Here we go again, no? I'd appreciate, and am curious about input. This one is probably record-long. I wonder if it will post, or maybe I'll be signed out.
What aspect of your personality made you unsure of your type?
I think I'm biased, have difficulty looking at this objectively. I favour ENTP. I've read ENTP and ENFP forums, and relate far more to the former than the latter. ENFP makes me cringe, particularly their responses to intelligent ideas.
I'm sure I'm some kind of NP. I've read the descriptions and they seem closest, but I have a rudimentary knowledge of this typing business, at best. Oh well, I try!
Much of my confusion has to do with my upbringing. As a 3-year-old child I was enthusiastic, bright-eyed and wanted to explore everything. I got into a lot of trouble by getting up at the early hours of the morning and rushing out to explore. My parents saw it as 'running away', but I never did.
When confronted, I would exclaim, ''I was just going on an adventure!'' They'd lock the doors, and tie my hands in taped mittens. Somehow, I still got out. I figured out the locks and they never figured out how.
Imaginary friends were played with, until I was around 6. About the time a sibling was born. I always had a big imagination and liked to explore.
Diagnosed with ADHD of the passive type at the age of 8, yet still being quite 'hyper'.
My mother was a very sensitive feeling type of lady, and made me understand at a very young age to try to 'think about other people', and 'how you would feel in their shoes'. I was described as not having a 'personal space' bubble. I've never really been aware of the actual needs of other people, and nor have I been interested in those aspects. Counseling others sounds more like a chore to me, boring, and something that would get in the way of personal aspirations.
There was an occasion at the same young age of 3, where I ran up to an old man in the grocery store and hugged them, and told them I loved them. But, then, controversial as it may be, I suppose we haven't quite developed a type then.
I was always very willing and able to make friends, but I must have been very unusual, because I was ostracized in middle school. (The annoying kid that goes up to other kids and asks, matter-of-factly: ''Will you be my friend?'') (Age: 4 to 13). So I spent much of my time reading big, thick fantasy books (8 - 13), and getting rocks thrown at me. Spit in my seats, foam ripped from seat cushions on the bus, thrown at me. Good times.
I did put the book aside and venture around the 'playground' at recess, asking others if I could join in though. But, the answer was often 'No', and so I left them to their devices. When I was able to play, it was often in villain roles assigned to me, but I was pleased to belong and to play. I only minded being the villain so often because it was same ol', same ol', I think. Sometimes I'd argue and get 'fired'.
Because of this time, despite any goals I might have had for my future career (At the time I was firmly devoted to the idea of being a veterinarian) , I decided to copy the attitudes of a person that would make others feel the opposite of the way that I felt. The behaviour of other people in isolating me is not something that I understood, but I knew at least that I didn't want to do that to anyone else.
High school was better, but an uncertain time at first. I didn't really fit in due to being around the same people from middle school out in the country, but when I went to an art-focused high school in the city, I felt I was an outcast among outcasts.
I hugged strangers in high school just to see reactions. And I hugged them just because.
I certainly have a strong ethical leaning. I do my best to have manners, although much of the time I can be seen as awkward and I can, and do, inadvertently offend people. I've done bizarre things if asked on occasion, and other times obstinately refuse for the principle of being ordered.
When meeting someone for the first time, these days, being completely oblivious to their feelings and poking a bit of fun to test where I stand with them. I often need to be told after the fact that this is inappropriate. I apologize a lot. I thank people a lot. I have definitely been a people pleaser, but it has not been particularly motivating or energizing to me. It's been draining, and not enjoyable.
But, I suppose that unlike most ENTPs, the only ways I like to cause trouble are in the classroom, where ideas are made to be thrown around, rules were made to be broken, and questions, and reactions, are waiting to be born. Maybe this is because I've never really had any true friends who shared my ideas and thoughts, though, outside of this context. I've always been too busy moving. I knew many, but how many did I really know? None. There were no true connections to others, just superficial dealings.
I've been told I love to argue, and up until now I've denied it vehemently. Only now I'm starting to realize that maybe it's not a bad thing, and it's just the way I learn.
I do like to push boundaries, buttons, and rules. But, I favour honesty. Anytime anyone has asked me to go along with the group and lie to gain some kind of advantage... I hesitate. I am pulled by the group, but there is an ethical standpoint in that decision, and this part of me that wants to rebel against orders. There are a lot of rules I bend. Sometimes I bend rules that I want to adhere to without meaning to. I let people down on promises and will-dos quite often.
