Hello there, as you can tell I just joined, but I know a bit about Enneagram. I am working with myself to understand myself, but I might like to hear your voices ...it could help me out. I worry that I am trying to be a type that I am not.
I think I will start with just... jabbering on about ....mwuah, I guess.
I'm still in college studying biology. I was in biology when I entered my university, got scared about it because I thought it meant that I had to be a doctor (and take organic chemistry), and then switched into Public Health Sciences. I am not sure if I had a particular 'aspiration' to join Public Health. I just thought of it as a safe escape from biology at that time. So I was a Public Health Major for about a year and a half... but I felt that there was something wrong about it. I mean, I am okay with the idea of helping people... but I found it ...too forceful for me (I am not saying that these people were actually forcing me to think certain thoughts), but it was basically black and white. I mean, I was interested in my healthcare in the U.S course because I enjoyed understanding the system about how it all worked (I love systems ...but ...maybe not like a five... I just enjoy how we create large and ever expanding ideas... like technology and highways and physics), but when in my junior writing class, my teacher kept on saying things like "I am appalled that some people think vaccines are bad!" and she had a hooty tooty air about herself (...and note: I am not saying I hated her or anything... I just don't like it when people tell me what's good and what's bad and just expect me to agree right away ...even if they are right). Anyway, I tend to be the kind of person who likes to think of ideas by herself (at least that's how I've been since I started college... wow I how I hate sounding like a rebellious teenager. (....I wasn't rebellious as a kid... I always did as I what I was expected ...but more on my on teenage years later).
Anyway, I went back to biology...
At work (I work at a place wants to help out the community... it used to focus solely on women), people can see my as either really scientific, analytic and "precise". I enjoy doing things correctly and finding truth, but at the same time I am no where near serious or anal. I give my honest opinions and thoughts no matter how weird, funny or different it is compared to others' thoughts (that's what others have told me). and you know how it's possible to spontaneously combust? ...I spontaneously dance. I naturally like to be mean to my coworkers as a joke (and sometimes... it's more comfortable to show people that I like them by being mean to them), and I do this because we're pretty close (....we do not act professional AT ALL ...we just broke-ass college kids who look up memes all the time ^_^). I used to be extremely ...how do I say ...unemotional towards them or kind of shy. I didn't want to associate myself with them too much my first year there because at that time I was kind of being a complete loner after my tumultuous high school experience... yes, it was that traumatizing for me. -_-"
The last thing I'll say is about high school since I was most unhealthy then.
It was the strangest thing. I has just moved from the south to the north (of the U.S), and I thought I'd be happy to move and I was excited to start a new school ...I was at first until I started to notice rude comments about how terrible my old state was. It really confused me; I would go home from school... sit on my couch and rock in it (that's what I did when I am thought)... I tried to understand the difference between my former state and the current one (I feel like I was kind of obsessed about it), and I used to cry myself to sleep thinking about it sometimes. My siblings missed their old lives too... but honestly do not know if they missed it on such a level that I did ...it would prevent me from doing my homework right away. As time went on, I do feel like I got worse and worse. I noticed I was lazier that everybody else because all I did was my homework while most everyone participated in extra-curriculars. I felt bad about it and tried to get involved in the school, but it was very stressful for me since it I am not a super tasker compared to others. I kept on getting jealous of my best friend who did better than me in school. She was also really great at writing short stories and I felt inadequate compared to her (...and other people...). At some point, I slowly began to ruin our relationship because I could barely stand to talk to her. I hated how she'd complain about her life and made everything about herself. She didn't realize that every time she talked about life sucked for her that she was making me feel even more and more unworthy to her (I mean, it makes sense... if she she sucks at life... that makes me the scum of the earth).
...Any way, I can go on... but eventually I realized that I was acting like a loser and apologized to her... but even to this day, I don't feel comfortable talking to her. Sure, I do feel bad for hurting her... but guilt isn't the reason. I've completely disconnected from everyone I was friends with those days. But I now find that unfortunate because the person I hurt the most might be the only connection to my past so I can make sense of what my "genes have determined me to be" on this Earth.
....Ah, I am done for now. I hope I was as honest as possible... I'll explain more if you ask me to. I shouldn't fill this up with stuff if no one needs extra information (or don't even want to type me).