Type me

[thoughtlost]

Hello there, as you can tell I just joined, but I know a bit about Enneagram. I am working with myself to understand myself, but I might like to hear your voices ...it could help me out. I worry that I am trying to be a type that I am not.

I think I will start with just... jabbering on about ....mwuah, I guess.

I'm still in college studying biology. I was in biology when I entered my university, got scared about it because I thought it meant that I had to be a doctor (and take organic chemistry), and then switched into Public Health Sciences. I am not sure if I had a particular 'aspiration' to join Public Health. I just thought of it as a safe escape from biology at that time. So I was a Public Health Major for about a year and a half... but I felt that there was something wrong about it. I mean, I am okay with the idea of helping people... but I found it ...too forceful for me (I am not saying that these people were actually forcing me to think certain thoughts), but it was basically black and white. I mean, I was interested in my healthcare in the U.S course because I enjoyed understanding the system about how it all worked (I love systems ...but ...maybe not like a five... I just enjoy how we create large and ever expanding ideas... like technology and highways and physics), but when in my junior writing class, my teacher kept on saying things like "I am appalled that some people think vaccines are bad!" and she had a hooty tooty air about herself (...and note: I am not saying I hated her or anything... I just don't like it when people tell me what's good and what's bad and just expect me to agree right away ...even if they are right). Anyway, I tend to be the kind of person who likes to think of ideas by herself (at least that's how I've been since I started college... wow I how I hate sounding like a rebellious teenager. (....I wasn't rebellious as a kid... I always did as I what I was expected ...but more on my on teenage years later).

Anyway, I went back to biology...

At work (I work at a place wants to help out the community... it used to focus solely on women), people can see my as either really scientific, analytic and "precise". I enjoy doing things correctly and finding truth, but at the same time I am no where near serious or anal. I give my honest opinions and thoughts no matter how weird, funny or different it is compared to others' thoughts (that's what others have told me). and you know how it's possible to spontaneously combust? ...I spontaneously dance. I naturally like to be mean to my coworkers as a joke (and sometimes... it's more comfortable to show people that I like them by being mean to them), and I do this because we're pretty close (....we do not act professional AT ALL ...we just broke-ass college kids who look up memes all the time ^_^). I used to be extremely ...how do I say ...unemotional towards them or kind of shy. I didn't want to associate myself with them too much my first year there because at that time I was kind of being a complete loner after my tumultuous high school experience... yes, it was that traumatizing for me. -_-"


The last thing I'll say is about high school since I was most unhealthy then.

It was the strangest thing. I has just moved from the south to the north (of the U.S), and I thought I'd be happy to move and I was excited to start a new school ...I was at first until I started to notice rude comments about how terrible my old state was. It really confused me; I would go home from school... sit on my couch and rock in it (that's what I did when I am thought)... I tried to understand the difference between my former state and the current one (I feel like I was kind of obsessed about it), and I used to cry myself to sleep thinking about it sometimes. My siblings missed their old lives too... but honestly do not know if they missed it on such a level that I did ...it would prevent me from doing my homework right away. As time went on, I do feel like I got worse and worse. I noticed I was lazier that everybody else because all I did was my homework while most everyone participated in extra-curriculars. I felt bad about it and tried to get involved in the school, but it was very stressful for me since it I am not a super tasker compared to others. I kept on getting jealous of my best friend who did better than me in school. She was also really great at writing short stories and I felt inadequate compared to her (...and other people...). At some point, I slowly began to ruin our relationship because I could barely stand to talk to her. I hated how she'd complain about her life and made everything about herself. She didn't realize that every time she talked about life sucked for her that she was making me feel even more and more unworthy to her (I mean, it makes sense... if she she sucks at life... that makes me the scum of the earth).

