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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Yes, I agree. I'm also leaning more towards INTP



    Ok, let's assume he's an INTP for now (and see if something that doesn't quite fit comes up later). Why do you feel there is a communication problem? Do you feel that he seems somehow 'detached' in the relationship? Or he doesn't talk about his feelings so you feel uncertain how he really feels about you? Do you want more emotional intimacy but feel that he isn't opening up to you?

    One thing to note is that if you're in a relationship with an NT, you would probably never get 'total vulnerability' from him -- that sense of extreme closeness that you are looking for. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, because he does in his own way. It just won't be too fluffy-feely
    Mh, it's not really that he is "detached", I mean, he even gives me hugs and kisses, and his really more fluffy-feely than I have ever seen him with someone else (rarely touches or hugs other people, there he is rather distant)....but....he doesn't talk about his feelings at all . I don't know, I think that's the biggest problem for me, that he never seem to open up really....it's hard to describe. He says he has never opened up to anyone at all, and it's very very difficult for me to help him opening up.
    Maybe it's this sense of extreme closeness that I am looking for which is just not possible in our relationship. Even when I talk to him about my emotions, he says he understands them intellectually, but I "feel" that he never understands how I "feel", and that is really hard for me. Some emotional connection lacking...... He really tries to provide ideas for problem solving....but....that's not really how I am "comforted" in my usual relationships (with friends). I know, I'm expecting much ....
    I have the feeling that we connect well on an intellectual level, but that something is missing on the emotional level..... took me some time to figure out what was missing........

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post

    One thing to note is that if you're in a relationship with an NT, you would probably never get 'total vulnerability' from him -- that sense of extreme closeness that you are looking for. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, because he does in his own way. It just won't be too fluffy-feely
    only if this is not too personal or indiscreet, do you have similar experiences with NTs?

    And thanx A LOT for your help!

  3. #13
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Hello. A lot of your descriptions of his behavior resonate with me, so it's very possible he could be an INTP.

    I'm more of the touchy-feely type when it comes to expression of feelings, I'm just not verbal at all. That doesn't mean they aren't there. If anything, you could try to give him a "love languages" test [ Love Languages Test ] and these things can usually help you arrive at his preferred method of expression. For me, it's physical touch and quality time. Words of affirmation and gift giving is pretty low.

    Don't think it's an absolute kind of thing though, more like a guide. I think all healthy relationships incorporate a mixture of everything.

    If you're looking for him to really understand you or open up to you on an emotional level...that might take a lot of time. For younger INTPs, feelings generally aren't considered important to his life in terms of making decisions on them...so if you ask him his feelings on something, he can't really see the point of the question, nor can he really express them eloquently because he really doesn't spend much time thinking about them, so it's just going to make him awkward and most likely evasive.

    Try to understand how he likes to express how much you mean to him [the love languages thing], so when you notice it you can encourage or show appreciation. Likewise, try to get HIM to understand how YOU like to be loved, and maybe steer him into expressing himself a little more in that direction.



  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    Hello. A lot of your descriptions of his behavior resonate with me, so it's very possible he could be an INTP.

    I'm more of the touchy-feely type when it comes to expression of feelings, I'm just not verbal at all. That doesn't mean they aren't there. If anything, you could try to give him a "love languages" test [ Love Languages Test ] and these things can usually help you arrive at his preferred method of expression. For me, it's physical touch and quality time. Words of affirmation and gift giving is pretty low.

    Don't think it's an absolute kind of thing though, more like a guide. I think all healthy relationships incorporate a mixture of everything.

    If you're looking for him to really understand you or open up to you on an emotional level...that might take a lot of time. For younger INTPs, feelings generally aren't considered important to his life in terms of making decisions on them...so if you ask him his feelings on something, he can't really see the point of the question, nor can he really express them eloquently because he really doesn't spend much time thinking about them, so it's just going to make him awkward and most likely evasive.

    Try to understand how he likes to express how much you mean to him [the love languages thing], so when you notice it you can encourage or show appreciation. Likewise, try to get HIM to understand how YOU like to be loved, and maybe steer him into expressing himself a little more in that direction.
    Thank you a lot! I really appreciate this advice from (another) INTP! I'll ask him to to the love-languages-test, that's a really good idea (if only hinting into a certain direction)! Maybe I can do this test as well and this can be some kind of "starting point" in understanding how the other person is most comfortable in expressing their feelings.....
    Yes, it really rings true what you say about that he maybe doesn't spend much time thinking about his feelings and thus not being able in expressing them (and even not even seeing the need to do so).....and the evasive reaction.
    Thanks for sharing your insight.....

  5. #15
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    I know this isn't helping, but I'd definitely have to say BOTH :confused:..... maybe a bit more the first one?
    really hard to tell, though....really....
    DEFINITELY an NTP then, and I'd say INTP.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  6. #16
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    only if this is not too personal or indiscreet, do you have similar experiences with NTs?

    And thanx A LOT for your help!
    Not romantically -- just friends and family. They seem to have this 'barrier of thought' that prevents them from completely baring themselves to other people, unlike NFs. I guess all Ts are like this anyway. However, I can imagine that they would be a bit more open in a romantic relationship, but it would take a lot of time.

