Eventually, that is.
I haven't had much luck on PerC, so I'm here and yeah cool right
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It's not that I don't understand myself, because I do; I only fear I have not learned the application of Enneagram theory well enough in regards to myself. Perhaps I am too young to fully have a type, though I've settled into the MBTI type of INTJ quite well. But I've gone through just about every type as a possibility - and here's what I can deduce.
- I'm not a 2, 7, 8, or 9.
- I relate strongly to each heart, head, and gut triads.
- I am most likely not a reactive type, though the possibility still remains.
- I relate to each type in some way or another.
For ease, I've filled a questionnaire out.
What age range are you in?
I prefer not to disclose my age publicly. I will say, however, that I'm considerably younger than the average TC user.
Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
I have a history of severe anxiety, as well as some lingering trauma from childhood neglect, and depersonalization that fluctuates in intensity. I'm alright now, though.
Overall, I would say I am of average health.
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
Isn't the subjectivity of life part of what makes it so fascinating? One universal purpose would make life much, much grayer. In all seriousness, though, I strive for personal happiness and success. Short-term goals include completing an above average education to ensure financial stability, a personal sense of achievement, and a career I enjoy doing. Even more short-term, having self control with what I eat, and loosening up, so to speak. I'm not naturally a social person, though I do deeply desire to interact with groups, individuals, and the world.
2. What were you like as a kid?
Dictatorial, tyrannical, hyperactive.
I imposed my pretensions on other children, but at heart, I was a bright, creative, and curious child. I could not control my temper for the first eight years or so, unfortunately. I was a go-getter.
I even invented 'personal assistants', where I would pay other children to do my bidding. Eventually, that got banned from the classroom - excuse me for being business-minded.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
I was previously quite close to my mother, now I am close to my father. However, even as a child, I was uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, and I still am. It feels wrong to give too much of myself to others, and that makes me colder than perhaps I'd like to be.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
All of my values are very, very important to me. I consider them to be fair and respectful of different ideologies and so on, but they are, for the most part, non-negotiable.
My most prominent value is probably equal rights. However, values that are unrelated to morality are much more flexible.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
Perhaps not characterized, but flavored. Social anxiety, a fear of being wrong, a fear of appearing incompetent, a fear of rejection, a fear of failure - those are the most prominent ones, the ones I still have today, the ones that bother me most deeply.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
b.) How do you want others to see you?
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
a.) I see myself as a lot of things. I consider myself to be very self-aware (painfully so at times). I have good qualities and I have faults. Some of my good qualities are how I naturally see many sides of a situation, my intelligence, my love for intellectual endeavors, my wit, my creativity, and my ability to project whatever persona I should choose. Some of my faults include my rigidity, my inability to see myself as wrong on matters that are not concrete (based in fact), my emotional aloofness, and my condescending attitude.
b.) I want others to see me as ingenious, wise, accomplished, different, and deep. I also want them to see me as funny, helpful, and polite.
c.) I dislike a lack of logic behind emotions and actions. I dislike inconsistency. I dislike being ignored. I dislike hypocrisy. I dislike projection. I dislike being talked down to. I dislike feeling judged. I dislike people who gossip harshly about people behind their backs (admittedly, this is less about values and more about my own insecurities).
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. - 2
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you - 1
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. - 3
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
It takes me wherever I want it to, really! I have self control over my train of thought. Realistically, I am quite spacey and unaware of the world around me. My mind wanders constantly.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I am accomplished, appreciated, working on something I enjoy, having a good time, or being included in a group. I feel my worst when I am anxious, depressed, lazy, or left out.
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) I have a good hold on my anger, though admittedly, I am a control freak and can become irrationally aggressive when challenged. Little things make me angrier than outright insults. Generally, I strive to be level-headed, and outbursts seem so tasteless now that I'm older...I think I'm more forgiving of other people's anger than I am my own. I might react by shutting myself out from others and brooding for a while, then distracting myself from whatever made me angry. Otherwise, I will assertively challenge the other person's opinion.
b.) I feel shame towards my body, at times. I feel shame when I fall short on something I try to do, and I feel shame when I'm wrong about something. Shame generally makes me close in on myself.
c.) I have long struggled with anxiety to the point of frequent panic attacks, but I generally deal with anxiety by either trying to solve what is making me so anxious or rationalizing the situation in my mind, if it is beyond my control. I very much like having control.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
b.) negative unexpected change
a.) Depends on the kind of stress. Some stress can be good, it can push you to do something you've been putting off, and I am a notorious procrastinator even though it makes me feel miserable. Overwhelming stress makes me feel like escaping.
b.) I do like planning things, so negative unexpected change bothers me quite a bit. Sometimes, it can get me really upset. But usually, I sort of deal with it; you can't change everything, so why bother trying?
c.) I try to sort out conflict so it doesn't go un-addressed. Perhaps that makes me seem like someone who always needs to have the last word, but I find it far more beneficial to talk things out than to let them build up until it all boils over.
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
a.) I think I generally gravitate towards a leadership role. Perhaps not prime executive, but the one who plans out what everyone will do and when. This can be a positive thing and it can be a negative thing. I can't stand passivity, though, so I don't like to be just 'a follower'. (So average and plain.)
b.) I try to handle power well, but I can, admittedly, become a bit of a dictator about it.
c.) Yes, if the authority is corrupt or inappropriate. Not all authority gives me an immediate negative reaction. I suppose I'm not incredibly sensitive to it unless someone is challenging the authority that I hold.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Motivations, perhaps; I think I see through facades pretty skillfully, even those that are carefully placed. I also see solutions to people's problems. I consider myself to be very good at giving advice.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I hate to misplace my trust in people, and I can be very aloof, but trust is never incredibly stable for me in the first place. I don't see the world as a struggle between non-trustworthy and trustworthy, but I think it is important to pay attention to who is really your friend and who is not.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
I do my own thing, I suppose; it hasn't influenced my responses.
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)
- To constantly push yourself to be “the best" - I have to be successful to be happy, though I follow my own standards for success, or at least I try to.
- To be without needs, well-intentioned
- To replace direct experience with concepts- I don't have much direct experience with the world, so I learn all I can about what I have not experienced.
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else - I can't help but think I'm missing things that would make me happier.
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance - This is a bit iffier. I consider myself able to make my own decisions, but I become indecisive when it's something I'm not very knowledgeable about, and I go to others for confirmation of my own suspicions, not for actual reassurance, if that makes any sense.
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself - Kind of speaks for itself.
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient
What's something you are: a.) thankful you have b.) wish you could have? Why?
I can answer these both at once because they're related. I'm thankful I have the ability to see things from different perspectives and to not have my judgement clouded by my own subjective beliefs, but at the same time, I think I have an odd way of processing things. I pause and think about how to react to something, how I should feel about something, whether to my own standards or to someone else's. It's strange. I almost wish I could be comfortable with expression, not feel like I'm giving too much of myself away, freely react to things without having to process it first, know how it feels to live completely in the moment - something I rarely do.
I got a bit lazy at the end there, forgive me. Anyways. I have my own suspicions, but I'll withhold them for now because I want to see what you all think based on my answers. And if you want to give a go at guessing my tritype or instinctual variant, go ahead, although I believe my instinctual variant is so/sx or sx/so.