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  1. #1
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Default Help Need! Type my Long-lost friend!

    Just a few weeks ago, I happened to reconnect my long-lost friend and that we hadn't seen each other for nearly 15 years! We were friends during pre-school and elementary years back then.

    But that's when the nightmare begins.

    I know I'm supposed to be happy as I really don't have much circle of friends here in a foreign land. We both shared a very simliar background, being raised by our mothers, she's pursing an educational field while I've once been there, both being uncertain of our future goals, and etc.

    In my childhood memory, I always remembered her as being outgoing, cheeky-funny, bright person but after having a few meetings with her, I've discovered that she's extremely pessimistic, especially when it comes to trusting men in general (while she's still in a relationship with her b/f for 1.5 years now)

    During our meetings, I just felt I couldn't concentrate on her non-stop conversation, to a point I felt emotionally drained, exhausted, and irritated.

    She would notice that I failed to pay attention on her conversation, especially when I look away from her started to daydream a little (though I intended to drop hints to her that the topic is getting a little bit out of hand), she would address that to me with cheeky jokes, brought back my attention back to her, and continue with her topic.

    Very often she would start by asking me a question while she herself answer them and offer her perspectives. It's really like watching a one-woman's show by teasing the audience but getting on with their acts. I honestly just wish time will fly quicker so that I can end our meetings.

    Though she's also a very compassionate person, I find that she can be a little too controlling. For example, she would tell me about all the agony about her best friend (who is my "aquaintance") and insisted on having a meeting with her. I tried to decline it nicely by keep postponing it and the reason is I felt to get to know someone personally is a huge responsibility. And that I know once I leave the country (next month) I will not be going to remain contact with my LLF's aquaintance. But still she strongly insisted that why I should meet her and have it all planned out, that's when I felt a bit invasive and irritated.

    I'm okay with people close to me opening up to me, but at the same time her views are extremely dark and pessimistic and it just really drain me out to listen to her life philosophy. I tried to offer my own perspective in hoping to make her view things in a rather different angle through positivism, though she would just shun me immediately by asking me "please try to put myself in her shoes." And along the way, I felt she seem to be extremely sensitive to take constructive criticism more than NF types.

    She's good with mixing humor along the way, but I didn't find her humor to be that entertaining and had to play along with her. Though I really sympathize her because she felt she was stuck in a country where puts her into disadvantage because of racial discrimination (she's a punjab) and I kept reminding her that it's really the thinking how she made herself trapped as a victim as I've seen there are quite a lot of exceptions here, I saw a reporter on local news who is a punjab and this is almost non-exsistent in other north-east Asian countries.

    Anyhow, I am really curious of her type but I don't think I've interacted anyone like her so far and couldn't really type her.

    In general, here are the list of good/bad traits:

    1. Extremely judging and she sees the world being against her. She used to live in Australia for many years before relocated to Hong Kong for five years. She hated this country with guts and now hoping to immigrate to Canada or Australia with her boyfriend.

    2. She is extremely traditional and a devoted Catholics even though she seem to be very difficult to forgive those who had mistreated her. She told me that she wouldn't want any of her relatives to be invited for her wedding in near future because they didn't treat her right before by critizing her that her skin is too dark. This episode happend during her childhood on a brief visit to UK (her mother is of mixed race and looks Eurasian while her dad is from East India, her relatives look more of Eurasian).

    3. Whenever we bumped into other strangers who show too much skins, she would immediately badmouth about them to me with extreme annoyance. Like cussing them how trashy and cheap they are and that really overwhelms me. Even if I felt the same way, I wouldn't feel there's a need of an urge to verbalize it in public.

    4. Her sense of humor does not stay in line with me. Not those witty-intellectual type of jokes but rather cynical and bitchy (yet not really entirely amusing). It really gets dried (to me) after hearing it for a while.

    5. She really likes children but kept saying she wouldn't want to have one because of her bad childhood. She seem to make up her mind about this and felt this strongly.

    6. While we spent time together, she kept checking her mobile phone to see if her boyfriend had called her. This happened multiple times and seems a little irritated. I told her just to call him but she insisted that he should call her. She seems to expect a lot from him even though she told me that she didn't want to take any love relationship very seriously at this point.

    7. She had a lot of issue with her mother because of her discrimination against her boyfriend, who is an African from Togo. It seems to really boder her that her mom refuses to see him even though they've gone out for 1.5 years. She kept resenting her mother but I kept trying to tell her that she should try to resolve this if she plans to marry him. But she's planning to marry him even without her mother's acceptance nor approval of him.

