think I posted about this one earlier, but I decided to fill out Spade's "what's my enneagram type" questionnaire from personality cafe to see if that would give a more accurate view of him.
without going to too much detail Yohan is 17 years old (though, he looks about 13). He has just retired from a 7 year vendetta as a commander/revolutionary and wants to get away from it all and start a new life. This questionnaire will be filled out from his perspective a few months after he accomplishes his 7 year goal of murdering his father.
I currently have him typed as an ENFP 1w9>2w1>7w6 Sx/Sp, but
- I could also see him as an 8w9 or a 1w2
- I could see him as an INFP or INTJ (he seems INFP overall, but, on the other hand, he seems like he has WAYYY too much Te to be an INFP. If he is an INFP, he is an INFP gone stress Te/Si for a LOOONG time)
- He is clearly an Sx dom, but I could see either Sx/Sp or Sx/So (I think Sx/Sp at the moment because his energy is generally more intense and contained)
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I’m looking to reconnect with my humanity. I feel dead on the inside and I want to remember what love and friendship feel like and get back in touch with myself. Right now though, I just want to be alone for awhile. I have a lot to think about.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I’m going back to school and starting over with a new name in the hopes of finding a new life with meaningful friendships and perhaps a relationship. Also, for once in my life, I want to experience what’s it’s like to be young. I want to laugh, have fun, be silly and not have to give a damn about all these things happening in my life. For the time being, I’m going through a largely reflective and solitary phase in my life, but I also have a strong thirst for adventure and intensity and will be seeking a more harmless outlet for this
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
my father was an abusive, tyrannical psychopath who treated his subordinates like tools and punished cruelly and excessively. I hope to avoid being like him at all costs
My strongest values include
- Self control. If you don’t control yourself, the world will
- Integrity and maintaining it in the face of the most perilous adversity. The world can take away your friends, your belongings, even your lives, but if you have solid integrity, NO ONE can take that away from you.
- Meekness: I hate people who abuse their power, are needlessly cruel and don’t respect people’s rights
- Respect: everyone deserves some level of respect just for being alive. I hate people who treat people like tools, animals or inanimate objects
- Freedom: everyone has the right to do what they want to and be who they want to be unless they are infringing on the rights and independence of others
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
I suppose the above description of my father. I have come perilously close to these characteristics in the past, but I want to get away from all the politics, war and brutality.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want a close few intimate relationships in which all parties love and respect each other, but other than that, I don’t much care about what the rest of the world thinks of me. I’d like to view myself a protector, someone who is gentle and looks out for his friends but is a swift god of death to his enemies.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best: at my best I am a strong, capable leader, but I’m also surprisingly feminine. I love animals, small children and going for long, solitary walks in the woods. I also like to sing (in fact, I paid my way through university by singing) and enjoy the finer things in life and my tastes are bold, extravagant and with an eye for quality.
Worst: at my worst I am a sadistic monster. Blind rage gives way to a sinister enjoyment of bloodlust, I revert completely back to instincts and my only desire is to vanquish my enemy. Even after the event has passed, the anger lingers for about 30 minutes to an hour or so, occasionally strong enough as to make me feel physically sick.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) anger: most of the time it’s boiling under the surface, but if the intensity gets too great, I can fly into terrifying fits of rage and do things I will regret if I’m not careful. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better at controlling my anger in order to be a strong and competent leader. If you don’t control your anger, it will control you. It’s kinda like a thunderstorm. Once it’s started, you never know what’s gonna get struck by lightning.
b) shame: shame is a very personal emotion for me. I seldom experience it, but when I do, I’d rather deal with it in private.
c) anxiety: the external world seldom if ever makes me anxious, however, experience has taught me to be a little more cautious going into a situation so as not to get carried away and make a mistake (I don’t have as much experience to go off of as an older person, so this has forced me to be a lot more precise and deductive than I am normally comfortable being). When I was younger I tended to be oblivious to the perils of reality, but experience has given me enough reality bitch slaps for me to get the picture.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) I ignore it. I’ll only slip up if I let it get to me. When I finally do deal with it, it’s almost always in private
b) Unexpected change: if it caused by the incompetence of someone I’m working with, it makes me livid, but positive unexpected change is welcome, just don’t expect me to respond to it immediately. I move at my own pace and don’t like my circumstances to rush me.
