Hello, I am questioning my type.
First, I am contradictory. I have distinct (albeit rather subtle) characters that are equally as me as not me, they are 99% of what people see. The rest is the actual me, the being. Good luck describing that. Who I am is permanent and changes by the hour.
I am moody and whimsical much of the time. There are times where I am very strict, but it usually must include some vast amount of personal interest on my part. I toy with the idea of dropping out of school and/or killing myself when I have something do or have to get up early.
I am analytical and tend to be rational, at least outwardly (much to my dismay). I tend to believe in the transience of reason into direct knowing and soulful passion. I want to be alive, awake, and free.
I frequently feel dead, stagnant, indifferent, bored out of my mind. Sometimes I get myself “in trouble” trying to liven things up, other times I just withdraw and introspect and stare at the wall while listening to angsty music.
I have to connect with something, I have to be high off an idea (the idea of a person, a new obsession, an insight, etc.) to be alive. Otherwise it just feels like I am sitting around waiting for something to happen, for life to start.
I and driven internally by forces I seek to understand and abide by. First thought, best thought. I want to be a visionary and creative. I have no real, cultivated talent though. I feel a sense of time crunch, of pressure to get a move on with my dreams and my development as a person. I cannot just wait for it, it should have been here 5 months ago! Where is it?! Which brings up the question, what is it? It, to me, is the defining moment—the revolution and the revelation, the rapture and transformation that I have been waiting for, it is the peak, the climax, it is life and death, my intiation by fire, it is when things get real.
My downfall, if indeed I will have one, is lack of self-discipline. I’m not a person who takes well to doing things because. I need a reason, I need meaning, I need a sense that this is all go somewhere, anywhere or I’m apt to consider what I am doing a waste of my precious time. My favorite things to think about include me (Who am I, really/ What am I doing here? Etc.), unseen and or unknowable things* (My Essence/Higher Self, the Afterlife, my Spiritual Teachers, etc.), and stories/narratives (the projected future, fictional worlds I’ve read about, people “created” by me, etc.). I find most things dull and beneath me (chores, money, jobs, school, etc.). I need big, bold, more.
I am a strange person and I get off on being strange. I like to give my classmates the impression that I am a serial killer despite my semi-pacifistic leanings. I find it amusing. I’m super quiet. More awkward than shy. I’m loner and a rebel. I believe in doing what I want and now giving to much thought to others. The highest compliment you could pay would be to say that I am a bitch. I am compassionate, can be generous with money (but not time), have good listening skill and can deal with other’s grief and problems. I’m deep according to others, an old soul, and even wise. If only they knew. I am not a particularly honest person at all times, though in other ways I am too honest and frank. I want to be extraordinary but fear I am mediocre.
If there is anything else you need to know, ask.