hey yall. i'm wondering what my type is. i've taken three tests and gotten ENFP, ENFJ, and ENFP for each one. i don't really trust myself with tests, i feel like i always end up putting traits that i'm working towards having as the answer, my "desire" i guess instead of the actual truth. i just want to know who i really am, past all the adaptions to my environment and the facades i put up.
just some tidbits that i think might be important about myself, childhood, ect.
i was homeschooled for all of my life. i didn't get to hang around other people as much as a younger child, i'd get out a few times a week but not much. i was always introverted as a child, a lot kids made fun of me in church cause i was really nice and somewhat weird. it never really phased me, it's weird thinking about elementary school because so much of it seems blank. now, however, i consider myself extroverted. occasionally i'll close up and be quiet in social situations, but for the most part i can't get by without being around people. being alone for too long makes me depressed, and if it goes on for too long it becomes really hard to shake off.
sometimes i swear i'm bipolar. my mood constantly shifts from extremely happy, to feeling like i want to cry but can't. sometimes it all happens in the course of one day. all it takes is a little thing (usually involving people and nothing else) going right or a little thing going wrong to shift me either way. when i'm happy i feel like talking to everyone and doing everything, but when i'm sad i get awkward and misinterpret people. when i'm depressed and i'm around people i feel like i'm not completely there. it's like i have a switch from super upbeat and energetic socially, to slow and paralyzed socially. i hate it, people catch me when i'm happy and then i get sad and i can tell that they think i've turned weird or something. i'll often get regretful about things that happened years ago, there are many times where i wish i had done something differently with people, particularly with girls. its hard for me to get these thoughts out of my head. they always come back whenever i'm alone.
as a kid my interests were basically reading and computer. i read a lot of fantasy. if anyone has heard of Redwall i had those all read by 3rd grade. Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Wheel of Time, ect. i was ALWAYS reading something. also, world war II was of great interest to me. i was hooked on the computer and video games. i even watched birds with my mom (haha). nowadays i play soccer and guitar for fun. i LOVELOVELOVE art. music, paintings, film, its all fucking beautiful. i can't get into reading as much as i used to.
all my professors in the college classes i've taken say i'm a great writer. one adores my descriptive writing, another says i'm very good at analytical writing, such as finding meaning. i'm attracted to all things "meta". i consider it my best strength, being able to find the big meaning, in movies, books, music, ect. i'll sit in a class and it's like none of these people understand what a big picture is. it's like they don't even search for the big meaning, they just focus on the small, easy stuff. in terms of school, when i was younger math was my thing. now i'm not so big on it, but i have no issues with it. put me in an english class, history class, anything humanities and i'm happy. i have never like sciences.
i remember around 3rd grade i'd always sit in the car with music playing. i'd envision the last few months/years/weeks of my life as if they were scenes of a movie fleeting by every few seconds, like a music video. there was always an overarching storyline, like "this is how so-and-so went from hating eachother to liking eachother", and so on. i think that's nostalgia. i'm still very nostalgic now. its like i create events in my life sometimes so that they're poetic or dramatic i guess. i've always wondered whether life imitates art or art imitates life. i'm always finding beauty where others don't. like now, something as simply as stepping outside and feeling the warm summer air gaves me feelings so euphoric and bittersweet that the hairs on my skin were raised.
my friends all basically acknowledge i'm pretty unique. i'm usually really talkative, but sometimes i just like chilling and not talking too much. my sense of humor is usually pretty left field. i act goofy/silly a lot for a laugh. sometimes i get super grimey/disgusting when i'm joking. a lot of times it'll just be making fun of strangers, but never if they can actually hear me or know what i'm doing. almost everyone likes me. i think the only people that don't like me are those that don't get me or just haven't had the time to get me. people have opened up to me unexpectedly quite a few times. i guess people just trust me or think i really care about them. i also love working with people, social work, nursing homes, ect. it's so life-affirming making a difference in someone's life, being that one person who cares. however, sometimes i can be super short with my family members and it can seem like i don't care.
my friends say i give the best compliments. others say i'm insightful, particularly about things like religion and philosophy. i always try to understand things from another person's point of view, even if i never actually do. i'm very empathetic. i can understand theoretical/abstract stuff a lot of my friends can't/don't want to. i love politics, it's like a real-life soap opera, and it's cool seeing how people manipulate others. i hate talking about politics or religion with most friends because it usually just divides people over something pointless to argue about. i'm VERY accepting of pretty much everyone. it's VERY hard for me to have a bad opinion of someone. generally the only time i think bad about someone is when they have treated me wrong, and even still i forgive easily, sometimes too easily.
i'm a procrastinator, and i prefer working on the job rather than learning what to do beforehand. i'm also a major perfectionist. sometimes if i feel i just can't make it perfect i never complete it. every time i do a read-over of a paper for example i always find something i could make better, even as i'm about to walk out the door to go turn it in. i hate doing repetitive tasks and like doing things which involve both people and a wide variety of tasks. in my own life i can't stay the same for too long, i always have to change or else it's like i get bored and feel in a rut. i also hate details, and would rather focus on getting the big parts right.
i don't mind people criticizing my work, but if someone criticizes the way i live my life, how i act, or how i do things i do for fun i take it personally, getting very defensive and on the inside upset. i just want people to let me do what i want to do, if i need your help i'll ask for it and until then just back off. its a "my room is messy and i like it that way, i don't care what you think and i don't see why you should care about what i do with my room." sort of thing. same goes for pretty much everything, including drugs. no problem with them used responsibly. what you put in your own body is your own business. i hate it when people tell me what to do or how to live my life, including both friends and authority figures.
i guess i just want to live my life, and make enough of an impact on other people so that they'll remember me. that's all. i know this is an extremely long read but i thank you for reading it. it really is helpful to have places like this around. i wish people could be as understanding in real life.