So a couple months ago, after months of generally misunderstanding the functions, I became pretty sure I was an INFP, or an xNFP at the least. However, recently self doubt (one of my biggest specialties) has kicked in. I've been reading past threads of mine (which were rather pointless to put it honestly), and INTP Forums of sorts - and something doesn't seem right here. I mean, I feel like a lot of the shit I write and much of the musings roaming around my head have an Fi attribution to them - but when I try to identify my inferior - I don't really see a logical crux manifesting, it's actually one of the things I try to rely on in a stressful situation (even though I can be VERY self critical at first in these situations). I can't really explain this, but recent situations I've been dont really give off that inferior Te vibe. In other words, I feel like I'm too rational to have an inferior thinking function - this isn't to say feeling types can't be rational, they certainly can, especially the enneagram 5 feelers (which I suspect is my enneatype as indicated by my signature far below). But I get intuitive vibes that point away from an inferior thinking function....actually, that's all I'm doing, taking intuitive guesses. Fuck it. I can't go off into a tangent right now, damn auxiliary Ne. I'm just going to pull out some random behavioral patterns and thought processes to try and hint at which functions I may prefer, although I realized that only takes you so far, it can be like attempting to teach your dog a new trick but your way of attempting to get through to him is saying the same word over and over and pulling at random parts of his body, leaving the poor thing confused. Why do I attempt to be funny and fail? Oh, that's right...hhmph. Fuck it....this may be long....
when I was a child, I was quite the....confusing one. I was plagued by certain disorders like ADHD and one that starting fucking with my head later in life, even to this day. I had trouble doing many things early on, like for example, I sucked at video games and would get fustrated, so I had to have my dad help me...throughout the whole damn game. But I quickly started growing out of that phase, and when I was about 8 or 9 I became more independent. As a preteen, I had these obsessive interests. I obsessed over interests like dogs, to the point where I memorized every dog breed in a week. The pokemon games were fascinating to me as well, I loved looking at new strategies from cheat guides and then using them to become better. One that really stood out, though, was weather. GOD, was I obsessed with that shit. To the point where I would go out in snowstorms or flooding rains, and wanted to be a crazed storm chaser in the middle of Kansas. One remarkable thing about me and my interests...I was interested in a more categorical manner, instead of burying into this material and quickly gaining information (this is why I questioned my N for a time...but this probably doesn't say much, and I suspect it had to do with disorders) One thing I loved doing was creating hypothetical scenarios based off of things I was interested in. Movies. Music. During my weather phase, as a kid, I would go in my backyard and pretended weeds, shrubs, plants and gardens were actually towns, cites, and suburban areas - I twisted my own reality and started viewing my backyard as a separate geographical landscape, a new world...so I could take a hose and pretend hurricanes, tornadoes and floods were demolishing this geographical wonder...and I would inspect the damage afterwards. Ugh, would I skydive rapidly towards the ground just to relive those days... one thing that was really fascinating about my interests was the fact that I didn't need food or sleep to alleviate my concentration...my level of fascination was so high that it fed my appetite! Okay, adderall can maybe contribute to this somewhat...but even now, this has occurred while reading up on MBTI. That is just so cool. Other things about me as a kid...whenever my parents fought, I would trap myself in my room and not speak to them until they made up (which indicated some weaker form of Fe to me). I detested divorced individuals, for reasons that I cannot recall, just the thought of it made me really uncomfortable ( I'd guess immature Fi dominance there?) I was overly sensitive to criticism and harsh feedback, or teasing, or anything of the like - I would take it literally. I was quiet, but not so much introspective (like I am now) as much as wanting to stay drama free, and live in harmony with everyone (in other words, not really an inner harmony but wanting everyone to feel the same way I did, usually positively) I also had a desire to be looked upon as more mature for my age, or a better way of putting it: whenever I was around adults I wanted to be looked upon as one of them rather than a child. That is why I would join in during conversations between, say, my parents and their friends. I also watched shows like American Idol, and while I did get emotionally attached to some contestants and started rooting for them...later on I suspected that it was probably due to me "personalizing" this, basically I wanted said contestant to reach a certain level in the competition I was content with, and this made me feel like I accomplished something, because I didnt feel like I accomplished anything in my life. However, I was fascinated by the voting system, and the patterns surrounding it, and how certain demographics and trends would affect that system...and theories aboit the show in general. I don't know what else to write so fuck it, fast forwarding to today...