...Any way, I can go on... but eventually I realized that I was acting like a loser and apologized to her... but even to this day, I don't feel comfortable talking to her. Sure, I do feel bad for hurting her... but guilt isn't the reason. I've completely disconnected from everyone I was friends with those days. But I now find that unfortunate because the person I hurt the most might be the only connection to my past so I can make sense of what my "genes have determined me to be" on this Earth.

....Ah, I am done for now. I hope I was as honest as possible... I'll explain more if you ask me to. I shouldn't fill this up with stuff if no one needs extra information (or don't even want to type me).

 

[thoughtlost]

Sorry-

I believe that the reason why some people do not reply to a post is either the post is too long or not enough useful information (or the person just got unlucky this time around), but if you'd like a different post to read so you can type me, let me know and I can provide you with an answered questionnaire or something.

 

[mintleaf]

how well do you relate to type 6? or 9?

 

[thoughtlost]

...hm, well I do relate a bit to 9. I used to think I was a nine. I haven't looked too much into six, but it is possible.

In terms of what I've been typed as in the past: 2--> it's possible. I don't know if I am a two. My mom is one... and I am just not so sure if that's correct for me. I didn't want to disagree with those who think that way, but I've met three 2s. My mom is one, and I ...can't see the connection. I roomed with a two ...still don't see the connection. The girl who helped me study for a psychology final was a two... and although I lthought she was really amazing... I am not sure if I relate to her. Whenever I talk to her, I feel like we have separate issues.

I am afraid of being a two because of their inability to realize that they need to work on themselves. I remember asking my mom one time (before I got into enneagram) if she thought she cared about improving who she was. She said no.... I cried. I couldn't believe that I was related to a person who'd say that. I've slowly began to hate my mom (or at least really dislike her)... to tell you the truth. ....BUT since I do have an underlying fear that I am just as horrible as my mom... then I will do my very best (....even though I know how hard and painful it will be) to call myself a two so I can fix myself.

My sister is a type nine. Type nines are not lazy. My sister had the will power to get into Medical School ...I don't have that kind of will power to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, but that doesn't make me a type nine. Type nines, or at least my sister, like it when others make decisions for them (her twin thinks she dependent like that). I'd rather do my shopping alone because I need the quiet time. And I can be quite abrasive (at least at home... towards my mother) when my private space is invaded. My mom thinks I am joking when I being rude to her... I won't tell her this... but I really really really can't stand her. My sister is more calm about it.

...I haven't accumulated much knowledge on type 6. But those or what I've thought about.

 

[mintleaf]

...hm, well I do relate a bit to 9. I used to think I was a nine. I haven't looked too much into six, but it is possible.

In terms of what I've been typed as in the past: 2--> it's possible. I don't know if I am a two. My mom is one... and I am just not so sure if that's correct for me. I didn't want to disagree with those who think that way, but I've met three 2s. My mom is one, and I ...can't see the connection. I roomed with a two ...still don't see the connection. The girl who helped me study for a psychology final was a two... and although I lthought she was really amazing... I am not sure if I relate to her. Whenever I talk to her, I feel like we have separate issues.

I am afraid of being a two because of their inability to realize that they need to work on themselves. I remember asking my mom one time (before I got into enneagram) if she thought she cared about improving who she was. She said no.... I cried. I couldn't believe that I was related to a person who'd say that. I've slowly began to hate my mom (or at least really dislike her)... to tell you the truth. ....BUT since I do have an underlying fear that I am just as horrible as my mom... then I will do my very best (....even though I know how hard and painful it will be) to call myself a two so I can fix myself.

My sister is a type nine. Type nines are not lazy. My sister had the will power to get into Medical School ...I don't have that kind of will power to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, but that doesn't make me a type nine. Type nines, or at least my sister, like it when others make decisions for them (her twin thinks she dependent like that). I'd rather do my shopping alone because I need the quiet time. And I can be quite abrasive (at least at home... towards my mother) when my private space is invaded. My mom thinks I am joking when I being rude to her... I won't tell her this... but I really really really can't stand her. My sister is more calm about it.

