Lately its been comming to my attention, that...I might not be infj. I don't really know what I am though. Its been suggested that I could be in a shadow type, and my functions test definately wasn't infj. In fact I wasnt an I or an F at all. (I tested ENTP)
So this has been weighing on my mind. I can't even remember being a feeler as a child anyways not until I was a teen did any of this emotional stuff really start making a difference. Well, I mean it made difference, and I mean irrationally so. Like irrationally where I have no grasp of what is going on or what things really should be like.
Until I hit 14...I was cold and aggressive and standoffish. I was always in a fight and I was ultra load. I was one of the first to get up front or the first to start an arguement. I was outgoing, made lots and lots of friends, and I enjoyed doing things with other people. I enjoyed talking and never ever shut up! I talked to everyone, other kids and adults. (I was highly extroverted)
But thats when home life started to get bad. My father would come home on rampages throwing things at us and our mother. I would watch him pin her against the refrigerator and start screaming and beating her so she couldn't get away. I used to stand up and argue with him because he was hitting my mom and I didnt think it was right. My sister and her used to stand back while he and I went at it. I refused to back down, even when I was wrong because it was principle. He used to light things on fire and threaten to drop them and kill us all. He wanted to know if we where ready to die. He enjoyed hearing us scream.
My mother didnt care, because he was hers and thats what she wanted in life. My sister and I where neglected for years (bad medical care not because we didnt have but our mother was more interested in reading her romance novels than taking us to the doctor or feeding us). So we both kinda learned to fend for ourselves. My sister was really really emotionally needy, and I was really really aggressive and mean to get what I needed. I thought that emotional response was weak and to have emotions made you weak. (Weak people where on the bottom of the food chain per say in the family and I wasnt going to end up like my mother) I was pushy, I needed things NOW, because I didnt know if I could get them later.
But I needed friends, I needed acceptance. I made friends by watching other kids make friends, I learned people liked nice people, so I became a nicer person (without contact I go insane) but I always enjoyed speaking in public or in class...I just had no regard for school because someone else told me it was important. I was highly rebelious. I was so uncomfortable with any types of emotions I had, especially emotions for other people (or ones I deemed negative). I used to cut and burn myself so I wouldnt feel so strongly.
I needed something else to cause myself not to hurt emotionally. I was in and out of counceling starting at 12 for self harm. When I was 15 things started changing..I came very close to a successful suicide (I remembered what it was like to be dead, before I was revived) and things became a little different.
When I was 17 I was sexually asshaulted..and after that..something just broke inside of me..I just couldnt be the way I had been before. (At 15 I was diagnosed with scitzoaffective disorder (where scitzophrenia and bipolar coexist at the same time in an individual)
Then somehow I realized I suddenly wanted children, which I had never wanted in my life EVER, I wanted to stay home and be a partner and bake cookies and I HAD NEVER ever wanted anything like that before. With every emotional blow in relationships I took, it reminded me of how I wasn't good enough to be loved by my own family. I suddenly needed..love..because I didnt have it. I didn't have the heart to fight back anymore. So I just started being ultra agreeable and people pleasing..because they gave me what I needed. I learned to watch for signs of people not being so kosher and stopped trusting.
I pulled back..way back, I couldnt spend time with the people I cared about most, I couldnt speak to the people I dated openly anymore, I just caccooned up and started analyzing. I like staying one step ahead as to not get hurt, but not much farther than that. I have no big dream or vision (just a rough idea of what I'm gifted to do) and I only truly understand things that I have been through. I don't doorslam very well and I'm highly direct about things.
All of this ^^^^ points to being an unhealthy shadow type IMO, but I need input, I suck at typing people. and I'd really like others opinions, to help me reach further into this subject.