today I am crippled by anxiety, depression, concern, and bitterness of the world around me and what I think I have become. However, instead of wallowing around in shame like I used to when I was a recluse, I am trying to do something about it and get my life together. Just a couple years ago, I would strongly identify with the Ji-Si loop theory - I would sought advice from people but find other ways to dismiss it, create really weak rebuttals, basically give in to anxiety instead of actually doing something about it....my thinking was very rigid. Recently I have been taking in the mentality of being more open minded and replenish myself as a whole, taking small steps. However I have other issues that get in the way of this, like, say, making a mistake that is humiliating to the degree where I go inside my head and analyse the cause of that particular problem, finding ways to view that mistake. I may also find ways to deal with situations like that in the future but sometimes I am so dumbfounded as to why I keep making these mistakes? Is my anxiety affecting my concentration? Either way I try to find the root of that problem without looking at every angle (I have trouble finding angles in some situations) some of you may say this is Ni, but I suspect it is Ji-Si getting stuck in a rut....but what do I know. Okay, that was just one problem I was referencing....maybe I do have an easier time looking at angles of every situation and then contrasting them together to find the sum of the problem. It's really hard discerning my head when it is so scatterbrained. Bah.
I remember I used to be energized by the idea of being in love, finding that special someone to be with forever. I used to create these dream girls in my head, usually during my reclusive period. But a while ago I realized that I might not be that interesting of a person... So I decided i needed to focus on myself more before I started approaching this particular goal of mine. I don't know, the thing about love is tricky....I crave that feeling of harmony of two souls expressing feelings and caring for each other, but the thing is I've never been in a relationship before, ever. I suspect my mind was brainwashed watching tv shows and movies portraying elements of love when I was a child, and being intricately fascinated by this particular phenomenon. Logically speaking, love is really the last thing I need right now, if you exclude loneliness. You can accomplish so many things without it. Yet I feel like a healthy relationship will give me the jolt and confidence I need to maintain a consistent positive mentality in life, which will lead to success. (Then again, how can "success" be measured? In this case, probably internally.)
now, discerning my relationships with people, or taking a crack at how people may think of me, see me, feel of me, whatever. I am very aloof, and this is usually on a scale depending on how my mood is. Some people greatly misunderstand me because of this. Stupid things I say, missing certain clues in an environment, not grasping the basic concept of a certain board game during my first time playing, whatever. I'm like a skunk - you know how people judge them based on how they smell? Who knows, skunks may be some of the most amazing souls organisms on the planet have to offer! But no one gives them a chance because they smell like other decaying organisms found in deep underwater trenches. Eh, thats kind of how it is with me. Not to say people strongly dislike me...but there is a general annoyance, for sure, from time to time. Some people admire me for my honesty, and sense of humor, but anxiety really gets in the way of my friendships with people, thus people sometimes never get to know me that well. By that, I mean, I get so anxious talking to someone that I break down and start resembling Forrest Gump on ecstasy. Okay, not really. But social anxiety can be crippling, for sure. I've been trying to break this habit by socializing with people on an every-other-day basis at least but for the most part, this feeling is out of my control.
