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  1. #1
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    Default ISFJ or ESFJ ARGH!! HELP!

    HI everybody,

    This is my first post on the forum. For the past while I've been agonizing over whether I'm an ISFJ or an ESFJ (I'm male).

    I'll go through a bunch of my preferences and hopefully someone can help me out...I'd really appreciate it!

    Ok: My father is an ISTJ, and my mother is an ESFJ.

    I know for sure that I have a strong F preference, likely a slight to moderate J preference, and also likely a moderate S preference. I'm really not that intuitive (my ENFP best friend constantly tells me revelations about people and has crazy abstract ideas about things like auras and energy that I don't really get...haha).

    The biggest thing for me is whether I am introverted (primary introverted sensing, secondary extroverted feeling) or extroverted (primary extroverted feeling, secondary introverted sensing).

    I'm just about to turn 21 years old.

    I care deeply about what others think of me, and sometimes judge myself based on others opinions'. I REALLY want other people to like me...sometimes to a fault as I can get down on myself if they don't.
    I care very deeply about my close friends, and find comfort and security in them. I also really like having lots of acquaintances and sometimes wish I had more friends. This can be a problem for me as I also have a bit of social anxiety somtimes (the need to perform and to be liked which bothers me when I don't meet it)

    In first year university residence, I was a social butterfly on my floor and the one above me. Sometimes I can lose contact with friends who I haven't talk to in a while, and I'm not the best at keeping in contact with people. I don't have a HUGE circle of friends (I have about 7-8 friends I would consider close to very close), and a little wider circle of acquaintances.

    If I'm having a good time, (and usually when I'm drunk), I can be the life of the party, talking to everybody, doing ridiculous things. If I can relax a bit and have a good time in a social situation, it energizes me. If I'm not having a good time and feel self-conscious, then social situations drain me and I can't wait to get out of them. I like spending time by myself, but not too much time or I get lonely/bored. I can't imagine living a life not surrounded by close friends and family who I can goof off with and truly be myself.

    My close friends would likely describe me as very caring and loving, a bit of a goof, sensitive, and I can be a little b!tch when I'm irritated (although I VERY rarely experience anger). And sexually, I'm a total horn-dog, lol.

    When it comes to expressing my feelings, I don't do it naturally, although I've gotten better at it. I'll never express my innermost feelings to people I don't know well, but to friends and family that I know well, I find I can do this more easily (but most times my feelings aren't that convoluted that I need to do this often). When I warm up to people a bit, I'm easily talkative and goofy, but when first meeting people, I tend to be quieter and more self-conscious.

    Around my close friends I can be quite gregarious, loud, and obnoxious, and I love going out and doing things when I'm with friends who I know and like (eg. going to restaurants, movies, laser tag, paintball, parties).

    I recently went into business school, and at the beginning I was excited at the prospect of meeting new people, going to parties etc. As the year went on, I started to get self conscious, I judged myself negatively compared to other people, and wished that I was more popular. Eventually this led to me feeling depressed. I started isolating myself, and started irrationally obsessing about my future and worried that I would never succeed in life. For a couple of weeks I was pretty depressed and started getting anxiety (which I had never really ever experienced before except in social situations sometimes). I got some meds and am only just coming out of it.

    Doing tests, I've tested both ESFJ and ISFJ, but it's usually near 50/50 for E and I. I tested a stronger I when I did this test when I was in the midst of depression (no surprise there).

    Some other info that might help: I'm better at math than at english (like concrete ideas better). I'm pretty athletic, and a good tennis and baseball player (I enjoy physical activity). I have a tendency to be a bit lazy sometimes, and not follow through on things (but I always finish stuff on time, and I'm NEVER late for appointments). I'm a bit gullible and have a tendency to believe everything I read.

    I love the TV shows Lost, the office. The movies Fight club, royal tenenbaums. Personally, I think I'm ESFJ, and I get worried sometimes when I think I might be ISFJ (I want to be an E!!!). How dumb is that!?!

    I really love people, but when feeling self conscious or down, I'll avoid social situations (with people I don't know well) like the plague. I'm also not a huge fan of small talk (or should I certain types of small talk). For example people at work talking about what McDonalds is like in the UK compared to Canada, or questions like "What's your favourite condiment?". I mean please. However, when I feel people are being sincere and expressing their feelings or their real personality somehow, I enjoy it.

