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  1. #1

    Default GUYS, I need help typing my manfriend!

    Desperate times call for desperate measures.

    My [young adult] manfriend and I have been struggling together for a year with issues, serious and not. The most serious issue is that he was neglected and even mildly verbally abused as a child, which has caused him to become codependent and clingy. But I know he has normal cognitive functions below the superficial mess that's been created over time, however distorted they may be. My INFJ self is dying to find out what they are so we can work with them to help him build a good mental foundation of his own.

    What I've been trying to do is dissect his mind enough to know what the resulting issues are, what are his normal functions, and even more importantly, whether the functions have caused him to react the way he has.

    Care to take on a challenge?

    First off, let me list some of his attributes that I find most relevant to his functions, keeping in mind these are always going to be muddied by his life of isolation and subsequent moderate codependent behaviour.

    --He's an introvert
    --He's extremely anxious, depersonalizes often, and becomes 'detached' or/and overwhelmed easily
    --He's been extremely timid and shy his whole life
    --He used to look at art constantly, forming a loose library of his favourites, as inspiration, on his computer
    --Related to that, he's done very skilled art himself
    --He's always done well at school, even without trying much at all
    --He's always loved to help people, and he'll often dangerously give himself and his attention, even to strangers
    --He places himself before anyone else, often to the point of neglecting his own needs
    --He's apparently always been very quiet, rigid, and aloof, even as a young child
    --He was very bossy as a child -- especially as a young child -- before becoming more insecure later on in life
    --Similarly, he'd always try to initiate, or push, his young peers into participating in activities, such as imaginative games, that he'd create
    --He seems mostly unable to build an internal value system on his own, and without his mother's guidance growing up, has started taking values from others, including tastes in music
    --He's often painfully romantic, gushing over romantic ideals and situations
    --He's DROWNING IN FANTASY, always daydreaming and going off on tangents of imagination which he rarely shares
    --He never asks for help-it's a shock when he does
    --His brain, he says, is constantly on the go -- reflecting, cycling through thoughts and feelings about other people, such as their background and life story
    --The above often can lead to neuroses; obsessive-compulsive thoughts and so-on
    --He buries emotions immediately, sometimes to have them explode when he's under stress
    --Sexually, he's held back, and often tends to be surprisingly more feminine than masculine, considering his rampant hairiness and heterosexuality--he loves foreplay
    --He's not much of a thinker; he can try, but he's often clouded by emotions

    These relatively nondescript tidbits aside, I've personally thought I've seen a lot of Fe in him, Si somewhat, but when it comes down to it, I just can't tell most of the time. He thinks he's INFP. I kept arguing he's ISFJ, at least in his actions. I'd like to get to the bottom of it so he can move on knowing what he has.

    One big problem, however, is that he doesn't want to be ISFJ. Let me rephrase that a bit: he empatically does not want to be ISFJ. He knows that, for a mate, I don't do well with SJs of any kind, and I worry his SJ tendencies -- superficial or otherwise -- make him more codependent (if you look at the description of an ISFJ, it actually appears to be one of a codependent) and thus eager to please me in that arena. I'm not sure if that's true, though.

    CONUNDRUM.

    Codependency can strike ANYONE AT ANY TIME. Well, that's partly true. Mostly, it's common with anyone who's grown up the way he has, so it's incredibly difficult to know if his personality functions have had anything to do with how he's coped. His mix at this point is damn near 50/50 INFP/ISFJ, best I can tell. To me, that creates a whole lot of questions; are ISFJ/ISXJs actually the result of a codependent lifestyle? Are INFPs more susceptible to the effects of certain parental neglect?

    I'd love any and all input. Any questions for clarification would be awesome.

  2. #2
    a white iris elfinchilde's Avatar
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    remember that under stress, the shadow persona comes out. so you may be reading a muddle of types that is not him when he is healthy. You may like to check out the descriptions of the types under stress (as opposed to healthy types) and see which is closest to him.

    as an aside, don't mistake type for the individual person. when one needs help, the worst thing others can do is to typecast and pigeonhole them.

    Fe does seem strong to me tho. alt, it may be insecurity in an unhealthy individual at that point in time.

    the N also seems strong, from what you say.
    You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
    They called me the hyacinth girl.
    Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
    Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
    Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
    Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
    Looking into the heart of light, the silence.

    --T.S Eliot, The Wasteland

  3. #3

    Default

    Thanks! And yes, let it be known, I have actually deliberated on 'typing' him until now. I feel it would be helpful for him to think about how he functions in a healthy way, rather than focusing on how, as he's often put it, 'f**ked up he is'.

    If he's got Fe and strong N, I start wondering if he's INFJ. The Fe is all that stands out to me really strongly, though his tendency to waffle suggests Ne. :D THAT CAN'T WORK.

  4. #4
    Senior Member tovlo's Avatar
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    If he thinks he's INFP, then perhaps he is?
    "We don't see things as they are,
    we see things as we are."
    ...Anais Nin

  5. #5
    will make your day Carebear's Avatar
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    I agree with tovlo. If you strip away all the anxiety related stuff, you end up with a person ticking very much like I do and several other male INFPs I know of. There does indeed seem to be some Fe in what you describe, but most of it is connected to the anxiety. There is however a much stronger theme of Fi there and even Fi/Ne specifically.

    http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP_per.html
    Most of the weaker characteristics that are found in INFPs are due to their dominant Feeling function overshadowing the rest of their personality. When the dominant function of Introverted Feeling overshadows everything else, the INFP can't use Extraverted iNtuition to take in information in a truly objective fashion. In such cases, an INFP may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

    * May be extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism
    * May perceive criticism where none was intended
    * May have skewed or unrealistic ideas about reality
    * May be unable to acknowledge or hear anything that goes against their personal ideas and opinions
    * May blame their problems on other people, seeing themselves as victims who are treated unfairly
    * May have great anger, and show this anger with rash outpourings of bad temper
    * May be unaware of appropriate social behavior
    * May be oblivious to their personal appearance, or to appropriate dress
    * May come across as eccentric, or perhaps even generally strange to others, without being aware of it
    * May be unable to see or understand anyone else's point of view
    * May value their own opinions and feelings far above others
    * May be unaware of how their behavior affects others
    * May be oblivious to other people's need
    * May feel overwhelmed with tension and stress when someone expresses disagreement with the INFP, or disapproval of the INFP
    * May develop strong judgments that are difficult to unseed against people who they perceive have been oppressive or suppressive to them
    * Under great stress, may obsess about details that are unimportant to the big picture of things
    * Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly
    * May have unreasonable expectations of others
    * May have difficulty maintaining close relationships, due to unreasonable expectations
    I have arms for a fucking reaosn, so come hold me. Then we'll fuvk! Whoooooh! - GZA

  6. #6
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    He sounds I N F to me and more Fi than Fe so I would say INFP too.
    Last edited by alcea rosea; 05-07-2008 at 12:58 AM.

  7. #7
    Circus Maximus Sarcasticus's Avatar
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    Sounds INFP to me too.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Leysing's Avatar
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    Sounds very much like me. INFP.

  9. #9
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Moved from NY Idyllic.

  10. #10
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    He sounds sort of like an INFJ to me, or otherwise an INFP.

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