About how I view people - a lot of the behavioral patterns of certain people my age (I'm 19) deeply annoy me, watching loud girls on a train talk about their experiences seeing that cute boy wink at them (aka nothing) but talking over each other, resembling utter nonsense that sounds deafening...for example. I've been overly judgemental towards people for things like this in the past, which is why I was so sure I was Fi-dominant for a couple months, but then I mulled it over a little more and found out it may have had something to do with negative experiences with people in the past - and it may have muddled into my subconscious ways of thinking I suspect. I really try to see the positive in people though, I find myself complimenting people every once in a while. One thing that does annoy me, however - when someone likes me, a part if me feels like I have to like them, regardless of what kind of person they are (unless its Casey Anthony we're talking about) and vice versa if someone dislikes me. Blah, feelings suck. Life would be easier if I was a robot beneath all this flesh. (Heh, not really.)
As far as my mentalities toward life go right now - I am rather cynical. I've had a hard life. It really shows in my sense of humor...a year ago or so I started watching a lot of late George Carlin and Louis CK standup, and the like, to try modeling my sense of humor based off of their attitudes...mostly because i could really relate to it. I think I have picked up on their concept of comedy, from a very black point of view, so if I felt like writing a half and hour standup script I think I could be able to successfully architect my excerpts into a comedic show. In other words, I feel like I have the potential to resemble comedians like them (okay, probably not Carlin, more in the realm of C.K. and even moreso, alt-comedy land) but the problem is some people actually pick up on my cynicism too well - and then it's no longer funny, it becomes a second rate version of the Four Yorksh
iremen sketch - but only one man ranting and raving about the absurdities of life and his observations and perceptions. God, what am I going on about.
BUT WAIT! There's more....some other fun facts about me, hopefully hinting at my archetype:
sometimes I find joy in self deprication, cynicism, and especially the ironies surrounding it - it makes me feel sane, in a way. That's why I love black comedy and love implementing it into my sense of humor as well...it's fuel for my passion, in a way, and I'm usually very successful if I'm passionate about something (ooh, I smell some Fi cooking?!) interestingly enough, movies, shows and music aimed to make you feel good or does indeed make most people happy (I don't know, think any cheesy Adam Sandler movie or that one Phil Collins song from that Tarzan movie, or fuck, most Disney movies in general) either freak me out or make me feel depressed, or both, starting with the former. To wash this disturbing feeling away, I have to resort to the cynicism, so I can feel sane again. This is probably why I listen to a lot of dark, intense, and thoughtful music. In other words, the wires of my brain are misconfigured.
After introspecting some more, And I may have self taught myself not to take things for granted here - but I sometimes have a tendency to feel an inner pride in whatever I own, or value in life- if its something that i really wanted. This is why I was opining Fi-dominance before, but I realized that really any type could do this - we are all snowflakes and we blow in different ways! Its just expressed differently, im just not sure how yet. Unless I'm mistaken....and if so, wow, you thinkers must be really numb inside huh? (Hehehe....kidding in a way, but go ahead, say I'm a feeler because I made that statement :P
i tend to strive for accuracy, usually when writing or even solving a problem or doing a task. For example, I edited several excerpts in paragraphs trying to find the right word to explain something numerous times writing this! Most will say this is pure Ti, but I think it's a Ji-Dom thing.
i have been getting the feeling that the way I think has gotten so advanced to the point where I cannot explain my thoughts as accurately as I should....possibly due to a lacking vocabulary? Or I am just philosophical, and I haven't fully embraced it yet. Or none of this is true, and I like to think this is an actual dilemma? BAH!
I'm getting sick of typing on this iPad. It's taken me two hours. I'll stop here. If that isn't enough to work with, here are some threads I posted a while ago with more data:
Two questionnaires on the Cafe I did from a few months ago: http://personalitycafe.com/whats-my-...onal-help.html
I posted this also on the Cafe, when I was going mildly insane with worries about whether or not my life was going to crash and burn into a mental jailcell full of self destruction (and I thought I was Fi-dominant at the time) http://personalitycafe.com/general-c...anymore-i.html
I'm also interested to hear what these four input, if they choose to do so: @superunknown @msg_v2 @highlander @Jennifer Lurking and reading posts, I usually find your perspectives interesting...
ugh, I sound like an attention whore. Sorry if this scatterbrain spaghetti special was annoying to read...