Growing up, I didn't swear, and I didn't lie. I took pride that I stood out in this way, and acknowledged for it by my parents regularly.
What do you yearn for in life? Why?
Ah, my turn. I yearn to learn! And try not to burn... Out.
Although giving things careful consideration isn't my forte, I'm definitely somebody who (Paused to start answering another question)-- Loves to learn! I want to be incredibly intelligent, able to grasp difficult concepts and to bounce ideas off of other people.
I love discussions, particularly heated ones, and it bothers me when I'm left for long periods of time away from people, unable to ask them what they think and tell them what I know.
Unfortunately, most people I interact with have a strong dislike for conflict. So they won't play. I idealize intelligent people, and scoff internally at emotional gushiness, despite displaying it. I wonder, am I messed up, or what?
I feel like I'm moving through life, experiencing excitement, wonder, joy and love, but not understanding what I should be doing, and not doing anything really useful. Everyone has something they're good at. There are too many things that I do. I'm such an enormous procrastinator that I even procrastinate the things that I want to do! Slow starter, slow finisher. Slow thinker. But once I'm in there, I'm thriving and loving it. Until I don't love it anymore and I'm lost again.
I have no direction. I don't know where I'm going. I only know not-too-distant futures, and I want to be able to see more. I'm lazy, and I've only just developed a bit of self-discipline, but not nearly enough.
I want to know things the way others do. I want to know something front and backwards and impress people with that knowledge. I want to improve society in some way, but I don't want to connect to people in an intimate regard.
I have no idea if I have the capacity to learn something in this way, but I really, really want to. I want to be a master at something. But I seem to be dipping my toes into so many things, and never jumping into the water.
Think about a time where you felt like you were at your finest. Tell us what made you feel that way.
A time of high energy was in college towards Foundations in Art. As soon as I first found that subject which interested me (At least for a time), and the environment that was ideal, I was a bustling spark of energy, doing many projects at once, and interacting with the world around me with fervour and zest. (With the exception of 3d design, because I couldn't cut a straight line or make an un-jagged 3d box to save my life.)
I loved being admired for my abilities, loved critiques on my work so that I could apply the principles, and definitely loved to show off my paintings, because I was one of the best. And I knew it. People said so quite often, and were envious of my talents. Thrilling! Yes!
When we had the showing, mine was in the center of the room. The guy that put them up said that it was the focal point. Definitely can't deny a strong feeling there. I loved asking other people what they thought about my work, and getting to tell people about theirs. Using my 'expertise'. But, in any type of school-scenario, I feel pretty energized. I love that back-and-forth, the constant learning, and being given something to do so that I can expand on it and do whatever I want with it.
I love being thrown into an assignment and doing something completely outside the box with it, on purpose, to do something different, and interesting. Kind of sounds like Journalism, but I had a bout of that, and it was far too self-directed. I can't direct myself out of a paper bag.
4) What makes you feel inferior?
I actually have to think about this. Going to start another question.
Okay, back to this one. Um... I suppose I feel inferior when I think that I am incompetent, or stupid. When I'm made a fool of, especially.
Sometimes it seems as if everything I do is wrong to those close to me. I'm only bothered by it because I know I should be, but am more bothered by the fact that I don't really feel the way I'm supposed to feel, or how they want me to feel.
A lot of times I seem to sit back and question another person's outburst having to do with my actions, and pause, waiting to figure out what I'm supposed to do with it. Hoping to be told what I should do, to make them feel better. I do feel guilt.
I feel inferior when I'm not given information on purpose, as if those that do so believe I'm not smart enough to understand it or figure it out.
5) What tends to weigh on your decisions? (Do you think about people, pro-cons, how you feel about it, etc.)
Bah, everything. This is a useless question to me. I weigh everything. This is the problem-- I have no idea if I'm feeling or thinking. And it's been impossible to observe myself in the decision-making process. I do feel when I decide, but I also think, and I'm not sure which one comes first. If I have a lot of feelings, does this mean I'm a feeler? If I think a lot, does this make me a thinker? I also have a lot of questions. Endless.
6) When working on a project what is normally your emphasis? Do you like to have control of the outcome?
