying "I love you" if it's not in a jokey way. I feel guilty and ashamed for actually wanting someone to love me, yet at the same time I might just be using them to build up my own sense of self worth. I am resentful of those who don't invite me to their fancy reindeer games and leave me out in the dust, even though I hardly ever actually go out of my way to actually get involved in the first place due to an anxiety that I will simply be wasting my own fucking time. I never talk about myself unless it's about my relation with something that is going in the moment, or the group itself. As such, I will generally spill out as much information about myself as possible simply because I do not know how to place myself in the general hierarchy of life, because I am very detached and incapable of actually keeping track of what is going on, because nobody wants to share their little secrets with me for some reason. I am guessing in giantly inappropriate MBTI speak, I suck at Ne. I suck at seeing between the lines of the environment, and mostly just interject the possibilities inside of myself, because that is more familiar and enjoyable than having to keep track of what someone might be saying. I treat those who DO pay attention to me like shit, because I am too busy wallowing in self pity about the fact that nobody finds me interesting, and that they will simply leave me because I am a horrifically boring person. On the other hand I don't react by quietly leaving and playing games with other people, I explode and become an attention whore who more or less vomits my own feelings at someone. I dislike the fact that I am an attention whore of the exhibitionist type, but that is just what I am. I just hate myself, and I hate bothering others about it, yet I still feel the need to tell someone about it, so that I know what is wrong with me.
I'm going to go with 3, but I doubt just ranting like this is going to help as I don't know what questions that I should be answering to...
I have no idea where to start, so I'll just go with how I deal with group settings and my own emotions. Guess I can say that in a group setting, I generally like to have some sort of involvement. If I am not feeling that I am not influencing things, then my own interests drop considerably and I quickly become sort of a hateful asshole to others out of a desire to be able to sway their attention toward my way and have my opinions and desires taken seriously. I might have issues with abandonment, but I have never really consider the times that I have actually been abandoned as very seriously. Mostly because I never form attachments with anyone to begin with, and I am worried about the fact that I will have nobody to share any sort of affectionate feelings towards. I might not even actually be able to share love, just sort of use them as a sort of egocentric stepping stone of my own value. To be able to say "I love you" and sincerely mean it, rather than just saying it because I'm expected to do so, even though I dislike saying "I love you" if it's not in a jokey way. I feel guilty and ashamed for actually wanting someone to love me, yet at the same time I might just be using them to build up my own sense of self worth. I am resentful of those who don't invite me to their fancy reindeer games and leave me out in the dust, even though I hardly ever actually go out of my way to actually get involved in the first place due to an anxiety that I will simply be wasting my own fucking time. I never talk about myself unless it's about my relation with something that is going in the moment, or the group itself. As such, I will generally spill out as much information about myself as possible simply because I do not know how to place myself in the general hierarchy of life, because I am very detached and incapable of actually keeping track of what is going on, because nobody wants to share their little secrets with me for some reason. I am guessing in giantly inappropriate MBTI speak, I suck at Ne. I suck at seeing between the lines of the environment, and mostly just interject the possibilities inside of myself, because that is more familiar and enjoyable than having to keep track of what someone might be saying. I treat those who DO pay attention to me like shit, because I am too busy wallowing in self pity about the fact that nobody finds me interesting, and that they will simply leave me because I am a horrifically boring person. On the other hand I don't react by quietly leaving and playing games with other people, I explode and become an attention whore who more or less vomits my own feelings at someone. I dislike the fact that I am an attention whore of the exhibitionist type, but that is just what I am. I just hate myself, and I hate bothering others about it, yet I still feel the need to tell someone about it, so that I know what is wrong with me.
I'm going to go with 3, but I doubt just ranting like this is going to help as I don't know what questions that I should be answering to...
