1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I don't think life is "about" anything. You get all this time on this planet, and you choose what you do with it. But, I think learning how to love is the most comprehensive and noble goal for living.
2. What were you like as a kid?
Imaginative, artistic. Loved to play make-believe. Very sensitive, especially outside of my trusted family home. Within its walls, I could be pretty difficult and outspoken, but once I stepped out into the world for school, I was very shy and afraid of getting in trouble with those whose regard wasn't guaranteed. Easily impressed upon. Wanted to be "good", obsessed with finding out what "goodness" meant so that I could do it as well as the other kids around me. Never pushed back when pushed (except at home, where I transformed like magic into a naughty and expressive little imp!), never meant anybody any harm. Viscerally uncomfortable with being told what to do, but afraid to get caught doing something I wasn't supposed to, resulting in a sneaky streak. Concerned with who was better or worse than who. When I fancied someone, there was always an element of wanting to be them. To eager to pour out my feelings once someone finally prompted me to - because sometimes this happened in the wrong place, I'm a lot harder to get to know today than I was as a kid!
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
Closer to mother, and more apt to express feelings in the raw around her, but more shared interests with father.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I tend to value those things I have the most
difficulty living, because
I have the most difficulty living them. For me, a value is a goal. Naturally, it means I'm hard on myself, but it also means I never give up on self-improvement. Those value/goals include courage, toughness, integrity, leadership, expression, love, independence, being yourself.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
We just did this above when I was describing myself as a child, lol. As for the present day, yes, they have continued into now. It's just a matter of, every day, learning more of the ins and out of the problems and how to manage them. When I start acting like that stuff, it's more like "Oh, no! I've slipped up!" rather than "That's just me." I don't identify with my neuroses like I once did, and believe that with growth, I can uncover something better and truer underneath.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
b.) How do you want others to see you?
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
a.) I see myself as my actions. If something is inside but never acted on, it might as well not be there. Another equally true answer to this question would be "I don't know." My ideal changes regularly.
b.) I want others to see me as a skilled creator, as clever, as ornate, as funny, as good.
c.) I dislike judgmental people (though I sure can do it, too!). I dislike when people are nasty to each other when there's no good reason, just for the sake of it. I dislike being ignored. I dislike being dismissed and when people dismiss one another. I dislike being told what to do, but I don't like breaking rules, either (in fact, I take rules more seriously than most)! I take offense to calling any human being "boring". I hate when people second-guess one another (another one I do sometimes anyway). I dislike not knowing where I stand with others. I dislike when people presume to know the worth of someone else's creation or their feelings. I can't stand when people can't get to the point, unless we're just playing and both know that there is no point. In that case, let's have fun!
I'm diplomatic in my behavior, but have mixed feelings about it. When someone calls it out as a mask, that hurst because I secretly, vehemently agree with them.
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. - 2
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you - 1
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. - 3
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Some people think that those who don't talk much have little going on in their head. This is mean, willfully ignorant, and pretty true for me. What goes on in my head is 20% rumination and fantasy, 30% writing jokes, and 50% hold music.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best: Making people laugh.
Worst: I've broken my own values, and somebody knows.
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) I get enraged at myself when I don't believe in what I've done, and when I get angry at others, it's often late. Approximately .5 seconds to 48 hours after we parted ways from the fact.
b.) I feel shame about not being who I want to be and not doing what that person would do. Shame is a central problem.
c.) For the most part, we've been through this. But one of the most unbearable things is when there's a problem that nothing can be said or done about immediately. I want to confront and clear it out so I can get my equilibrium back and know what's going on again.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
b.) negative unexpected change
a.) Procrastinate. Talk to somebody about it. Talk more. Vent my feelings. Dwell too much. Then figure the problem out, cuz it's about time.
b.) Seek help to solve the problem. I didn't see it coming, so I probably do not know what to do. Probably blame myself, but that blame motivates me instead of paralyzes me, so it could be worse.
c.) Another one I've already answered! See above: I want to rip the band-aid off right away.
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
a.) I want a minor detail of the project to handle. Not too small to get recognized for my contribution, though. I'll make my detail pretty and shiny and colorful, and you'll notice it.
b.) I don't care for having this much resting on my shoulders, but when I do, I use tight organization to give everyone a chance to speak, but that has the downside of being unfocused. So, my style is better suited to starting/brainstorming a project than refining and finishing it.
c.) I don't want a struggle and do not provoke one, but I run hot and cold about authority a lot internally. Is this the right thing? Are they getting the better of me? Should I stay or go? If I don't like what I'm working under, I'm more likely to vote with my feet than to be vocal. There have been a few times in my life when an authority figure, despite my best efforts, sniffed out my inner resistance. It was ugly.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I see the good in them, the beauty. I see the funny side of the good, too, more than I can laugh at the bad.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I used to be a lot more self-revealing, but went out a bit too far and got burned. Now it's tougher to show others the real thing. My goal is to find the balance and get better at this.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
I'm hardly political or committed to any ideology, but I like to explore them. I've scoped out many according to my needs and interests at the time, and enjoy it that way.
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)
- To constantly push yourself to be “the best"
- To be without needs, well-intentioned
- To replace direct experience with concepts
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation - I just do, since forever. Morals are a serious matter!
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else - Because it's probably not here at my computer, ha.
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance - I don't trust my own mind easily.
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself - Sometimes, it's just more colorful in there. It's louder. It's sweeter. It's richer! It's whatever I want it to be, so if I found myself in that imaginary world, I could be whoever I wanted to be. Right? I know, not really. But it's a siren.
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself - I'm not sure if I'd hold up. I'm sensitive.
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient
What's something you are: a.) thankful you have b.) wish you could have? Why?
I am thankful for my imagination. I wish I was more confident.