...I haven't accumulated much knowledge on type 6. But those or what I've thought about.

it sounds like many aspects of life are painful for you right now, and if that's true, I'm so sorry. I understand the hurt of knowing that people close to you don't care about the impact they have on others. (assuming this is the case, considering she doesn't want to improve herself?)

I don't see the point of calling yourself a two so you can fix yourself... If you're not a 2, then the downsides of 2s probably won't apply to you and you would be focusing on faults that you don't even have. Or did I misunderstand what you were saying?

I have zero experience in typing people, so it's hard for me to guess at your type. Here's a questionnaire I found, though. I might be able to give you some decent feedback on your answers, but hopefully more experienced typists will have seen this thread by then.

 

[thoughtlost]

it sounds like many aspects of life are painful for you right now, and if that's true, I'm so sorry. I understand the hurt of knowing that people close to you don't care about the impact they have on others. (assuming this is the case, considering she doesn't want to improve herself?)

I don't see the point of calling yourself a two so you can fix yourself... If you're not a 2, then the downsides of 2s probably won't apply to you and you would be focusing on faults that you don't even have. Or did I misunderstand what you were saying?

I have zero experience in typing people, so it's hard for me to guess at your type. Here's a questionnaire I found, though. I might be able to give you some decent feedback on your answers, but hopefully more experienced typists will have seen this thread by then.

Um, I don't think my life is all that troubling. I just tend to be hard on myself and I do wish I had a friend who'd sit with me and let me think about it with them ...but that's about it. Thanks for at least trying to understand me...

Actually, I do think you understand what I am saying for the most part. And you're right... calling myself a two if I am not a two wouldn't help me... it's just that I trying to not to deny the evil that's deep inside of me or at least make myself feel better for being the way way I am by saying that I am better than most everyone else, lol.

But anyway, don't worry about me. I can be melodramatic like that. I'll see if I have the energy to work on the questionnaire (hopefully my beloved KPOP music doesn't distract me though...)

Thanks for your help.

 

[thoughtlost]

sorry -double post.

 

[thoughtlost]

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?

Well, I don't think I totally know. When I moved schools sophomore year of high school I was a pretty bubbly and happy kid until I realized that everyone else around me was better than me. They were smarter than me, did more extra-curriculars, did sports. Of course, I usually get goodish grades and I played sports when I was little and sometimes did stuff outside of school… but for some reason I was "driven" to do just as much as everyone else and I eventually burned myself out. I joined too many clubs (it wasn’t that much compared to others… but my heart wasn't in it so it made it much worse) and I took classes that I probably wasn't truly into (even the art class I wanted to take turned into a competition for me ...I would quietly beat myself up for not being as good as others). I remember trying to study for a chemistry exam and my brain shut off… it was a scary time.

I don't know what drives me now… I've been pretty withdrawn from wanting anything in life...

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

I don't know… I think I want to reveal my inspiring insights to the world. People tend to think that I should write a book or something because I have a unique way of understanding/perceiving/thinking about things. And I am interested in psychology, physics, biology (especially neuroscience), and other things because I tend to see how different thoughts connect and reveal something hidden or unique (or just plain cool) about our lives.

I always joke with myself saying that if I get my Ph.D. in neuroscience I'd be one of those professors who made their students design a dance to express their love for science instead of making them actually learn it xDDDD I mean, hey… knowledge is useful, but I want people to understand the beauty behind it.

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?

...I don't know… I don't think I know what I avoid… but I know what I am driven towards. Sometimes I want to be as level headed as my type 9 sister and I used to want to be chill like my brother. Or I will want to be as sweet as my type 9 friends (...yes… I think type 9s are amazing), or I want to be as willful as my mommy-friend (in high school I had this friend who cared for me in ways that I don't really understand… but she was like my personal mother… I feel like she sensed my inner childishness/feeling totally lost and decided to be my guide/support… ).