    PLEASE help me out, I'd REALLY Appreciate it. I know this post was a bit long but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

  2. #2
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    Well, it could be both actually, but i'm gonna go with ISFJ. I think the ESFJ's invented small talk, and they really seem to enjoy it. My parents are the exact same types as yours, and my mother is very much a social butterfly, and a great host(ess) as well.

    also -

    Quote Originally Posted by Crazydaisy View Post
    The biggest thing for me is whether I am introverted (primary introverted sensing, secondary extroverted feeling) or extroverted (primary extroverted feeling, secondary introverted sensing).
    Be careful with typing yourself with this. Alot of people don't follow the standard order of functions for types ( Fe Si Ne Ti Fi Se Ni Te for ESFJ and Si Fe Ti Ne Se Fi Te Ni for ISFJ), that's what i've found at least (and experienced with myself).

    good luck

  3. #3
    Pronounced eye-ee-dee Eiddy's Avatar
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    Wow I could have written all of that up there. I am ISFJ.. Please, please, please stick around so far we have one other ISFJ guy (Lighting Rider), but I don't see him around to often, and I think 3 ISFJ girls. Me , Giggly, and Kai.

    I used to wonder if I was ISFJ or ESFJ because I am also very outgoing, but when I get swarmed with too many things I tend to break under pressure.

    I am very talkative, very agreeable, and very easy to get along with although I have been told that I am to guarded with information mostly from extroverts. I think I am pretty much an open book. You will find out soon enough from others here and interactions with them if you are E or I spending time here has taught me a lot about myself. If you have any questions ask away..
    Johari / Nohari

    Enneagram 1w2/Lifepath 1/first zodiac sign Aries/first Chinese zodiac sign RAT/first born in my siblings of 3. Did I forget to mention first?

    Independent Director

  4. #4
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    Probably ISFJ. And welcome, spend some time in the SJ forum.

  5. #5
    Pronounced eye-ee-dee Eiddy's Avatar
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    I have more of ISFJ feeling too. Your writing style feels more expressive from a searching inward perspective, to a going out point of view. Plus your informative.
    Johari / Nohari

    Enneagram 1w2/Lifepath 1/first zodiac sign Aries/first Chinese zodiac sign RAT/first born in my siblings of 3. Did I forget to mention first?

    Independent Director

  6. #6
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Hey .. Don't listen to Eiddy (love her really)

    When i first took the test, i came up as ISFJ, it was only taking it later when i wasn't in a bad head space that i came up ESFJ. We desperately need more of us on this site.

    I never wanted to be I, but i know E suits me more. I turn into a hermit when self conscious and gloomy, but when i am up again, happy silly Saslou.
    In work situations i can be very quiet, but thats down to me scoping the situation so i can get the best advantage. I love talking to strangers though and can chat for England.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  7. #7
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    Thanks for the comments!

    I wasn't really expecting to see a lot of ISFJ responses coming up...but maybe you're right. It's a little hard when you're borderline. I think I may be an ISFJ with strong Extroverted Feeling....

    Anyway, right now life seems a little tough. But I don't always have that perspective...for the first two years of university I always had a positive outlook. I really want to get that back and have been trying actively to do it with some success. I'm thinking about taking up meditation and yoga.

    I fit some characteristics of ISFJ and some of ESFJ. I don't really like routing boring work, although it won't kill me if I have to do it. However, I don't think I would let people walk over me and take advantage (a trait that was discussed in ISFJ description). I work really well in groups, for group projects at school I always make sure my input is heard, don't have any trouble discussing ideas or expressing my opinion, and even take on a leadership role when I need to.

    However, I do believe that if I were to pick a primary, it might be I...argh still so confused!

  8. #8
    Pronounced eye-ee-dee Eiddy's Avatar
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    Aww I see how it is, you are claiming him. Once between us we can determine who he is *pulls out notebook to start jotting down answers*
    Johari / Nohari

    Enneagram 1w2/Lifepath 1/first zodiac sign Aries/first Chinese zodiac sign RAT/first born in my siblings of 3. Did I forget to mention first?

    Independent Director

  9. #9
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    You talk about having a some depression and social anxiety at times, but I don't hear much sign of introversion at all. Generally, you sound like an extrovert, although near the middle of the E/I scale. Your focus seems to be on interaction with people and you look externally for confirmation, excitement, and stimulation.

    Have you taken a cognitive functions test? Knowing your dominant function may clear things up for you. If you find you are dominant feeling, then you are an extrovert.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  10. #10
    Pronounced eye-ee-dee Eiddy's Avatar
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    *waiting for Sas to start asking questions* She's the extroverted one.

    Edit: Hi, OrangeAppled. Maybe we can find some other sites with good tests..

    I got this one from d@v3: PersonalDNA | Your True Self Revealed - Fast Fun Free Personality Tests It seems pretty good..

    Well I got to go, kids need to eat.
    Johari / Nohari

    Enneagram 1w2/Lifepath 1/first zodiac sign Aries/first Chinese zodiac sign RAT/first born in my siblings of 3. Did I forget to mention first?

    Independent Director

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