I love thinking about the way it's going to turn out. I get this big idea, and I work towards it. Sometimes in unorthodox and crazy ways. The only thing I've managed to be able to really finish, in this respect, is a painting. And I haven't been able to do that on my own. Not really. It just doesn't come out as well, without people. I think of myself as being very incomplete. I've always jumped from one thing to another, which annoys others. Particularly elders. They want me to be able to finish what I start. Understandable in theory. But, excruciatingly painful in reality. It's annoying for me, too. The outcome is the exciting part, but not usually reached. When it is, I quickly move on.
7) Describe a time where you had a lot of fun. How is your memory of it?
Fun has always been had in a classroom, for me, talking and discussing things.
8) When you want to learn something new, what feels more natural for you? (Are you more prone to be hands on, to theorize, to memorize, etc)
I do a handful of different things to learn. I love lectures, actually. I watch them online for fun sometimes. Textbooks can both bore or excite me, depending on the topic. I learn most by interacting with people, asking A LOT of questions. I was a definite hand-raiser in college. I've always loved questions. And answers. When I don't get answers, I want to know why I can't have them. Not knowing, or not being involved with some secret, is incredibly frustrating. I have to know! I have to be in on it!
9) How organized do you to think of yourself as?
Not. Definitely not. At all. Never have been, and likely never will be. I am a complete and utter disorganized, scatterbrained, absent-minded, self-absorbed type, prone to bursts of energy and outgoing interaction. Hug! Move on! Ah, a schedule? A time-planner, you say? Yes, let's give it a go!... A week later it's lost somewhere. Maybe under the coffee table, while I'm browsing my newest fixation. But that's okay, it's just a guideline anyway.
10) How do you judge new ideas? You try to understand the principles behind it to see if they make sense or do you look for information that supports it?
I like to understand the principles behind it. I'll try something, see if it works, and if it doesn't, then I move on and try something else.
11) You find harmony by making sure everyone is doing fine and belonging to a given group or by making sure that you follow what you believe and being yourself?
I find harmony by finding my place in the world, plunging into my interests, while sharing my ideas with others, and getting feedback. I really require that feedback.
12) Are you the kind that thinks before speaking or do you speak before thinking? Do you prefer one-on-one communication or group discussions?
I speak, and then think, especially in everyday scenario. I love group discussions. One-on-one is not as much fun! When it came to group discussions in college, I'd often throw out something without being called on. By a friend it's been described as making a joke that I 'slip under the door'. It was funny, apt, inappropriate, but I was able to slip it in without causing annoyance to others.
13) Do you jump into action right away or do you like to know where are you jumping before leaping? Does action speaks more than words?
Yes, and yes. I find myself jumping in and impatiently waiting for others to do the same. I love being thrown into something, and having to figure it out on-the-fly. Being indecisive, sometimes I actually have to be thrown... By somebody or something, but I love being in the middle of it. And if it's something I'm really interested in, I'll jump right in. Although I haven't found my new greatest productive fixation yet.
14) It's Saturday. You're at home, and your favorite show is about to start. Your friends call you for a night out. What will you do?
I don't really like parties, bars, etc. They're boring. Maybe because I don't drink. (I value clarity of mind.) But, I haven't really had the right friends, for this, I suppose. I have gone, and it was interesting, but seemed empty. I'd go out to book clubs and philosophy meetings and nerdy gatherings if I could. I'd even go for a math club and hope to be enlightened. I love science, history. Everything, really.
I'm also not much of a TV-watcher. Only show I've really been into is Eureka. And Farscape. More interested in learning things. Sometimes useless things. Okay, a lot of the time useless things. If the 'night out' involved something I was interested in, I would be enthused though. Partying without anything to learn from? Boring. Useless.
15) How do you act when you're stressed out?
Frustrated. Pent up. If it gets to the point where I feel out of control, I want to remove myself from the environment. Keep myself busy with something to take my mind off of it. Relax, get my brain to stop thinking, ease the tension. Stress actually doesn't happen often for me, and is usually due to not living up to the expectations of those around me.
16) What makes you dislike the personalities of some people?
Pushy, controlling people who have to have things done their way and won't compromise. People who are spiteful. Guilt-trippers. People who won't listen, and won't give input.
17) Is there anything you really like talking about with other people?
Anything, really. I can figure a way to talk about it.