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
It used to be that I wasn't good enough . It's not that I actually think I am not good enough it's just that everyone else around me are so much better than I could ever be. Some people are much more calm and logical, some ...are just simply so amazing that words can't describe it ...there're like the epitome of the most perfect human ever without even trying. They are smart, talented, independent, confident, and freakishly insightful and actually practice what they preach.

Now my fear is that I will remain broken.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself? I don't know how I'd want others to see me. I tend to actively disagree with people /assert my unique understanding of things because 1) I actually think other people's ideas are lame 2) because it is important to see things your own way… I mean, it's like having everyone love Harry Potter… it just doesn’t make sense to me. The way I experience the world will always be different from how others do… so yeah.

I see myself as daydreamy (...cause it's true -_-") I can’t focus on the real world as long as I should. I hate using my hands for too long since it forces me to be away from my thoughts/self. I am too much of an "internal" person to want to lose myself in work that isn't deeply important to me. But, that is most things… so I enjoy being in la la land or idea land where I can spin ideas however I want to.

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?

I feel at my best when I am by myself… hidden in my own little world where I can smile or laugh at myself. In high school, one of my favorite things to do was to go around my house take pictures of random things that had the potential to look interesting even though it never did. Now I just like to sit and think (...well I've always liked that xD). I feel at my worst when I am around others who make me suppress myself. Like right now, a friend is in my living room and I don't like it because he's distracting me from my thoughts (he's too much of a happy/chill child for me). So yeah… sometimes I don't like being around others even though I don't hate them.

7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.

Anger… I don't feel like I get angry too much ...I get annoyed easily (so if my type 2 mother starts tending to a crowd when she is in the middle of talking to me I get annoyed). I get angry at my mom because she interrupts my alone time. I get angry with my sister because she ...well, there is no reason to get angry with her ...I just get moody and I don't want her to talk to me.

Shame … I don't know. I feel shame when I don't measure up.

Anxiety… I can feel anxiety about how I can lose my sense of self ...just by living xDDD

8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.

I am not that great with stress… I can handle it in two ways… I ignore what causes me stress (like studying) because I decide that it's not important to me. Or I feel that whatever is causing me stress is wicked important so I must do ALL OF THE HOMEWORKS …-_-" I used to be okay with unexpected change like if I have to move, but even expected changes freak me out because I get so comfortable with how I currently deal with things. I am okayish with conflict depending on who it's with. If it's a fight between my brother and my dad… it's fucking scary (I feel like my dad is about to disown my brother or something drastic) so I'll hide in my room and turn up the music. But if it's between my sisters and my dad/mom then I don't care because I know things will turn out okay.

9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these? I am pretty okay with authority. I don't hate them, but sometimes I don't like how they expect me to be professional. I just want to be myself. I am not too interested in power. I could care less about money or influencing others to do something.

10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
I don't know. My overall outlook is that I don't really want to live this current life that I am given because I know it can't offer me what I want. I want something much more beautiful. And humanity is okay. There is good and bad to it, but I don't desire to be a part of it. For example, I've always been attracted to people who think they are above everyone else because they see things other people don't. Example: Light from Death Note ....SEXY BEAST!!!

 

[thoughtlost]

...If you don't mind, thought I'd bring this up again.

...I can no longer discount 6 or 9. Especially 6.

When I am not being zany/silly, I feel insecure and small (and even when I silly I still feel small). Someone helped me (indirectly) come to the realization that the only reason why my roommate makes me feel like she truly proud of being my friend is because she finds me convenient (I am pretty accommodating and easy-going) and that I should be careful because if all of a sudden I am not longer and easy catch she'll just drop me a like a hot potato. I didn't notice this before because she's seemed very adamant about how loyal she'd be to me... (she a very adamant and opinionated person in general... she scares me, to be honest).

I am not mad at her or anything like that; I never expected her to feel so comfortable around me ...I just go with the flow and I am just happy that she is happy chilling with me. Still, it has reframed my internal stance. I don't know how to put it into words. I am okay with this because I understand that human relationships can be fickle like this. Before this realization, I was pretty lost in a chill state where everyone around me was at peace.

