I cannot figure out what my type might be. The description of INTPs and INTJ's seem to fit me best, but I cannot shake this doubt which plagues me. I have begun to doubt whether or not my rationale primarily utilizes T(hinking) or F(eeling) function. Obviously if I use feeling, it would invalidate the INTP/INTJ result.
Yet I can't help but say that I really don't know if I am a sensing, intuitive, feeling, thinking, perceiving, or judging person. I do not think that I know myself that well, or at least it does not translate, whatever that means. I may have values, but I have no idea what they are, there are no prescribed words that fit them. And before you say, have you taken the test, of course I have taken it. I've practically obsessed over it. Unfortunately I am now at the point where the questions are meaningless with the words reducing to nothing more than an infinite number of possibilities closely followed by an innumerable quantity of doubt.
I prefer to not run late, yet I run late all the time. When I am running late, I get stressed and nervous. Thus I think that I am judging, but act in a perceiving manner. I prefer 1-1 conversations, and like to be alone, yet I do occasionally enjoy company. Thus I find myself to be an introvert.
However, this might be inaccurate, because the term "introvert" has to do with energy according to Jung and Briggs. This begs me to question myself again, but to be honest I cannot really answer the question then. I don't know. What is it to recharge from being extraverted vs to recharge from being introverted. I am either with people or not with people. I like being alone but I won't go so far as to say that I dislike company, it's just that I absolutely hate big crowds.
I am the president of my fraternity, and I find myself liking parties if I am up for them, but only when I am able to talk to someone one-on-one. (I only ran for the office because no one else that would do a better job was going to do it.) I get way to nervous when I am amongst many people, and additionally, I find myself unable to know who to talk to.
On the other hand, it has not been until recently that I have stopped to ask myself why I engage in the activities that I do. I am sure there are reasons, but I find this thinking to be a fallacious path that leads me down a road of self-doubt and depression. It would seem that post-justification of a behavior or activity is not a very good pathway to wander down.
One particularly bad example is with my work. I have an internship that I do not mind. I am only irked when I have nothing to do, or if what I have to do is not complicated. I can waste my time in a more productive manner than stare at a computer screen and input data. Any imbecile could do such a task. Other people that I work with bring ipods and the like, but my reasoning is that you go to work to work, not to listen to music.
Here is some basic information that might aid you all in this endeavor. I am 21 and I went to college thinking that I would major in biology, a subject that I have always found interesting. In high school, I would not study for tests until the day of, and would usually ace said tests. Rather, I spent a majority of my time playing video games which are still something that I greatly enjoy.
As a result of my behavior in high school, my study habits are quite poor and I did not do to well in Biology. This completely destroyed any sense of self that I had. I was no longer "good" at anything. For the longest time, I blamed my shortcomings on the school and the department while continuously thinking myself above the program.
I essentially gave up and resorted to English, a subject that I knew I was decent at in high school, but the decision was hastily made for I simply didn't want to accept that I had failed. Eventually I took a theories course, and I hated it. The reason being that I now cannot discern that which I find entertaining, because I have seen that there is a way to find everything entertaining if one looks hard enough. (Thank you Stanley Fish, you asshole)
The odd thing is that when I would write papers for my classes, I was more interested in the idea of my paper than the actual mechanical aspects. Boy do I absolutely abhor grammar.
My basic qualm with it is that professors get so damn nit-picky about grammar while the other students write papers that have essentially been written before. If I am going to spend my time writing a paper, I would rather the concept behind it be unique, for if I am going to submit it, that is what matters. In fact, that to me was the point of writing the papers in the first place. Grammar can always be fixed because it is based upon set principles that are easily grasped, but an idea is something more transient.
I find gaps in my reasoning in the sense that a problem area of me has been to think that meaning is conferred by the object of experience, not the subject experiencing the object. I enjoy certain theories and pieces of art not for how they apply, but rather due to their complex or intriguing nature.
For instance, I find the Waste Land an interesting read because of the precise nature of its fragmentation. The poem is not flowery, but rather appeals to a vast catalogue of historical aspects through metaphor and reference. The image of Tristan and Isolde playing a game of chess as they wait for the black ships that will inevitably take them away juxtaposed with the setting of a broken and decaying (in Elliot's mind) England, is amazing.
However, I think that this Eliot is an isolated instance, because I typically enjoy historical fiction and books that are unique although I did read a lot of fiction/fantasy when I was younger. I just have this mindset that all fantasy books are the same after reading so many of them. Sure I could read a game of thrones, but I am not going to benefit in any way be it by indulging myself in a wholly new world of concepts or by learning something that is useful. The books aren't going to be timeless. Although you might want to disregard this entire paragraph because the views expressed in it have been heavily influenced by my English curriculum.
I ended up dropping english as I hate it. It is completely pointless in the sense that I write a paper and turn it in. Then I write another paper and turn it in. Nothing is improving. I honestly think that I should have stayed in biology. Now I am lost, I do not know what I want to do, what I enjoy, or what I am good at.
Well, I should rephrase, I do not know these things in a specific light. I am intelligent no matter how much I doubt it. I am extremely proficient at solving problems. I enjoy playing video games, reading, and learning. I do, however, have a hard time learning foreign languages. My vocabulary recall is excellent, but I am quite terrible at the grammar portions. (conjugations and such) Then again, I don't really practice the grammar enough, so that could very well be the cause.
I am doubtful that I am an INTJ because I am quite messy (which I know that's something like a stereotype to say that all INTJs are neat), and as I said, I am often late despite the fact that I hate being late. Then again, I have only recently found out what stress feels like. That led me to understand that I do not like being late. It is through this manner that I have begun to know other things that I do not like and wish to change.
I hate it when people make stupid mistakes, yet I will admit I do these too. I hate it when people do not go the speed limit. I get annoyed when people say things that are obvious or are implied. I hate it when my parents tell me how to do something step by step when one part of what they say infers other parts of what they say.
I am often crippled by uncertainty, then again you should know that by now.
The vicious cycle - apathy saves me from my uncertainty but does not prevent it from creeping back in when I let my guard down. It's like I have to know.