18) What kind of things do you pay the least attention to in your life
My everyday environment. Doing chores, and such. Anything that doesn't involve what I'm engrossed in. I break things regularly. Expensive things. Accidental, of course. I just don't have a mind for paying attention to what I'm doing, I suppose. I'm very clumsy, bump into things a lot. I don't fall very often, but when I do, it's usually hard, and down the stairs, and I laugh.
Problem with breaking things is that, because it happens a lot, I'm usually accused of doing it on purpose, or not trying hard enough not to, or not caring. I can't help it, though. I do try, but it just happens. Not really sure what else to do but apologize and clean it up. Try to take responsibility for it, of course. People seem to need more than that. I don't know what more to do. It's always been this way. Maybe I need some kind of lesson...
19) How do your friends perceive you? What is wrong about their perception? ? What would your friends never say about your personality ?
The people at school who were among those that shunned, might call me a loner, introspective, and a thinker. I never really was my absolute true self around them, and I don't think I could ever have been. I moved on though, and wouldn't exactly call them 'friends'.
More recently, I've fit more the ENFP stereotype, in public, at least.
I have been called overly sensitive and emotional in private, and a definite extrovert, yet I'm unsure whether I internally favour emotions over logic. I suppose it seems obvious.
But, again, something doesn't seem to fit. Those close to me see me as being more self-absorbed, concerned about personal projects, and any request to do anything but what I want is usually met with either protest, irritation, and sometimes bitterness. I am usually withdrawn and not perceptive to other's feelings, or needs, without being told what they need. This is.. Fe?
I think I may be a feeler, but I'm disgusted by the idea. Logic makes more sense to me, even if no one would ever call me a rational, or logical person. Emotions are in the way. I would like to overcome them and be more of an ENTP, even if I'm not. I value thinking over feeling. Objectivity, logic and thoughts should come before emotions. Emotions cloud judgments and cause issues.
I guess that I am what I am, whatever that may be. I just want to figure it out so that I can move on and try to figure out what to do with the information. Maybe it can help me find out what it is I need to be doing other than what I'm doing.
20) You got a whole day to do whatever you like. What kind of activities do you feel like doing?
I always have this deep-seated desire to learn something important to me, particularly math, physics. These worlds seem fascinating, and beautiful, but I have difficulty getting into it. I'll suddenly get fixated on something irrelevant, and useless, and can't seem to pull myself out of that useless subject. I occasionally feel 'trapped', at times. This is likely because I'm doing the study of it independently, and I need people to get me out of this 'funk'. That, and it's difficult to know where to start with math. I generally choose things that are too tough for me to figure out, get frustrated, and try to back up and find a starting point. I think an easier and more accessible route may be the sciences, as I also love them, and have a firmer grasp on how they work. But, math seems to be the basis of everything, and I want to know!
When I was quite young, maths were not my strong suit. They frustrated me. I hated them, didn't think I could ever do them. I blame the teachers. I feel as if I have a large, gaping hole in my education because of my inability to grasp mathematics. And maybe in me. I think maybe I was meant to be more of a mathy person, but I wasn't taught by the right person. My parents were bad at math too, though still better than me. They ridiculed and made fun of me because of my struggle with this subject. They'd put me on the spot with a math problem, and I felt I needed to think my way through it, because I wasn't taught shortcuts, how to think about math quickly. Heck, I barely knew the subject. So, I was made the fool, to feel stupid and more than a little useless. Homework in most subjects, but especially math, was always rushed, and I'd fill in the blanks with fake answers. Same with tests. I didn't bother, and didn't like to do them. Essays and stories were something I could do.
''You'll never be a math person, that's just not you. You're great with words though! You should write.''
I came to realize this wasn't true. Anyone can do anything. It's just practice, and time spent. If only I would spend more time!
More recently I have been starting from the ground basics and upwards with math, but it's slow-going, sluggish, because of my propensity towards novelty and the unknown, and because I lack people to bounce things off of, and though it has definite appeal and interest, it doesn't last long through the myriad of other things I do.
As a side note, I'd like to apologize for the walls of texts. I'd probably get bored and not get past the first paragraph, myself.
I really need closure on this, as this is my latest fixation, and I can't get out, and I'm curious to see what can be said of this. If anything. I really should be more concise. You'd think I'd learn that in Journalism, but nooo...
Now I'm going to impatiently wait, do other things, and refresh this page. Probably a lot.