Hey, so after some time of researching functions and trying to find them in myself, which didn't go really well, I decided to come here once more and to try to do it once more.
There are many problems that really mess with my head during assesment, and self doubting surely is one of them. For some time I've been set on INFP and then suddenly I've started to doubt every part of that assessment. So the main problem I have is assessing my auxiliary function. I'm certain of beign an introvert and that's really that, everything else is kinda weird. When I was a child, well at least first thing I remember, is being really absorbed into solving logic puzzles (I especially admired ones that had multiple solutions and would spend my day trying to find everything). I had parents that were really concerned with my health so they pushed me to do sport. I kinda liked it but not that much. When I became older that was really something that got kinda between us. They were always trying to get me outside and what I wanted was to play games and read books. Those things were my passion from day one. At that time I started to go in school (was pretty good at it, didn't find it problematic at all. I esepcially liked maths and languagegs) and met people that somehow did connect me with real world a little more. Before that I had only one friend and we would spend whole days creating whole sorts of imaginary scenarios (we mostly enjoyed in the preparation of them, action was really secondary...) When I look at children today I seldom find ones with 'wild' imaginations like mine at that time. Today if there's one thing I hate the most is my loss of that imagination. It's like lose of innocence.
Yeah, like I said I was good at school. Part of it due to my being pretty clever and part of it due to my parent's obsession with good grades. They weren't bad parents, no way, they were really good, but sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have so many problems today if they had some other values. I was really confused and in my head as child, not paying attention when I didn't find things interesting, always losing things etc... I actually find school pretty good and enjoyed learning new things, with hands on subjects being something I really hate. I never understood experimental validation as well. Words were something I really enjoyed. Speaking of words, at my early age, I was obsessed with numbers. Everyone thought that I love cars and stuff like that, but oh boy were numbers really the thing I liked. I can't remember being sensorish ( actually, there was one thing. I had cold ears fetish. It was kind of addiction). Until age of 16 or so I didn't even realize I had a body: I even went in pajamas in school sometimes, didn't need to eat for a whole day and so on. Never realized what people meant when they said I look unhealthy. Realiziation hit me when I became older, and at that time I had a quick crusade concerned with my body health which I even kinda enjoyed when it was new (exercising right). But it all became sort of unnatural to me like it was before very quickly.
I believe that everything I said seems thinkerish but I'm not so certain. Nowadays I'm all about emotions which could hint at inferior Fe manifesting, but again I'm not so certain. I've taken up colledge that deals with people and it seems natural to me, more than anything scientifical anyways. I don't really like idea of colledge. If I could I would like to try to learn a bit of everything and not just one subject with all its details. It's boring to know all. Sometimes I've imagined myself in future but that were all impressions and nothing with it had to to with concrete things. Just a group of thoughts and feelings which were likely to happen.
Speaking of time I'm very nostalgic. Actually, wait a minute. I was bullied really much in school and it really got stuck with me. A mere sight of bullies today angers me to unbelievable heights. It's hard to me to let go of past, as it constantly haunts me. I was always very quiet and shy and past experiences only worsened things up. I have a constant fear of things repeating and to some extent they did. I can't even open myself up in real life nowadays, with bad memories not wanting to let me go. I seem like coldest person alive. I'm full of sarcasm and cynism. Lurking personality formus actually helped me alot and it is kinda easier for me now, so thanks a lot guys I appreciate it. I'm even not afraid of showing how different I am and people recognize that ( no, I'm not gay xD).
Anyways, yes, nostalgy. Something that really started to manifest a few years ago and now has completely overtaken me. I like to travel to places I've visited and that hold dear memories for me and remember everything. I remember one such travel which was supposed to remind me of being a carefree child and when I got there I found out that the flowers, which I had so vividly painted in my memories, were not there. Hell, I don't even know if there ever were flowers there, perhaps they were some subconscious manifestation of happiness, but I know that I had them in my mind and for me that was enough. When I found out that they were not there I got really sad.
Nowadays I'm trying to categorize world around me, trying to find something that will show me entire world as a box with labels on it, but my search for something like that didn't really happen. I read a lot and everything I read seems possible. I don't believe that I'll ever find a universal pattern. I have multiple ideas of world view and that's fine with me, I won't go for any ultimate T.R.U.T.H. searching quest.
I've been often criticized of being inattentive to surroundings, talking of other people (even mine to some extent) and things like that. I don't know if that's natural for me in such way or I'm badly damaged introvert, I've been like that since always. Funny story, I went into building of colledge that I was supposed to take and was exploring it and reading stuff on doors ( you know name of classes and that) and didn't find it weird at all that all classes were concerned with technology. And i attend philosophycal colledge. I even thought, whoa they are really diverse. Needles to say I was in a wrong building.
Another problem that bothers me alot is a constant disagreement between imagined and real. It's impossible for me to function properly in world as things that happen arround me lack grandiosity that I had in mind. I never had any serious realationship, and by that I mean any kind of relationship at all. Why? I don't know really. There's always something that I find lacking in women that are interested in me. No it's not sense of conquer or anything like that. I don't like when I have to chase girls, I don't get any satisfaction from that. But really, there will be always something, probably a minor thing, and eventhough they are great with everything you could hope of, my inability to understand that fantasy can't be real will make it appear as a huge stain. I've spent whole my life dreaming of someone that'll really click with my ideas, an idea soulmate, even muse perhaps, but I've been left with no knowledge of how to find something like that in people around me. I sometimes wonder whether my view is really a broken mirror, with everything being upside down, myself included. Am I really the way I see myself or am I just a sleazy nobody with a head in clouds. I find it hard to believe that there was nobody untill this point that showed that platonic connection. Maybe there were, but I really hate that game of cat and mouse.
There are even times when I reject everything bodily with absolute disgust. Inferior Se perhaps? Or even aux and that's something that's causing the tear? I find no satisfaction in any hedonistic behaviour and think only of what could happen in future, and while not always having negative diviation, I ultimately fail to see any purpose. I'd like to transcend everything bodily into whole new realm.
Sorry for text being so scattered. I hope you'll find some time and help me, or if you'd like but think that there's information missing, ask me additional questions and I'll gladly answer.