Hi, i've been reading a lot about this and i have some questions about my type, I hope you are willing to help me with patience. I would like to tell you some details from my lifestyle that when put together don't fit very good with the supposed structure of my type. I think it would be better if you analyze the content of this and not my sentence structure and stuff like that since i'm not a native english speaker. I'm hoping to build my structure from the ground up instead of making the mold fit to me, which assumes things like that the auxiliary function will be opposite from my dominant function, because that is the source of my confusion. I've taken the test 5 different times in my lifetime... in high school I was INTP, later in college I was INTP, now 3 years i took the test again 3 times, once I got INFP, then INTP, then ISTP. And well, sometimes i wonder if i'm an INTJ... In the enneagram, I'm a type 5 with 4 wing. I've read many descriptions of the types and specific ones of the cognitive functions, so I don't need much more of that.
I'm not obsessed with myself, it's just that i think i've made bad decisions by not recognizing and using my strengths and now I would like to rediscover them to take myself out of a rut, so i thought the test would help. This also feels like a puzzle that i have to solve, which probably looks like INTP already, but i would say things aren't so simple.
Well, first i have a conflict between E and I. I always thought of myself as an introvert but now I realize that i've carried a lot of frustration for not finding like-minded people. So I wonder if i've been an introvert just because of circumstance and not like those introverts that just enjoy their inner world more. Being locked inside myself is a source of anxiety sometimes but also people's reactions to me make me anxious and so i remain quiet. I think of myself as the most extrovert when i'm among introverts. I don't like either loud and judgmental extroverts nor those kinds of cynical or arrogant introverts like INTP or INTJ respectively (from what i've read). When i think i need to be alone, but I also need outside feedback and intelectual challenge.
Between N and S. I have to say that I frequently rise to an abstract world in my thinking, but i feel like i have to go down to earth to get more information, so i'm constantly going up and down. I don't like empty rhetoric, nor do i like to dwell on theoretical issues. The best way for me to deal with the theoretical is to go back to experience. But once there, i'm tempted to see underlying patterns and i enjoy the feeling of exploring to discover a deep secret or something like that. When i do this, i don't like to go through the detail, but if I don't i feel like i don't really understand things. I enjoy writing aphorisms for example and that for me is N. If i can't have confirmation of my intuitions, i get bored, it seems i like the mystical and philosophical in moderate quantities and I need to get my feet on the ground again, which for me means S. I also studied psychology but had to get out because couldn't stand not knowing how things worked and just finding correlations and vague statements about people. On the other hand, i'm not very good with mechanical things, so I don't have to figure out how things work in that level.
Between T and F. I've been pretty cold with others, especially when they don't make sense. I like to push others to make sense in their arguments, but it's more like a friendly challenge that gets me frustrated when they won't make the effort. In my own world I frequently don't make the effort myself. I think i just have a quick comprehension of things, so I kind of cheat when I ask others to think to get there. Very smart people get to discover my cheating when they can explain things more thoroughly than I. I tell myself that if I don't think things through, people will think I'm dumber than I really am and won't take my opinion seriously, which has happened on not few occasions. I think this is due to bad verbal expression from me because after my frustration I find confirmation from some respected intelectual or something and then I am confident again. But without this confirmation I'm very insecure about my ideas and the way I express them. I think both INTP and INTJ are pretty confident about their ideas so this doesn't fit. The other thing is that i like to dwell on my and other people's emotions, I think it is very important to understand them... I try to come up with reasons for seemingly irrational behavior for example. And in this way, I try to make people feel understood but I don't always succeed. Seems to me like some people don't want to be understood but just act as they please. Childish behavior like this is the hardest for me to justify. Even so, I still try to make everyone feel like they belong, including myself, which is very F-like. Otherwise I feel anxious and like i'm the one making people uncomfortable... On a more ambitious note, my purpose through psychology was to study how social systems worked from the point of view of individuals in order to help create "social harmony". This is mainly because from family experiences i became concerned about mental health issues and started philosophizing about that.
I play devil's advocate with myself and others sometimes to the point of confusing myself with paradoxes and contradictions, so I get obsessed disentangling stuff like this personality matrix... I do it for the feeling of satisfaction and relief that I get at the end based on regaining mental clarity. So you see, feeling is important to me and very connected to thought, again not like INTP and INTJ's are described. I know how they are like from a physicist friend. He is like constantly in an intelectual competition with everyone on every level, which is markedly different to me. I can empathize with someone who doesn't understand, as long as he wants to understand it.
Finally, between J and P. I always get P which many associate with procrastination which I do a lot. I also avoid commitments and explore different subjects, don't like to be tied them either intelectually or emotionally. On the other hand, I have been very judgmental and impatient with people (cold robot) and feel the need to put my understanding of something to practical use, which is all J. But I don't like those kind of people generally and so I try to be more feeling like and more P like. When i explore different subjects I kind of make big leaps instead of being rigorous and detailed... i'm indisciplined in that sense, which is also P.
Summing up, I feel like i'm Ti for needing to think alone, but Te for needing to discuss ideas with others for feedback. I feel like i'm Fi because I dwell on my emotions, but Fe because I'm very alert to other people's emotions and reactions and like to make them feel well in my company. I'm not so clear whether i get my intuitions from outside or ideas just from a blank slate inside, it seems to me like everything comes from the outside ultimately, but also a lot of ideas bubble up in my head spontaneously which is more Ni. I could be Se if i consider that i'm always looking for outside information and i'm easily hooked up with music or visual stimulation, like an addict. I have also done martial arts and like drumming which are ways to let out energy physically, but i'm not very athletic and avoid all typical sports, contrary to typical Se's. I could be Si because I try to make inductions from analyzing my past and present experiences, like i'm trying to do now by analizing my own history. I also enjoy reading about contemporary little facts to understand the context i'm in.
I'm both annoying myself and amused by this attempt to figure out this thing, but I hope you will be more amused than annoyed , thanks for any useful feedback.