I’ve been looking deeper into the Enneagram, and would appreciate any attempts to type me. I recently had a MBTI typing thread (http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...d-type-me.html), if you would like to check it out. Sorry for creating both of these threads so quickly, but well… what can I say. Not knowing what type I am is frustrating.
I used to think I was a 4w5 or 5w4, but now I’m not so sure. I think 1, 4, 5, 6, or 9 would be an option in some convoluted tritype. Certainly not 8, 3, or 2. One description of a 9w1 really resonated with me (the so/sx: http://personalitycafe.com/type-9-fo...stackings.html) It’s hard for me to relate to any of the instincts, although on most types, I score social first.
I guess I will just say a few things about myself. I would be happy to fill out a questionnaire, but I’ve already filled out some questions in the MBTI thread, and, well… I kind of just want to write randomly. Unless you’d like me to fill out more information; which I would be way too happy to do.
Some basic information: I am in my early 20s; just graduated from college. I don’t have any disorders/conditions (except my leg keeps hurting after I jog and I really ought to figure out if that’s runner’s knee or whatever) you should be aware of. I have been stressed out the last month or so about finding a job. I’m waiting to hear back about whether I will get a grant to support this great research position at a psychology lab that I’ve been working in for quite a while. If I get that, all will go smoothly, I will work on interesting research for a gap year before going off to graduate school. If I don’t get that, I will briefly devolve into an emotional mess, and then have to get a real job via a real, terrifying, application process, in this horrible economy. Anyway. My point was, that might be contributing to some currently expressed stress or avoidance of stress.
I understand the Enneagram is related to childhood patterns, so, let’s talk about childhood. Let’s talk about a major, umm, episode, from my childhood. I used to be intensely religious. Every night I begged forgiveness for my tiny crimes of white lies and "thinking bad thoughts." (not even sexual thoughts, but thoughts that weren’t nice/enthusiastic/social enough; I’m talking incredibly ridiculous depths of shame here) I remember going to this summer camp that was mostly cool except for the crazy episode where these women started speaking in tongues and telling me to pray so that I could speak in tongues. I was really uncomfortable with them being so close to me and telling me what to do, but I also felt like a failure because I couldn’t speak in tongues. In middle/high school, I also researched Christian apologetics because I needed to be absolutely certain Christianity was true. I struggled a lot with my lack of faith, my desire to have external evidence for Christianity, and the obvious contradiction between needing evidence and wanting faith. (I guess the one thing I’ve kept from this period is my tendency to research things I care about and filing away information to support my arguments in lots of poorly labeled folders and Word documents.)
In late high school and college I suddenly dropped my religion. Not like a hot potato. I just sort of gently loosened my grasp and it rolled away under the table. I’ve been far too unmotivated to reach under the table and see if it’s even still there. So, basically, I didn’t have any great realization; I was just tired about thinking about hell and trying to live up to ridiculous standards. Now I'm an agnostic atheist (there might be a god, but I don't think so), although I sometimes have the desire to research religions - see if any seem true. Part of my rejection (not the right word, really. My release?) of religion probably came from some general liberalizing tendencies of college, and my growing interest in social issues. I am repulsed by some beliefs of conservative religions that contribute to inequality/discrimination, but I am also determined not to be one of those obnoxious atheists that tries to de-convert people. In general, I think people should believe what they will as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody, directly or indirectly. Although if their rhetoric is harmful, maybe they should shut up about their beliefs, haha.
Religion or not, I wouldn't mind having a philosophy. I sometimes feel quite unfulfilled because I don't have an overarching philosophy of life. Someday, I suppose. I probably won’t go back to Christianity, unless it’s incredibly liberal (but what’s the point of me believing in an incredibly liberal Christianity? Truth claims… arghhh never mind! I don’t want to alienate anyone with my confusing religious musings) I have been considering humanism. My trouble with some philosophical ideas is that I don't want to limit myself to one - just like the various theories of psychology (psychology major here), all can be true at the same time.
Sorry about these tangents. I would edit them out except they might show more about my personality. Back to my childhood. I always liked to draw and create stories with my older sister and a friend. I still have many characters that I have created without actually writing stories to go along with them. My mind is always populated with a variety of aliens, fantasy creatures, worlds, and characters that I continually develop, forget, toss into stories, and develop more. I was influenced by Animorphs and Star Wars, and other sci-fi/fantasy things, although I always liked to focus more on my own things than on things other people had created. I’ve always been one of those people who doesn't watch much TV, so I was and am often ignorant of music, movies, and particularly celebrities/actors. Why do they deserve so much worship, I wonder? But I have been grudgingly considering watching a couple popular shows just so I can stop being out of the loop with my friends.
