I've been lurking on this forum for a while endlessly trying to identify my personality type. I've come to the conclusion that I'm an INTP 5w4 (possibly 5w4, 4w5, 8w9 triad.. although I read that having both 5w4 and 4w5 is rare.. please elaborate as to why?) sx/sp/so (although could be sp/sx/so). Anyways I'm going to try to describe myself and I'd love to hear what you think! With as much time and research I've put into this you'd think I'd be pretty confident in my results, but I just feel overwhelmed by the possibilities and I fear that I'm typing myself incorrectly.
Ok here goes nothing, please bear with me as I have no idea where to start
Boiling myself down to a single point, I think I am driven by an unquenchable thirst for truth. I want to know completely- both myself and the world around me. I feel like I'm constantly searching, analyzing, and seeking for some ultimate truth, yet I'm extremely skeptical that such truth exists. The possibility that I'll never reach such truth is almost paralyzing. I feel like I can't possibly function in the real world without this truth (and I don't understand how anyone else can!) yet I have no idea how to attain it or what it is.
I spend a lot of my time trying to decipher truths through introspection, research (both by observing the world around me and by gathering information via the internet/books), and analyzing other people's behavior (motives/reasons for actions, their insecurities, what makes them tick and why, what they love, their personality type). I find that I often rely on my intuition and that these "truths" often seem to materialize out of thin air, even though I'm sure it's due to my keen observation and attention to patterns.
I struggle internally between intense feelings of nihilism (I agree that the world and life has no meaning and that human morals are merely contrived, also I have struggled immensely with believing in reality) and a reverence of nature. This summer I spent a lot of time wandering around local parks and forests and came to the conclusion that nature is perfection and that I, too, am perfect (since humans are just another species). On the one hand I believe this almost fully and I'm enamored by the death, destruction, rebirth, and oneness of everything. I believe this is where my 4 wing comes in, as I have no artistic talent but an abundant love for nature and expression (art museums are my favorite). I see my art as being my truth and personal philosophy. On the other I can't help but feel isolated and lost, overwhelmed by the expectations of the world.
I enjoy research and google everything. I can spend hours exploring a topic, very obsessively, and often have 15+ tabs open on my browser. I really enjoy nutrition, philosophy, psychology, chemistry, physics, math, religion, personality types , and much more. I do very well in school without exerting much effort (rarely do homework but ace tests and usually get A's). I rarely work on projects and I don't have hobbies, I purely like to research, learn, and gather information.
I'm fairly independent and like to figure things out for myself. I don't really trust other people's opinions. I wish I could only need myself. I'll comply with the rules as long as I believe in them, anything I don't agree with I see no need to follow. I strongly feel that no one should tell me what to do or think.
Most of the I don't feel my emotions until later, and I sure as hell don't understand them until I can have time alone to process everything. I find I either don't react at all (my 5 detaching itself from the situation) or I have a very strong uncontrollable surge of emotion that I can't decipher and react aggressively. I'm very introspective and often dig deep into myself to try to understand my emotions and reactions logically. This can happen minutes after an experience or even years later. My emotions are very raw and childlike, and I literally cry whenever I feel anything (usually anger or happiness). I often cry about things looooong after they happen, but I'm not crying because I'm sad (rarely feel sad) only because the emotion is so overwhelming and truth filled.
I rarely confront people, but if confronted or if I feel like my values are at risk I react aggressively. I usually try to argue my way out of things logically, but I also use my knowledge of peoples weaknesses to my advantage and can use very strong emotional blows :/ I usually only get angry/aggressive if I perceive that someone is trying to control me. I resist control immediately, even when it's beneficial to myself. One example of this is when my parents suggest a college to me. Even though it might be an amazing school the fact that they are trying to persuade me to go there feels like an attack and intrusion. I end up aggressively withdrawing even though I know they are just offering suggestions since I need to decide soon.
My emotions feel like revelations to me as I can finally understand why I've been acting a certain way. Usually I am very withdrawn and I prefer not to let people know what I'm feeling. I like to deal with them in my mind after an event.
I have a very hard time connecting to my family. Recently I realized that I feel as if I can't offer my parents what they want - an honest pure emotional bond, sharing stories and dinners, small talk, spending what I see as pointless time together. I can relate to them by discussing my favorite topics, sharing interests such as skiing and hiking, and analyzing our other family members; but i realize this isn't what they want. They just want to see and spend time bonding with me, but I can't.
I spend most/all of my time at home in my room alone. I prefer it that way and get EXTREMELY anxious and annoyed when anyone tries to intrude on my personal space/time. My parents don't understand this and are bothered by the amount of time I spend alone in my room, but I truly feel happy doing this and prefer it to the trivial interactions downstairs.
Both my mother and brother are extremely emotional and I feel very overwhelmed and confused by there actions; I try to understand them but fail and label their reasons/motives as invalid since they don't make sense (to me) logically.