    I think the best way to improve communications is to tell him how you feel -- you could use the MBTI as something solid that you can base the discussion on. Tell him, directly, that you know he cares about you but you feel like you don't know anything about his inner world and that you'd like him to share how he feels about things, his worries, his dreams, with you. You can even blame it on your NF-ness and say that it makes you feel a deeper connection when he talks about his feelings. Ask him if you being emotional somehow upsets him. Try to find mutual understanding. Keep in mind, though, that while NFs might feel a lot of emotions going on under the surface and reveal them to people who they trust and are close to them, the inner world of an NT is far more 'logical', so he might already be sharing his inner world with you. It just looks different from yours.

    The love languages test seems to be a good idea! Sometimes you've gotta be direct with Ts. They appreciate logic and reason, and I think they secretly love to be able to figure out how their SOs 'operate'. It's a good thing that you are going to talk about it (make it a semi-serious session, when you're together in a relaxing atmosphere, for example -- not when you're in the car driving somewhere). And one thing when talking to NTs is: do not be emotional. The moment you do so, they reject whatever comes out of your mouth as 'unreliable data' (emotionally-charged) and won't listen until you've calmed down

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    DEFINITELY an NTP then, and I'd say INTP.
    Okay, thank you for your help.

    I am curios, what does the difference between these two signify?

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    He definitely seems like an NTP.


    Being forced to do something. Being forced to order people around. Along with these, a person like this would have a hard time being motivated to do anything; even when they knew that they needed to do it.

    Or...

    Is he worse at telling people's inner feelings? With this sort of person, the way that they talk and go about their social interactions just seems like they have no boundaries. They are oblivious to other's inner feelings, and this often frustrates them. They may also react badly to morally judgmental people.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Not romantically -- just friends and family. They seem to have this 'barrier of thought' that prevents them from completely baring themselves to other people, unlike NFs. I guess all Ts are like this anyway. However, I can imagine that they would be a bit more open in a romantic relationship, but it would take a lot of time.
    Yes, that's really it with this 'barrier of thought'..... I guess I mostly have Fs as friends.... I am completely bewildered by how effective this 'barrier" can be maintained.....maybe that's hard for me to understand as an NF. This may also be due to the fact that exchange of one's inner life is maybe even the most important aspect for me (as NF) in any relationship.....

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I think the best way to improve communications is to tell him how you feel -- you could use the MBTI as something solid that you can base the discussion on. Tell him, directly, that you know he cares about you but you feel like you don't know anything about his inner world and that you'd like him to share how he feels about things, his worries, his dreams, with you. You can even blame it on your NF-ness and say that it makes you feel a deeper connection when he talks about his feelings. Ask him if you being emotional somehow upsets him. Try to find mutual understanding. Keep in mind, though, that while NFs might feel a lot of emotions going on under the surface and reveal them to people who they trust and are close to them, the inner world of an NT is far more 'logical', so he might already be sharing his inner world with you. It just looks different from yours.
    I will tell him about how I fell. I have also done so already, but I'll elaborate, I guess. I guess it helps to do that in a calm and direct way (I usually rather accuse him when I feel hurt, that's when those issues come up ). I also guess I'll have to accept that his inner world is different from mine, as you said, more logical (he also often argues that he DOES share a lot of this inner world). It's a bit hard to explain to him what I mean with this emotional connection...I guess he'll never grasp that on a "feeling" level. But I guess what counts is also the willingness to understand the other person. I'll also have to appreciate what HE wants, and that this might be different from what I want.

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    The love languages test seems to be a good idea! Sometimes you've gotta be direct with Ts. They appreciate logic and reason, and I think they secretly love to be able to figure out how their SOs 'operate'. It's a good thing that you are going to talk about it (make it a semi-serious session, when you're together in a relaxing atmosphere, for example -- not when you're in the car driving somewhere). And one thing when talking to NTs is: do not be emotional. The moment you do so, they reject whatever comes out of your mouth as 'unreliable data' (emotionally-charged) and won't listen until you've calmed down
    I already let him do the test! He thought it was a pretty good idea. He came out mostly expressing his feelings trough touch and through quality time, and really not at all through gifts or service and also not so much through words of affection. With me it was firstly quality time and secondly gifts. So I guess this might point towards some different usage of love languages, and it might help discussing the communication issue.

    The part of not being emotional when talking to NTs is maybe the hardest for me .... really hard, when that's what I value the most. But, I can learn as well..... and I've really noticed that he immediately shuts off when he thinks I'm emotional , e.g. making an excuse. Maybe waiting until I've calmed down is a really good advice. Sleep over it, and discuss it the next day with much more difference and detachment.

    Thanks a lot for all this help! I really appreciate it!

  9. #19
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    Okay, thank you for your help.

    I am curios, what does the difference between these two signify?
    I was using socionics. In socionics, an INTP is typically an LII. An ENTP is typically ILE. An LII's main weakness is Se, which was what the first choice was pointing toward. The ILE's main weakness is Fi, which is what the second one was pointing toward.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I was using socionics. In socionics, an INTP is typically an LII. An ENTP is typically ILE. An LII's main weakness is Se, which was what the first choice was pointing toward. The ILE's main weakness is Fi, which is what the second one was pointing toward.
    Ah, okay, good to know! Sounds very interisting....! I don't know much about Socionics, but maybe I'll have a look at that..... thanks anyway!

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