c) conflict: I have a love/hate relationship with conflict. In the moment it is exhilarating, intense and allows me to forget my inner turmoil. Frankly, I don’t like to admit it, but I often really life conflict, almost like it’s a chance to vent and gives me a sense of life when on the inside I feel dead, like a wasteland.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) authority: I usually have to be running the show. I can be cooperative and do my part (that is, if I agreed to do it in the first place), but have very low tolerance for the kind of social dominance contests, petty career politics and personal quibbles people seem to engage in so frequently. I view myself as an authoritative person who is a strong leader that people can stand behind without fear, but honestly, I’m just there to make sure everything gets done. If people do what they agree to and do it well, I really don’t feel the need to play the authority card; however, I am guilty of using my “authority” as an excuse to “exact justice” when I’m really just out for revenge or personal satisfaction.
b) power: power is a good thing, but seeking it obsessively can lead to destruction. Power doesn’t corrupt, it only reveals the intentions that were already there.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
it’s hard to say. I’m contemplating that very thing right now and, at the moment, I’m not really sure what to think about the whole of humanity.
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly how you responded to it.
1) my brother was taken from me and sacrificed by my father to the lord of a neighboring fief as a sign of submission (he was 7, I was 10 at the time). I swore I would murder him one day and bring a just ruler to the throne. I always knew this world was a terrible place, but he was the one source of genuine innocence, affection and kindness I had in it. When that was taken away from me, my fears that I was really all alone became a reality. After trying to kill my father right then and there, he laughed, amused at my suffering and exiled me, telling me “come back one day when you’re stronger. You don’t stand a chance against me now” (….that arrogant bastard sealed his fate with those words). The proceeding 4 years I assumed a false identity, went to university on a singing scholarship and double majored in military strategy and sword combat. The 3 years after that, I gathered an army and waged rebellion until my father, slowly losing touch with my feelings, my humanity and any kind of psychological balance left in me.
2) after I accomplished my goal of killing my father 7 years later, he told me as he was dying “hahaha! You’re just like I thought you’d turn out to be. Deep down you and I are the same. We’re both killers. Killers who are willing to do whatever it takes to win and get to the top. It’s in your blood boy. You’re a born killer and you’ll always be a killer”. At this point, the walls of my psyche came crumbling down and I broke down in tears “Never! I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done terrible things, but people can change, a life can be made right, the sins of the past can be atoned for and I know I can live a happy and peaceful life if I make the effort to change myself. You’re nothing but a coward who gave up. You’re a sadistic monster and I will NEVER be like you! NEVER EVER!” this was just a few months ago and I’m still in the midst of struggling with how to let down my psychological defenses and just be a person again.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I struggle with it. I want a relationship where both parties can be open, honest and vulnerable with each other, but in practice I struggle immensely with this concept. It’s hard for me to let people in with the possibility of being hurt looming overhead.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
- I have never compromised what I believe in and never will
- unlimited will power. If I believe in something, I can fight for it until I die.
- I’m really a nice person once you get to know me =)
- Organized and decisive
- Fast learner, I can quickly grasp the big picture and come up with a pragmatic solution or plan of action for most problems
- I’ve always had really high self confidence. Without this I would have been dead several times over.
- I can get carried away and my anger can do terrible damage if I’m not careful
- I have a superiority complex. I view people who lack conviction, strong principles and depth of passion and feeling as below me.
- tendency to push people away. I insist on doing things alone
- A tendency to deny/bury my weaknesses deep down. There is something to be said for putting your best foot forward, but trying to deny one’s weaknesses to one’s self is something else entirely
- insufferably stubborn. My natural tendency is to adapt my environment to myself and my beliefs and desires rather than the other way around. Compromise and adaptability are things I struggle with
- I need to learn to let go and stop holding on to intense feelings of spite, revenge and indignation.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I’m a keen observer of people’s intentions, beliefs and general character. They may think they can hide it, but they can’t hide it from me. I can also usually tell a lot about a person’s past, their skill as a warrior and what it would take to “break” them (I do enjoy breaking people in the right situation, but they have to be deserving of it. It’s not something I would do to anyone who wasn’t seriously in the wrong)
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
when you’ve spent your childhood plotting revenge and your teens killing countless soldiers, the opinions of strangers tend not to mean as much. If it’s not someone I care about, I really don’t think much about their opinion unless they have useful input
16. What's something you are: a) thankful you have; b) wish you could have? Why?
a) Thankful: I’m thankful to the few people I’ve had in my life who’ve shown me that there are good people out there. People I can share a connection with and not be so alone all the time
b) Wish I could have: a relationship. Someone close to me whom I could protect, share my feelings with, and just be there to cuddle with me =( This is something that was REALLY hard for me to admit to myself, but I feel it really broke down a toxic psychological barrier once I did.