For some reason, there is no "What Type Am I?" subforum within the Enneagram forum, so this will have to do.
Anyway, I've been posting here for a while now but I haven't formally introduced myself. I am a 24-year old young man who (unfortunately) is an unhealthy INFJ. I've been an emotional mess for years, but only in secret. If you met me in real life, you'd probably admire me for my equanimity and my sense of industriousness.
Growing up, I have never been very comfortable around people but lately it seems that I'm only growing more estranged from them. Part of it is because people really don't make sense; they're messy, chaotic, and it seems that many of them have a tolerance of human frailty that I don't really have. In INFJ-speak, I am a perfectionist, in my work and in my personal life. I think my perfectionism is a factor in my isolation. I remember during my college years (especially my freshman year) how I felt so self-righteous and good for not going out and getting myself drunk and exposing myself to sexual situations (I'm still a virgin, for what it's worth). As much as I don't like to admit it, part of me still feels "cleaner" than the people who did that. But one thing they apparently have that I don't is that sense of facility with people and the ability to just say "Fuck it" and do what they want.
But I wonder if that facility and that ability are worth me giving up my perfectionism. Is it worth me losing control of myself, even if it's temporary? I still cling to this sense of purity despite not being happy with my life, because I feel that if I give that up, then there's no point in me living. What would it all be for anyway? And all the seemingly well-intentioned suggestions for me to lighten up are hard for me to take because it would require me to accept messiness, which I loathe. I like simplicity and structure, and the fact that I don't really have it now frustrates me to no end.
So anyway, after that rant, what type/wing/subtype do you all think I might be? I've typed as a 1, 4, and a 5 in the past (those are almost always the top 3).