I am pretty introverted and rarely talk to new people. I have a few very close friends and when I meet someone I really like and connect with the relationship is almost effortless and can develop very quickly. I feel separated from everyone, even my close friends. It's like a glass wall between me and the rest of world. When I'm hanging out with people I find myself constantly observing and analyzing their behavior without engaging in interactions, but at the same time close relationships make me feel more "real" and pull me back into the world (sx instinct i think?). People describe me as cold and aloof, a bit dark, but also mysterious, funny, and somehow alluring. People seem to be intrigued by me and I don't really know how to handle it, I usually ignore them.
I have a very sarcastic and kind of dark sense of humor, I like to make fun of others but usually I don't intend to harm them. I get very confused and withdraw if people expect things from me. I tend not to give or take, not wanting to get close to people or let them get close to me.
At the same time I have a deep longing to be in an intimate relationship, but so far I have never explored that area. I've never even been kissed. When I like someone I usually like them for a long time but never tell them. I have a horrible habit of fantasizing relationships (not sexual fantasies but like I imagine scenarios in which we are together), which allows me to feel close to that person, but I never act on these and feel discouraged by juxtaposition of my fantasies and reality. Once I've lived out the relationship in my head but nothing happens in reality I grow to resent that person, often ignoring them and removing them from my life to protect myself. "sx/sp - being your own personal cock block" -- I relate to this a ton. It's like a want a relationship but feel incapable of having one.
I definitely identify with the 5's basic desire to be capable and competent, and the fear of living in the real world. I also realate with 4's search for identity and their emotional intensity. I have the need to control myself and my environment like an 8, and feel aggressive if intruded on.
Here are some descriptions that I relate with
"Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment." - this is what I was trying to explain above, the quest for truth.
I'm also very indecisive and feel like there is always more information that I need to collect before I can make a good decision.
I am withdrawn and detached, dealing with my intense emotions after they've passed. They are so overwhelming that I need time to think about them and make sense of them before I can really feel them.
"As they become more impractical and fearful about their possibilities in life, one typical solution is to find emotional solace in various forms of self-indulgence—in alcohol, drugs, or sexual escapades." -- I smoke weed everyday and also enjoy shrooms, adderall, molly, and want to try acid. I feel very bored (almost constantly) and use these to escape reality. Plus I really love marijuana
"the desire to isolate the self from the world mixes with regret that it must be so. Intellectual conflicts make their emotional lives seem hopeless, while their emotional conflicts make intellectual work difficult to sustain."
"the ego element of type nine makes the 8w9 more aware of their impulses. an 8w9 is less likely to underestimate their power, like an 8w7. this awareness gives the 8w9 better impulse control than 8w7, so the 8w9 is less likely to strike out at others without being provoked first. they are much more likely to draw a line in the sand and dare you to cross it. however, 8w9s run the risk of bottling up their aggression and having it explode at inopportune moments." I often ignore/detach from my emotions and then let them out all at once. I try to do this alone, but I'm highly sensitive and if I get caught off guard I could explode.
"You need time alone to recharge and for others to not place high demands on your time or energy. It is essential for your well being that your mind is clear, your life uncluttered, and that you have the autonomy to control your time." -- I spend massive amounts of time alone researching (hoarding time and space)
"You fear annihilation, contamination, and being fully embodied – as you feel more comfortable being with your thoughts than in your body. Because you prefer to live a life that isn’t weighed down by attachments – either material or relational – you also avoid surplus of any kind. The one exception might be a library of resources." I am very independent and tend to freak out (either withdraw or become aggressive) if I feel someone is trying to control my thoughts or actions. I have a strong desire to live with just the bare necessities of life alone in a forest where I can spend my time reading, living off the land, and exploring. I want to be free of desire and dependence, to just need myself.
"Your spiritual path is to reclaim a sense of non-attachment and experience true omniscience– true knowing from a higher source. Spiritual growth will come when you offer freely of yourself to others without fear of incurring obligation and realize that mere information can never be a substitute for true direct knowing." - I definitely identify here I so far my "higher source" has been nature and it's perfection.
"This subtype is particularly aware of—and on the lookout for—the beauty in a mathematical formula, for example. For this subtype, beauty is one of the indications of truth, because the order which beauty represents is a confirmation of the objective rightness of an idea. One of the foremost strengths of healthy Fives with a Four-wing lies precisely in their intuition, since intuition helps them uncover areas of knowledge where their conscious thoughts have not yet ventured. The Four-wing adds a desire to find a unique, personal vision to the curiosity and perceptiveness of the Five, and the result is a propensity to “tinker” with familiar forms until they become something almost unrecognizable."- relate to the 4's emotion, intuition, and search for self identity.
"There can be an off-putting detachment from the environment, both because they are involved in their thoughts and because they are introverted and emotionally self-absorbed."-- my thoughts are very self absorbed as I am quite introspective.
"Both component types tend to withdraw from people and be reclusive. They can be highly creative and imaginative, envisioning alternate realities in great detail, but can get lost in their own cerebral landscapes. The Four-wing gives a propensity to fantasizing"
Sorry for all random bits of information, it's very hard for me to describe myself! Please please please ask me questions as I'm sure I left out a lot of key information.
Let me know if you think I've found my type or if you can relate to anything I've said!