I am "trying on" sp/sx 4w3 and this thread is both for me to gather my thoughts and your opinions. Please feel free to suggest an alternative typing and pose any questions that may occur to you.
I am a loner — I have not had a friend for several years and this is neither here nor there to me. I do get lonely for romantic and sexual reasons, but I think I fear real intimacy. My public persona (when I am not being a hermit), is one of polite indifference — aloofly formal. I am also very introverted in the traditional sense, I have my own internal world which is just as real to me as the "actual" world. I enjoy and appreciate things that contribute to my inner world like poetry, spirituality, and music. Likewise I am very imaginative, though nowhere near as talented as I wish I was.
Though this is hard to quantify, I do hold myself to be a more emotionally centered person (that or I am weak). I tend to fantasize nigh constantly, which results in a large amount of emotional stimulation. I find myself ashamed of my emotions, so I do attempt to deal with them. However, I am frequently restless and unhappy, sometimes sad and longing, and occasionally suicidal. I also tend to feel great happiness at times — it would not be inaccurate to say that I amplify and ruminate upon any trigger, almost (at times) masochistically juicing it until I feel like I have dealt with it.
I would not consider myself particularly envious in the traditional sense of jealousy or keeping up with the Joneses. When I take a broader view of envy as the discounting of what is for what could and should be, envy then could be seen as the discounting of the now for the future/past, the real world for the fantasy life, and the actual self for an idealized image. Through this lens envy seems to be a major problem in my life. The pain of Envy is the pain of denying the true nature of the self in favor of an empty and transient ideal idol.
I would not call my self-image unstable, as I perceive there to be a core essential element at the root of my personality. However I am very contradictory — imagine two extremes, say between an overly inflated view of the self as special and a horribly deflated view of the self as defective, then transfix each position onto the opposite end of pole positioned vertically and rotate it with any speed that you desire. This experience of certain aspects of myself, as a mercurial and irrational, leads me to feeling fake along with my emotional nature.
I find understanding, realizing, and manifesting my true self in the world to be of primary importance. Every day I contemplate who I am, what I believe, how I would or do react, I rehash old conversations and events, and simulate new ones in my head, how I come across to others, etc., but I do tend to feel like there is something holding me back. I am fat, so I don't feel free to live my life, escape my crippling self-consciousness, or even be in public at times. I sequester myself in the shell and prison of my protection, effectively cutting my self off from any chance at being the person I feel that I was born to be.
I am supremely self-indulgent. I rarely make myself do anything that I do not wish to — such as going to school, seeking employment, chores, or even bathing on some days, I have tended to be willfully irresponsible. Furthermore, and all the more troubling, is my tendency to give into my every whim — I have relatively little ability and far less willingness to deny myself, even for my own good. I understand, quite well in fact, how my self-indulgence is destroying me and will inevitably result in a downward spiral. Yet, I am uncertain whether or not I will find the motivation or the fear in me to ever truly change this pattern.
I pity myself for what I do to myself! Is it a wonder that I tend to feel disdain, if not outright self-loathing? I am a rather sensitive person — to the feel of materials against my skin, to sun, to heat, to pain, to criticism, to emotional triggers, to imagination triggers, and so. I am rather effete and fear I will not be able bear the at times coarse and cruel nature of the world. I am the only person to blame for who I have become. I am my own worst enemy, but I am not without my positive points. I consider myself earnest, introspective, contemplative, imaginative, reasonably intelligent, curious, deep, passionate, understanding of others, a great appreciator of beauty and elegance, and quite whimsical.