Some other childhood patterns: hmm. I was fairly close with my ISFJ mom, and she was always there for me, although she came across as overbearing sometimes. She was the religious one, so she probably was happy that I took notes in church and in my Bible like a serious little - wait am I allowed to curse on this forum? Never mind. I think she was sometimes relieved that I made things easier compared to my older sister, who didn’t care much for religion and who resisted parental authority more than me. I usually gave into my parents for little things, and didn’t argue about the more important things, although I often disagreed with my parents’ beliefs. She never really participated when I tried to talk about politics, personality, or what I learned in class though. I could talk to my dad about that, although he tends to dominate conversations. I was the one who indirectly stopped my mom from going to church, though. She didn't like going alone, and my sister was still willing to do this for her, but I just started refusing to go, citing schoolwork as the reason (senior year of high school, I think). Although I rarely said anything, I disliked the people in my Bible class. They seemed so entitled, and the gospel of prosperity they hinted at pissed me off, since my family didn’t have much money. (Also, I hated wearing skirts. Now skirts and I have come to an agreement.) Speaking of money, I always was incredibly conservative with it. Before college, I would go months without buying anything. Of course, I didn’t have a really “real” job (and had little desire for one), but I still made some money that I always saved. I’m still fairly cheap, but as a functional adult, I’ve gotten used to buying things. About my dad, I always admired his intellectualism and social poise, but he worked so much that I rarely saw him. My relationship with him got a little rocky later. (He's ESTP? ENTP? Probably an 8)
I had trouble making friends, although I had a few close ones. Quite introverted, I came across as a typical goodie two-shoes who almost cried the few times I got in trouble, always did my work, enjoyed writing and showing it to my teachers, and hated formal clothes. (In middle school, I refused to wear jeans for some reason? I only wore athletic pants. I also expressed my affection for my close friends by punching them, and they stole my hair ties and made me chase after them? So I had some violent tendencies, but only towards close friends. I should stop writing within parentheses so much; sorry) A girl tripped me once, and then a year later started acting like we were friends. I loathed her with a quiet intensity. Maybe if she had apologized for her previous faults, I would've not come to associate her name with pure evil. In high school, I spent my free time after I quickly finished all my work (although in college, I had access to fast internet instead of Dial-up, so I promptly started procrastinating a lot more) watching cartoons, writing angsty poems, writing in my journal, drawing, debating online, researching Christianity (as I said), and occasionally having sleep-overs where I tried to get friends to reveal their innermost secrets without revealing mine.
As you might guess, I find my childhood to be kind of... unfortunate without being awful? Mediocre? Boring? Obnoxious? Not that I’m much better now, but at least I try! I think I come across as studious and nervous… someone who laughs more than contributing, although I analyze what’s being said later. I think I’ve gotten a little happier over the years. At least I care more about people and am more motivated to do cool things. Oddly, I used to see no benefit to talking to people who I wasn’t already friends with. I know. I just wanted to make all As in high school, while dealing with a few close friends and one crush who I joked with in person and obsessed over afterwards. After attending a summer camp in my junior year of high school, I suddenly realized, oh wow, talking to people is fun, small talk can sometimes be broken through into the realm of fascinating conversations, and even though I’m bad at that, there is something to be said for making connections with other people. It was a really odd breakthrough to even need to have. Afterwards, I was still socially awkward, but I went from “I will not talk to the person sitting by me to class because who cares” to “that person looks like a cool potential friend but I can’t think of a good conversation starter!” Another issue: maintaining steady contact with my internet friends. I have this one friend who I haven’t spoken to in forever, and I continually am afraid to talk with him but also really want to. I guess I’m afraid that he’ll realize I’m not really worth his time.
Whew, this felt like a confessional! Uh, not to end it on that note… What drives me today? Oh, I don’t know. I long for deeper connection and meaning to my life, but still have issues motivating myself and getting outside my room. I like overanalyzing things, talking about politics and social issues, reading webcomics, crying over webcomics, and creating stories that will never go anywhere. My future plans include sky-diving (I feel like quoting something about the joys of flight. Although, realistically, I’m not sure if that is the power I would want if I could be granted any power…), writing a book (I know; everyone says they will do this), decidedly refraining from having children so I can do what I want with my life (without necessarily having a high-paid job. Look, as long as I can support myself and a cat or two, and can have high-speed internet and trail mix, then I am fine), and doing some low-key traveling. I will eventually be really proud to have my PhD and will hopefully have enjoyed all the research I have done. Research is great. I doubt my abilities to be a functional adult in relationships, so maybe I’ll just live in a hippie-style commune with some friends, where once a week I can cook some vegetarian meal and go for long walks at night. Anything’s possible. Maybe I’ll experience some sexual enlightenment and get into polyamory; who can say?
I feel awkwardly self-indulgent writing something like this. This is kind of long too, so I'm not expecting much. Any attempts to say what Enneagram type/instinct I am would be much appreciated!