I think people around me are still at peace, but now I have a strong desire to remove myself before things change. For example: My roommate (let's call her Chris) and I tend to procrastinate and get a late night dinner. I enjoy doing it because I enjoy walking, I enjoy being in her presence and I enjoy ...just being chillaxed with her (even though I end up beating myself up for agreeing with her when I have hw to do). But ...now I feel like I should do my best to avoid her but... if I do that... it might ruin the peace even faster.

All in all: I never asked for such a pleasant situation, though I am happy that things are good so far between us (even though I don't get much hw done). But now that I know this situation can change into something much less pleasant, I am not quite sure how to orient myself to the world (and yes, I mean this in a global sense).

...And now my armpits smell, I guess I forgot to put on deodorant xDDDD

how do you 6s2s4s9s8s10sallofthenumbers relate and what does this mean about the essence of my ephermeral soul?

 

[thoughtlost]

[MENTION=15963]Devi[/MENTION],

I think 6w7 could work to an extent.... idk

If being six can mean that you're generally pliable and that I let other people wear the pants and stuff. OK. I feel like that's my problem these days. I just wish I had more of a stance (but at the same time having a stance makes me uncomfortable).

edit:: Just curious, although I was already thinking 6 (although I was unsure about the wing) what was your thought process? maybe it's different from mine...

 

[Stansmith]

9w1 - 6w7 - 2w1 So/Sx

 

[thoughtlost]

Ohai [MENTION=18664]Stansmith[/MENTION]

So I am going to continue procrastinating and ask you... so are you saying 9 is my core and not 6? Why?

 

[Stansmith]

Ohai [MENTION=18664]Stansmith[/MENTION]

So I am going to continue procrastinating and ask you... so are you saying 9 is my core and not 6? Why?

Actually, never mind. Core-6w7 sounds about right.

 

[thoughtlost]

[MENTION=15963]Devi[/MENTION]...

I definitely believe that I am headish. It's hard for me to enjoy my surroundings (or even truly value other humans). Although other people do exist in body (their bodies do exist), I belief that everyone is just a figment of my imagination/extension of my mind. ...Hence why I don't actually feel like I have friends even though I am friendly. So anytime I interact with others... I am just interacting with myself.

It's a strange existence.

 

[violet_crown]

Without reading a word of anything you've written ENFP 6w7 so/sx

 

[thoughtlost]

Without reading a word of anything you've written ENFP 6w7 so/sx

*in southern accent* Well, that's some skill you got there.

Anyway, I just don't trust the ENFP part because ...I don't know how to put it into words. I just feel like you guys just use ENFP as a catch-all for someone whose quirky. Why should I have Fi and not Fe?

 

[Avocado]

*in southern accent* Well, that's some skill you got there.

Anyway, I just don't trust the ENFP part because ...I don't know how to put it into words. I just feel like you guys just use ENFP as a catch-all for someone whose quirky. Why should I have Fi and not Fe?

ENTP, then?
They are quirky...

 

[violet_crown]

*in southern accent* Well, that's some skill you got there.

Anyway, I just don't trust the ENFP part because ...I don't know how to put it into words. I just feel like you guys just use ENFP as a catch-all for someone whose quirky. Why should I have Fi and not Fe?

Because.

 

[violet_crown]

*in southern accent* Well, that's some skill you got there.

Anyway, I just don't trust the ENFP part because ...I don't know how to put it into words. I just feel like you guys just use ENFP as a catch-all for someone whose quirky. Why should I have Fi and not Fe?

Because.

 

[thoughtlost]

ENTP, then?
They are quirky...

...No. I do not think that Ne means quirky. According to what I've read so far, Ne doms (or P doms) are the ones who live their lives lawlessly. I am not too certain that means right now, but I don't think it means quirky.