I want everyone to agree on what type I am.
It seems like some people adamantly type me as N, other swear up and down that I am an S. Others are sure that I am an E, yet others....you get the idea.
The only thing that has never been highly questioned is whether I am an F or not.
So here is what I know.
I love to theorize, just not about anything that is super important. Taking long hours theorizing how to act before doing it drives me crazy. By the time you act, what ever conclusion you came up with for three days ago is going to be less efficient, since by now the situation has likely changed somewhat. You go back to theorize that? Now you are stuck analyzing and never doing. Analyzing things like, black holes, and other things that have no real world application are fine, as long as it is for fun.
I pick up on subtleties. Not the words that are coming out of someones mouth, the subtleties they may not even be aware they are showing. I have never had a problem calling people out who may be going through some long explanation, and will sooner say, "This is what I think is actually going on." Lets, get to the point.
I hate one on one conversations, actually it isn't so much that I hate them, I really suck at them. Bad. I feel uncomfortable one on one. I would much rather be a heckling voice in the background that sometimes is taken notice of and other times fading in, than the center of attention. I also hate large groups. Places like Disneyland put me on edge, and I seriously have to go into "retreat to my brain" mode, stay very focused, just to tolerate it.
I am a strong enneagram eight. I hate to be controlled on any level. If I think someone is trying to manipulate me or sway me in some way, I go into war mode. I will not tolerate being spoken AT ever, but TO.
I am stubborn as fuck, and will only incorporate other peoples ideas if they make perfect sense to me, and are better than the idea I already held.
I am incredibly sensitive, but not afraid of emotions. I tend to sometimes make people sad, mad, frustrated, by speaking truthfully on a subject I hold little emotional value to, but others seem to take as very emotional. I don't feel it myself, to me that is just the truth, to others it was an emotional reaction.
I tend to bring out the worst qualities in others after a while. Sometimes I speculate that it is my influence or they may be trying to incorporate some characteristic of mine (towards life) into their personality and then use it against me. I am not being crazy here, I have done many experiments with not being such a strong personality with some and letting go with others. They usually misinterpret my intention and become assholes (I could name several examples).
I have been known to focus on the negative, that is because to me, the positive doesn't need attention. Its all good. I know it is there, recognize it and appreciate it, but try not to mess with a good thing.
I tend to be a huge idealist to a fault. I know exactly what an outcome or situation needs in order to be perfect. This has been a huge downfall in my life, because if I encounter conflict, like someone standing in the way, or someone taking a stance to not make it happen. I will sooner give the whole idea up, since it has already been tampered with, and lost its luster for perfection.
As a result most of the perfect things, moments, I encounter, are things I have done behind the scenes without anyone else's awareness and been able to view the finished result.
I opperate a lot from behind the scenes for this reason. Actually it is like the world has their own thing going on, while I am like the little kid sitting in the corner playing with blocks by myself. I tend to hide in the background, weave through others, and have my own goals, and own life outside of the rest of what everyone else thinks is going on or important.
I am however an optimist. I don't think anything is impossible, and almost never take no for an answer. The way I see it, if I am willing to accept a no, I shouldn't have wanted it in the first place. If I don't accept no, eventually I will get there in one way, or one one plane or another (see the whole weaving through the background thing).
I am not manipulative at ALL, as a matter of fact I love and respect humanity, though I will at times send out messages to see just how open someone else is to a certain idea, before ever approaching them on it. Sometimes the more go signals I get, the closer I become to presenting the idea. Then when I bust out the proposal, someone believes I have led them to accepting that conclusion. I see it as they led me to being comfortable enough to present it to them. No one is ever forced.
As you guys may know, I am a bit abrasive and loud. I do have an inner filter though which causes me to hold onto beliefs like, always leave it better than you found it. It is not so much a care for the thing itself, but also a sense of worth in knowing that I have made some sort of positive impression on anything I have encountered, or at the very least left it neutral. I believe it is wrong to make fun of people or their situations if they are either working on it, or have no ability to change it. You wouldn't see me ever making fun of someone for being ugly, for example, or talking shit to someone who works, because they don't make enough money.
What you will see is my pointing out that if someone is unhappy themselves, they should just do something to fix it. If you're unhappy with you wages, then look for another job, speak with your boss do something. If YOU think you are ugly, start dressing a little sharper, look into how to improve your look.....etc.
Other than that, I love having my own place, entertaining guests, and being an excellent hostess, when I can. I love having many different areas of a social life surrounding me where I can pull from each whatever I need in any given time. Like this forum for intellectual dumps, some rowdy friends, for a party, some kick back friends who like to go have coffee.
I love school, but I hate the politics. I find they don't really take the time to TEACH you they just set up obstacle courses for you to learn, not the material, but the course. I prefer learning in more intimate settings or even by myself.
I hate looking stupid, so if there is something I don't know, I will not do anything, until I have had a chance to go home figure it out, master it, then present my skill to be tested against another's.
I like being in control, but I hate having to control people. I would much rather people have enough self respect to present their best work at all times, rather than waiting for me to direct them as to what to do. I find you can work more efficiently when people just become their best selves and you can see where that is really needed in a situation and allocate them to that instead of making the person perfect the task, make the task perfect for the person.
Anyway this is getting long.
Also no opinions as veiled criticisms. Please back what you say.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.