I mean IMing not video-chatting. I'm gwenalyn17. Seriously, I need help.
I'm going to post journal entries I wrote here from when I was really, really unhealthy(I'm talking suicidal and depressed). So you might be able to how I behave when I'm unhealthy compared to how I am now.
January 4, 2012
"I think the experiences and lessons I learned 7th grade are finally starting to stick to me. I have this frenemy, well it's really complicated and all, and I thought about it, and I realized, there's no use in getting angry with her. That just gives her more power. One of my resolutions was to also look at things more clearly and I wasn't looking at things clearly for the past month. I realized she doesn't really put as much thought and care into our relationship as I do. I was being overly-obsessive. My behavior was also a violation of "Don't care too much whether someone dislikes or is upset with you." It kind of hurts because I actually care about what she thinks of me, as I do with strangers I've never met before in grocery stores. But now, it's gone, as it should be. I shouldn't care what she, or anyone thinks of me. Well. It'll never be gone but I'll just ignore that ache in my chest whenever I set eyes on her. Okay, that's being over-dramatic. Whatever relationship we had was never that good. That's one of the things I do that I hate. I always idealize the past and complain about the present. "The grass is always greener on the other side," is definitely a saying that definitely applies to me. This friendship was never meant to last, it was never much of a friendship in the first place. Ever. All the arguments, all the apathy, it hurts more than hatred. At least if she hated me, it would mean I'm worth her time. I guess that's what I was trying to do these past days and I realized, thinking about it, that it just isn't right for me to act towards her that way. It's not her fault, I don't blame her for not caring, just stating simple facts. I was being a full-out jerk. I had to get it all out though because I don't want to randomly explode on her anymore nor do I like our supposed frenemy-ship. In other words, I'm done with her, and it's over. I remembered a frenemyship I had last year. I remember what it was like full-blown at the very end of the year. I hated it. No words can describe how much I regret it.
The lesson I know I will learn from this is balancing out emotions. With this used to be frenemy, I couldn't full out be nice to her, I forbid myself from ever being nice to her actually. Though it isn't worth it. I either full-out hated her too. I think this will be a lesson in having more stable emotions. Which I'm grateful for."
May 23, 2011
"I always thought when people told each other to be themselves, they were just lying to make the other person feel better about themself. Because seriously, in our society, it's not about being yourself, we always constantly think about how our actions, thoughts, and words affect our friends, acquaintances, and even random strangers. And sometimes you have to care how your actions and words affects someone. For example, sometimes you have to dress differently for a different event, you shouldn't do it if you don't feel comfortable. But you should still be considerate of people's feelings, try to satisfy both you and the people around you but remember you should ALWAYS put yourself first. An example would this would be, if you had to attend your aunt's wedding but you feel very uncomfortable dress or suit, then don't wear it! But be considerate of your aunt's feelings, she probably wants everyone to dress nicely so don't wear your ratty jeans! Instead wear some nice jeans and a button-down if you're a guy, or a nice skirt/shorts with a blouse. You're comfortable in what you're wearing and your aunt is happy!
People tell you that whenever somebody is being themselves, they get lots of friends who like them for who they are. WRONG! It shouldn't be that way but whoever said the world was fair? Being yourself isn't about having other people like you, it's about being happy with yourself, knowing you wouldn't change a thing about yourself to fit into a mold somebody wants you to fit in. Being yourself is a very brave decision! It's putting yourself out there, flaws and all! But who knows? Maybe in the end, people will be wishing they didn't try to act like something they're not and respect you, even envy you! So be yourself! Even if you feel everyone would dislike you for it, even hate you, do it, YOU'LL feel happy in the end and that's what matters!"
I apologize for my past self's bad grammar and spelling. These were journal entries not online articles.