    8. She's very good with money and seems to know how to save money for the raining days. It hurts me to see her struggling financially as she repeatedly mentioned how she's happy to see that I made more than her when I had my teaching job (she asked about my salary first). I can tell she is really saving hard as she never pay any tips at the bar or resturant, even though the service was quite decent.

    9. When she started venting, her emotions (tone of voice, facial expressions) seem to be very intense, and I can feel her pain as it really shows how much it border her. But then again, at the same time I felt emotionally drained when the vent gets too long.

    10. She kept telling me that she's a direct person and wouldn't manipulate others to fish for information. Yet she has done that to me a few times. I invited her to my apartment last night and she saw a pile of magazines and asked me to "bring it over to her home" with her (which is at least a mile away) so that she can donate them to recycling center. I suggested what if she help me to find if there's any recycling center around my area, she just briefly changed the topic to divert my attention. I honestly can feel that she wanted to take them, and I would be more than willing to give everything to her as I told her that I'm planning to trash them. Yet I felt she didn't seem to be as direct as she claims.

    11. She kept emphasizing she doesn't fit in the corporate world and that she hates small talks. Ironically I felt the things she kept chatting about to me is equvialent to small chats in my standards.

    12. She always say she'll call me on certain day but also reminded me that I should call her if I have time. I never did and that seems to upset her a bit. She kept complaining that I never call her when she promised to call me but didn't.

    13. She's very kind and enjoy talking about her ideals and loves offering advice; however, I just felt she has been mothering me by instilling her worldly ideals on me. She also tried very hard to make me stay here longer once I told her that I'm planning to move back home after a string of unsuccessful job hunt. Yet when I told her that I don't want to waste my time and would like to just go back and reunite my family, she would sound disappointed and lecturing me that I should at least give myself for 2 years for trying to secure my job. Clearly she has her point but she seem to have difficult to accept a different point of view, if not my very own POV.

    14. She seem to be very loyal to friends as she told me that she felt sadden that I had lost contact with her and had thought of me every now and then. She did sound very sincere and I have no doubts about her, which makes me felt really guilty after hearing this. And she can remember all the past events that I had totall forgotten during our childhood years. It's really because of this I chose to tolerate to engage in a conversation which is 80% one-sided by being an active and a VERY patient listener.


    Don't get me wrong, I still like her dearly and wanted to prolong our friendship. Though I just didn't really know how to let her know that she has a very controlling nature of having people to do things the way she wanted (about insisting me to meet her best friend even though I clearly and politely tried to reject many times, but failed). I also feel burden from her disappointment of wanting me to keep calling her back as a commitment when I'm not really a big fan of chatting things over the phone with her, especially she has a habit of not hanging up the phone)

    What I really want to know is to discover her type so that I may be able to find a way to understand how to handle her in a positive way.

    I hope I'll be getting some feedbacks about her from TypeC members.

  2. #2
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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  3. #3
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    ENFJ or ESFJ? Just quick gut reaction here, sorry.

    It sounds like she's not too "healthy" at the moment due to difficult life experiences.


    EDIT: I say ExFJ partly because she reminds me of a friend of mine who is definitely ESFJ. She is a caring person but can also be manipulative and downright difficult to be around. She'd had some difficult life experiences too and I think she'd allowed those to push her in an unpleasant direction.
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  4. #4
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    ENFJ or ESFJ? Just quick gut reaction here, sorry.

    It sounds like she's not too "healthy" at the moment due to difficult life experiences.
    Yeah, actually I have been thinking it's either ENFJ or ESFJ at an unhealthy state (more prone to ESFJ).

    It's hard for me to drop hints to her that I can't take too much negativity (of venting) every time when I meet her. It really becomes a habit and I'm trying to avoid meeting her as often... Though after she had found out that I'll be leaving the country soon, she wanted to meet up more *sigh*

    The thing is, I really feel sorry for her, but I have my own issues to deal with too, you know what I mean right? It wasn't easy for me to move back home when things didn't work out after being sticking around from the past 8 months, but I'm really planning to enjoy my remaining weeks here. I've never felt so emotionally drained and really dont' think that we both share the same topic of interests when it comes to chatting our hearts away.

    When it comes to ENFJ, I think most INFJ can handle their negativity as they also seem to be quick at grasping the overall flow of interaction and knows when to stop or at least to change to a lighter topic. Also I think we both really enjoy each other sense of humor so it's a bit easier for me to tolerate the venting.

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